Do you love yourself? If you can sincerely reply yes to this question then kudos to you. I am sitting here trying to read a recent Essence article titled “Falling In Love With Me”. Sounds interesting right. So why am I being so rebellious and adamant about not reading it. The writer is single and loving it tired of looking for love beyond herself. When you love yourself then you will truly know how to love.

I guess it is time for a confession or two or three. First, I don’t love myself and I never have. Two, I purposely date unworthy men to take the focus off myself. If I can love them then maybe they can love me the way I should love myself. Three, I don’t truly understand what it means to love me.

The other day I heard “Greatest Love of All” on Pandora. I broke down just as I did years ago when my mother was rehearsing it for her nursing school graduation. I broke down for the same reasons I did back then because the greatest love of all is void in me. I detest when loved ones say “Neisha, you don’t love yourself.” I quickly retort back “what do you mean I don’t love myself?” I keep myself nice so I do care for me.

Yet I allow men to distract me from focusing on myself. I am adamant about the fact that love for myself takes a back burner to loving someone else. I can love you unconditionally flaws and all. But really I am afraid if you really knew me you couldn’t love me at all. How could I ask you when I cannot do the same?

I hate myself. I hate being alone. I hate focusing on me. I hate anything that pertains to me, myself, and I. Sure I love the song but in the end I have my daughter not me, myself, and I. I can barely look in the mirror at the image that is me. It is more than the exterior presence it is the overwhelming neglect of the interior. I allowed myself to be used and abused just for the sake of saying I am connected to someone. The truth is I am just not ready to love me.

It is so much work. Who am I? What makes me so interesting and lovable by me? I might just rip this damn article up. The title is too much to bear. I have a major headache contemplating reading it. Why do I have to love me? Why can’t I just pour my love into my child and maybe even a man? Why must it go to me?

Men are a natural affinity for me. Although, deep down I know no man is capable of loving me flaws and all because that is something I refuse to do for myself. I want so badly to be loved but I refuse to over it to myself. I would rather lose myself in someone else. How can I be the best when I don’t know how to take care of my best asset, ME?

What more incentive do I need to love me? Hello I am a mother who should lead by example. I pour all my love into my child which leads to little to none for me. I am very calculated I tell her she is beautiful often and praise her just as much. But do I extend that same courtesy to me? Nope!

I figure I will work on it some other time. It can wait but in all honesty it cannot. This self-hatred has to stop. This desire for validation from the outside is ridiculous. Today I will set some personal goals for myself. I will set three goals and three actions steps to follow up.

1. Embrace my inner beauty

-Look in the mirror daily and say one positive thing about me.

2. Put myself first.

-Contemplate how to make a decision that benefits me first and foremost.

3. Truly take a dating hiatus.

-Refuse any new numbers and delete unnecessary contacts.

I will start with number on today despite the fact it is by far the most difficult. I can envelope you in compliments but I suffocate myself with negativity. I told someone certain things about me to push them away. I cannot love myself so I do not deserve to be loved.

God loves me so why can’t I love me. He loves me flaws and all. Why can’t I adopt the same philosophy? How can I truly honor Him and hate me?

I will stop here and pick up tomorrow prayer fully I will have read the article. But let’s not hold our breaths.

How can someone who hates them self learn to love them self? Share your thoughts below.

Growing up I never personally experienced the sting of colorism. I personally believed both dark skin and light skin were beautiful. I always embraced my caramel complexion even at those periods when I was reminded how “ugly” I was. I never knew why I was “ugly” yet somehow I thought if I looked different if my eye wasn’t so lazy maybe I would be pretty.

I didn’t feel the effects of colorism until I had my daughter. She was born to me so beautiful and full of life. When people first saw her it was always she is so light and so pretty. After asking was she mixed with Spanish heritage in which I would reply no most times sometimes I lied and said yes. They would always retort she must look like her father since she looks nothing like you. Often reminding me how ugly I was. He even told people he was drunk when we conceived her. An awful lie. Yes her father is light-skinned with beautiful green eyes. My daughter definitely has his complexion.

It is funny so many believe I am blessed that she is beautiful and has long hair. Which is apart of the reason they think she is mixed. Often I wonder would they think she was so pretty is she was a darker hue. To be honest my baby looks just like me despite her complexion. My daughter is beautiful and I would have love and hugged her even if she was a darker hue. I am determined my daughter will know she is beautiful. Not just because of her light skin and her hair down her back. She is a beautiful child of God no matter her hue. I never want her to apologize for being who she is.

I wrote this inspired by Essence’s article for December 2011 issue. I question all the time my beauty I have struggled with it and here my daughter is accepted with welcome arms and I am in awe of how much she loves herself. I try to search within for love of myself but somehow it gets lost in translation. I know I have to find it in order to keep that love ