Ladies I know this series has been primarily focused on you so now I am turning the tables on the men. The spotlight is on you men. I will answer that age old question about why men cheat. Now ladies men do cheat but there are reasons why we stay with these cheaters. Now there are various reasons as to why men cheat not because they are all dogs nor is it because it is innate. Yes, every man (just like every woman) has the potential to cheat. Tariq Nasheed has broken down eight types of cheaters. Yet for the sake of time and space I will cover 4 today and 4 in the next post.

The Rebellious Child Cheater
The Delayed Player Cheater
The Playing-with-Fire Cheater
The Free Agent Cheater

Now I will give a general synopsis on each cheater. In the end men will be able to determine what type of cheater they are and women will know who you are really dealing with. Are we ready ladies to delve into the world of the cheater? Keep on reading.

The Rebellious Child Cheater

This type of cheater usually is involved in a mother-child relationship where the woman is the dominant figure. He feels powerless in her domineering grasp. He is afraid of the responsibilities of manhood so like a child he regresses and rebels. He takes on the “I can do what I want to do” mentality. He sneaks off and cheats with other women. He does this strictly as a form of defiance. He wants to show that he cannot be controlled 100 percent.

The Delayed Player Cheater

When you don’t complete something, you will want to finish it at some point in your life. Most men in our society have to go through their player stage. Some men get it out the way early and others go through it much later. He didn’t play the field when he was more than likely he married young and now wants to sow his royal oats he is now more established and financially stable and getting play from other women that he didn’t get earlier on. Now the player within wants to reveal himself he loves his wife and doesn’t want to leave her. This is often described as a mid-life crisis.

The Playing-with-Fire Cheater

This type of cheater is motivated by the thought of getting caught. He toys with the idea of being caught in the act. This serves as an aphrodisiac for him. This is the type to sleep with your best friend or sister. Inevitably, he wants to get caught playing it that close. He will even be so bold as to commit these acts in your bed. This type of cheater is usually laid back and unassuming, who is extremely turned on by the fact that he is doing something naughty or devious. In other aspects of life he wishes he could be more adventurous but he’s not.

The Cheaper-to-Keep-Her Cheater

This type of guy is in a relationship or marriage that has run out of gas. The sparks fizzled long ago and he wants to genuinely end it so they can go their separate ways. But he also knows she will take him to the cleaners. He loses a lot by leaving. So it’s cheaper to keep her. He usually has a “business arrangement” with the wife. And he gets to get back into the dating scene with no remorse, because in his mind the relationship is technically over anyway.

Ladies have you found you cheater yet. If you haven’t don’t feel bad I haven’t found mine either? Men are you wiggling in your seats knowing you are about to be found out. What’s done in the dark always comes out in the light! What type of cheater are you or are you dealing with? Share your thoughts below. And men while I have your attention feel free to e-mail me your relationship issues at loverz.quarrel@gmail.com maybe it can save you the trouble of cheating.

If men can do it, why can’t women? When it comes to the double standard of promiscuity men and women are separate NOT equal on this issue. Yes he can do it and no you should not follow suit.

Promiscuous sex impacts men and women differently. For women, sexual promiscuity has emotional and physical ramifications. It is not in a woman’s nature to have multiple sex partners. Remember ladies we are internal creatures. Hence our sex organ is on the inside of our bodies. Men are external creatures and their sex organ is on the outside of their body. Let’s view this from a physiological standpoint when a man pulls out of you he is detached from you. Sex to them is a form of physical reaction with the end goal being an orgasm.

Men don’t develop an emotional attachment through sexual intercourse. Men become emotionally attached to a woman based on things she can bring to the table I.e, loyalty or dedication.

The question then becomes are you in a relationship or a long-term booty call? It is imperative that you answer this question to yourself in an honest and unabashed manner. Long-term booty calls often outlast most relationships. I was a habitual booty call dater. I would get emotionally attached to an emotionally unavailable man. Which reiterates the fact that women have no business trying to compete with men in this arena.

Are you hopeless devoted to a long-term booty call with frivolous aspirations of love? Share your thoughts below.

There are many fallacies we commit in dating. We know there are problems yet we refuse to address them. You can be factitious with your girls but you cannot continuously lie to yourself. In this post I will address three major mishaps that often occur in relationships. I will also point out the ways to rectify them.

Mistake #1

Dating men based on your OWN expectations, instead of the REALITY he presents.

How many times have you or your girls proclaimed he wasn’t like that in the beginning? You are well aware of whom he is based on his actions yet you take on the arduous task of making and molding him into the man you want him to be. Then, when he reverts back to his old ways you act shocked. We have to stop ignoring a man’s true colors.

Play or Be Played Rule #3

When a man’s nonverbal language tells you what he is about, you better accept it.

Three simple ways to know that he is into you:

He makes direct eye contact with you.
He uses elaborate hand gestures when he is talking to you (this exudes confidence in what he is saying).
Everything he is saying to you can actually be verified.

Mistake #2

Being in denial.

This is the biggest mistake women make when dealing with relationship issues. Unfortunately, society has made denial a comfortable place to be. Men are forced to deal with the consequences of their actions immediately. Women on the other hand have temporary safe houses. Denial like cancer eventually catches up to you. Initially you can ignore it, and it continues to take over your body, it eventually becomes inoperable.

A woman with game knows how to be honest with HERSELF when she sees that something she is doing in her relationship is wrong. She will immediately rectify the situation at all cost. Even if it means temporary pain, she needs to maintain her sexy for decades to come.

Immediate Pleasure vs. Immediate Pain

Ladies we have two choices when dealing with immediate pain.

Do you?

a)      Want to get immediate pleasure, but suffer longtime pain, or

b)  Withstand immediate pain, so that it will lead to long-term pleasure?

In many cases, we get so complacent with being in their comfort zone, equate temporary discomfort with pain. Just because it is giving you comfort, doesn’t mean it is good for you in the long run. Never run and hide because the beat goes on with or without you. Thus, leaving you to deal with the effects and consequences of the world around you.

Mistake #3

Don’t try to dominating your relationships.

This is rampant in society, but even more so in the black community. There are three categories of relationship power structures:

Man-Woman Relationships

In this relationship the man and woman are on a leveled playing field. Remember male leadership is not synonymous with female oppression. Let him lead and you support.

Father-Daughter Relationships

In this relationship the man controls everything. Women in these types of relationships are looking for a Daddy not a man. This is where the Sugar Daddy thrives.

Mother-Child Relationships

The woman is basically running everything and calling the shots.

Tip #5 on how women can have game:
 

Learn to realize and accept when something isn’t working for you. Stop beating a dead horse. Let that horse go.
 

What common mistakes are you making in your relationships? What kind of relationships have or are you in? Share your thoughts below.

What type of man are you dating? There are 5 types of men player, professional, pushover, parolee, and the awe-inspiring Renaissance man. Now ideally we should be dating the last one but we are hard headed and stubborn as hell so we usually date one of the four Ps, player, professional, pushover, and /or the parolee. Let me first start off by breaking down each type:

The Player:

He is the charismatic guy with the gift of the gab when it comes to women. He is sexually driven and there appetite for women is insatiable. Seasoned players know the right thing to say at the right time thus giving the reason why women are secretly intrigued by players.

The Professional:

He is very intelligent who is articulate and goal oriented. He is used to the finer things in life. The suit and tie guy that has it all together? In case you were wondering this is my kind of guy. I always fall for this type.

The Pushover:

He is easy-going, and non-confrontational. He is sensitive to a woman’s needs he is very sentimental as well as romantic. Unfortunately, for him he is perceived as being too nice; perish the thought, and not having a backbone. In fact this type gets vilified for not disrespecting a woman by trying to hit the sack and often gets erroneously labeled as having a high propensity for being homosexual.

The Parolee:
 

He is a street cat who was brought up and influenced by the hard-knock inner city life. The majority are either referred to as scrubs or slackers. Most use their inferior social condition as an incentive to educate themselves and get out of the hood. Others fully embrace ignorance and poverty, and make it part of their identity.

As I stated before the four Ps represent who we typically date out of needs and wants at the moment. In other words we settle for what we can get versus what we truly want and deserve. Yet the smart woman knows that settling is not an option and she will opt for the Renaissance man knowing she is his exact compliment. The Renaissance man incorporates the four Ps therefore making him the dominant male in the pack. He is smooth and sexy like the player, intelligent and financially stable like the professional, compassionate at times, like the pushover, and can send your endorphins in overdrive like the parolee. James Bond is the ultimate Renaissance man. He is suave (player). He is intelligent in the way he figures out how to get out of certain situations, and fly in his style of dress (professional). He is gruffly sensitive (pushover). He lives dangerously, always on the edge (parolee). 

The Renaissance man definitely sounds sexy so why is it that we aren’t swayed by his alluring persona. Why do we systematically choose to overlook him? We love triple threats in Hollywood but not in real life. Apart of it may be we feel inadequate in his eyes and feels as though we are not on his level. Yet if you seriously want to have a good man that encompasses all the attributes you desire then step it up and become the ultimate Renaissance woman. A Renaissance woman has the ability and credentials to choose which of the 4 Ps she needs at the moment. Until she is truly ready to tackle the Renaissance man. 

Which of the 4 Ps is your type? Are you the Renaissance woman why or why not? Renaissance men describe your Renaissance woman? Share your thoughts below.

Professional victim:

Someone who (usually falsely) claims victimization any time things don’t go their way. Everywhere this person goes, they believe someone is taking advantages of them. This person has many stories of being kept down, numerous abuse incidents throughout their childhood and adolescence and adulthood. This person will regale you with stories of their failures as a result of someone other than themselves. It’s never their fault, in whole or in part. Life just isn’t fair for these people. The professional victim cannot take responsibility for his or her own shortcomings and life failures, so they claim to be a victim of circumstance and/or other people.

You know the type every mate in my life has hurt me, cheated on me, or just took advantage of me. It was never my fault; I am just an unsuspecting victim. They will cry you a river from here to the Nile. They never take any accountability for their own mistakes or shortcomings in a relationship. See I could argue that all my boyfriends cheated on me so I do not trust any man to be faithful. For one if I knew the signs why did I stay and it would be erroneous of me to generalize all men. I am just a good catch and everyone keeps dropping me. Nope not me I know that I have tolerated too damn much in my dating life. That is why my love life is in complete shambles and only I can sweep up the pieces. Now I am not saying that I should have had to endure infidelity but there are always warning signs in a relationship good and bad acknowledge them and proceed with extreme caution. It is like walking off a cliff and wondering how you landed on your behind. If you are that lucky I digress.

Let me now point out the signs of a professional victim:

Attention freak:

This person always seeks out attention. It is always about them and no one else. Woe is them and the hell with you and your issues. The emotionally immature person needs interaction, feedback, and validation of their worth. The emotionally mature person doesn’t need to go hunting for these; they gain it naturally from their daily life, especially from stable relationships.

Attention seeking methods

Attention seekers commonly exploit the suffering of others to gain attention for themselves. Or they may exploit their own suffering, or alleged suffering.

The Victim: she may intentionally create acts of harassment against herself, e.g. send herself hate mail or damage her own possessions in an attempt to incriminate a fellow employee, a family member, neighbor, etc. Scheming, cunning, devious, deceptive and manipulative, she will identify her “harasser” and produce circumstantial evidence in support of her claim. She will revel in the attention she gains and use her glib charm to plausibly dismiss any suggestion that she herself may be responsible. However, a background check may reveal that this is not the first time she has had this happen to her.

Now when I took a look at the term professional victim when reading Played or Be Played by Tariq Nasheed I fit the bill to a tee. I always complain about things that I could control yet I refuse to take control of them. Initially, when I read this book I was in denial about who I truly was. I just thought men were doing me dirty without rhyme or reason. Now that my mind is receptive to his teaching I can admit that I am a professional victim. The truth shall set me free and sting like hell. Now that I am aware of the fact that I am indeed an attention freak I will take the necessary steps to correct that. Hence, no dating until I get my stuff together. When it is all said and done I want to feel and conduct myself as a queen. Though old habits die hard, with hard work they do die.

A queen doesn’t have to try and get attention from other to self-validate her self-worth, because a queen already knows she’s the shit. And when you are the shit, you can adapt and relate to anyone in any environment (p. 34). Now we move on to

Tip #2 on how women can have game:

Try to smile as much as you can. It just puts you and everyone around you at ease. It makes you more approachable in social settings.

Are you a professional victim? Men have you dated a professional victim? Share your thoughts below.

Are Daddy issues standing between you and your Alpha male? Do you want a man to possess the qualities and attributes Daddy lacked? First, let me begin by saying that Alpha should be your MAN, not a replacement Daddy. Second, your father’s lack of reputable qualities should not have anything to do with your dating choices.

Today when reading “Played or Be Played” I realize my type of man is the Alpha male. The almighty powerful, knowledgeable, and strong man. The kind of man strong enough to handle me. I am not the kind of woman for the faint of heart. I have emotions that overwhelm me at times and I desire a strong emotional support system. Not some weakling who will crack under pressure. When I told a friend I love an Alpha man and he is a leader and I like a man to take the wheel he called me out on my Daddy issues. Granted I have loads of them but refuse to allow it to take me out of the running for acquiring what I so richly desire. Though I am not ready for him yet I have him in my sights forsaken all others. It is because of this tunnel vision no other man stands a chance.

But I wonder does my battle with Daddy issues mean my inevitable doom with the Alpha male. The man who was supposed to make and mold me let me welter away into existence. So the man I knew my father to be was a man I could not get to. It was almost as if he was an enigma. Even today as we are closer than ever I actively seek his approval and love. I do things out of a cry for attention and Daddy steps over me not the least bit phased by my tantrums. I don’t blame him for my issues as I know I must address them. My father’s reaction is one of logic not love. Love I must find in my nurturing mother. My father does not sugarcoat straight up without a chaser. His words are not for the light hearted.
He teaches me in adulthood that I cannot rely on him emotionally. Yet I look for a man to fill that void. How asinine is that?

My Daddy issues run deep and the Alpha male runs further away from me. I lack guidance and discipline. I am bad at being a self starter which allows you to fall by the wayside in life. Alpha male shall lead me and transform me into the woman I should be. What am I saying? No wonder the Alpha male does not want me I am no where near his game level. Thank goodness I took a dating hiatus when I did or I would have never been in the running for an Alpha male. I have bred insecurity, self-loathing, low self-esteem and many more negative qualities for so long. I wanted attention no matter what the cost. The Alpha male will not tolerate that in any form. He wants and deserves a queen.

If you want an Alpha male you have to not only get his attention it is your skills that he can appreciate that will keep him in tune to your channel. No ladies this is not about hanging from chandeliers. It is about being a queen. One who is respected and appreciate by the Alpha male. Like a queen I believe in Tip #1 on how to have game. I take full responsibility for my actions and decisions. I decided to settle for what I can get instead of what I really want. The Alpha male.

Are your Daddy issues standing in the way of your true love? Alpha males do women with Daddy issues turn you off? Share your thoughts below.

Are you going to play or be played? While on dating hiatus I have decided to catch up on some necessary reading. There was an author I came across years ago that I detested for a long time. I vilified him for his book “The Art of Mackin”. I felt like how he can write a book teaching men how to play us. I mean the person I was dating at the time was reading this book and using the tips on me. One of which I really liked. I digress that is a blog for another day. So I was not fond of Mr. Tariq I hate when men play games and he is the king of games. Despite the fact I outwardly despised “The Art of Mackin” I was inwardly intrigued by it. This book challenged me I read it but it confused me because it was not meant for me I need something meant for me. Later, I discovered he wrote the book “Play or Be Played: What every female should know about men, dating, and relationships”. Initially, when I tried to read this book I was still confused. I wanted to get back at men and this would help me do it. Needless, to say I was unsuccessful and miserable once again.

Now that I am focusing on me it is a perfect time as any to read it. I can be receptive and I realize I have to have it together before I can meet my Renaissance man. So I am ending the “Sex-less in the City” series and now starting my review of “Play or Be Played”. So ladies get out your notebooks and be prepared to step your game up. I am going to touch on the imperative parts essential to our growth as queens. To have a king (Alpha Male) you must be a queen (Alpha Female). In this series we will focus on what we are willing to bring to the table when we ask for a quality man. Ladies in order to have a quality man you must possess qualifications and credentials. Erroneously, we have believed credentials equal potential. Everyone has potential; it is what you do with it that will give you sustenance.

Ladies often we think we know how to please a man. We know all the tricks of the trade so why are we still missing the mark. If men are such simple creatures and we believe them to be why is it so complex to please them? Let that marinate for a minute. If you are offended it is because you don’t really care about what it takes to please a man. You are solely focus on you. I am going to be brash with you because sugar-coating only pacified the problem without any real solution in sight. Men want you to feed them, and supply them with the cookie. We have to learn to be selfless ladies if we want to achieve happiness in the dating world. 

Now we will explore further what men want. When a man meets a woman she goes into one of two categories, potential mate or potential sex partner. Which one are you? For a long time I have been a really fun partner. I am so bored with that role. It is time to step up into the potential mate category. It is more about focusing on you and improving your game. Game in fact affects every aspect of your life. What is the sense in having you together everywhere but fall flat in the dating world? These lessons go across the board.  I finally realized if I get my shit together in every aspect of my life then it will carry over into intricate parts like dating, finances, spirituality, and the list goes on. 

Ready to woman up! I am.

What a man wants varies based on qualities and characteristics, both men and women have a common thread. A man has two types of needs a primal need and a social need. His primal need is an orgasm. His social need is power through leadership. He wants to be his own man. The two needs depending on his level of game weigh their importance of one over the other. A disciplined man seeks out power, a scrub settles for an orgasm.

Just because his primal need is an orgasm; does not mean the cookie has an exuberant value system. Keep in mind Play or Be Played rule number one: A man does not have to like you to sleep with you. It would be nice though.

Good rule to keep in mind especially when you are caught up in the sex partner category. In case you are wondering you end up in the category because obviously you value attention more than appreciation but we will get to that topic later. Remember ladies you have to be the Alpha Female to get the Alpha Male.

Are you tired of being played? Is it time for you to step your game up? Share your thoughts below.

My body has been wanting to do a dance that my mind keeps forgetting
the steps to. Purposefully, giving me selective amnesia I have had no
recourse. For this feeling is unrelenting. I am reaching my breaking
point. Self love has to draw near at a time when I am more than
exhausted. Yet, thoughts dance around my mind all day. How do I
release these powerful and overwhelming emotions you ask? They are
released through sexting.

Yet I feel as though I am cheating on my diet. I am wondering if
either I am being too hard on me or too light. I have to raise the bar
so why not start there. Sexting only evokes these emotions more
intensely. Before I continue let me clarify what sexting entails. It
consists of sending sexually charged text messages and sometimes
suggestive photos. Guilty as charged. You all know I have a way with
words. These titillating messages only heighten my emotions sending my
endorphins on a cosmic ride.

Am I setting myself up for an epic fail? Thinking about it is one
thing but sexting is putting words to action. Can I get sent to the
principal’s office for my naughty thoughts? Or is the thought of not
sexting my way through senseless? I cannot set the bar so high that
even I cannot achieve my goal. I am determined to exhibit some self
control as well as restraint. What happens when I am asked to take it
a step further then what? Prelude to the kiss. Can I put my hand to
his lip and refuse him? So many questions what is a girl supposed to
do. By right I am truly ostracizing myself by admitting sexual
thoughts intrude my mind incessantly.

How do I combat this intense desire without following through? As I
glance at myself in the mirror I feel heavy and tense. My body needs
to lift off in a major way. Lately, I have been cold and contrite
feeling on edge. Could the lack of be contributing to my recent
attitude change? How safe is sexting? Is it as innocent and harmless
as we portray it to be?  No, it is emotionally and physically
dangerous for our thoughts often become our actions. Instead of exting maybe I could write some of what I am feeling in a journal.
Sorry guys that’s my single sex behavior cannot divulge everything
have to keep a little of me for ME!

Is sexting cheating….on my diet? What do you think? Share your
thoughts below. Don’t forget to email me your relationship questions
to loverz.quarrel@gmail.com. Don’t be shy I will post questions and
answers in a future post.

Am I limiting myself by dating solely black men? As I am taking this dating hiatus I wonder if I should expand my dating horizon to include men that are not of color. I do not want to be villainous for not being receptive of the idea. I have been infatuated with Black men for quite some time. Especially, chocolate brothers, with that sexy smile, gorgeous face, and big, strong back. Whew! It gives me chills just thinking of my fantasy man.

Yet I cannot help wondering if my fantasy guy is putting a damper on my love life. Could Mr. Right be White? And most importantly is it racist of me to exclude men who are not of color from my mate selection process. Don’t get me wrong I have dated outside my race for sport but not for a serious foundation. In addition, caramel and chocolate place nice together. Why should I shake this harmonious union? And if it is so grand then why do I keep being faced with prospects that don’t meet my standards. Can a White man meet my standards? He can’t if I continue to purposefully exclude him. Shouldn’t love be colorblind? If I cross that line will I be viewed as a sellout? At the end of the day who cares Black men have done it for years. This thought permeates in my soul.

I will admit though that my love for Black love runs deep. It is not just because we have been through so much together and need to continue to compliment one another. Even though, I could almost swear I could see my truth in his pretty brown eyes. I love Black men. I like to think I am open-minded but I think the jury clearly finds me guilty of rejecting love in its purest colorblind form. Now I don’t knock friends who have stepped outside of the color wheel. It’s just either he has not found me or I am hiding out from any potential prospects. In college there was this sexy Italian guy that caught my attention. He was a hopeless romantic. The kind of guy that was attentive to you even the things you didn’t say. I could see something I wanted just laid eyes on it and the next day he would show up to my door with it.

One night he revealed to me his true feelings. I was so shocked. He was enamored with me. Smitten by my kind heart and down to Earth ways. I wouldn’t pursue it though I was afraid. Afraid what people would think. I wonder if that fear still envelopes me. Love is love. Blue eyed or not.

When I end this hiatus I will challenge myself to open the floor to Mr. Right even if he isn’t tall, dark, and handsome. Let’s see how I fair.

Are you limiting yourself to just Black men? Why are you so afraid? Share thoughts below.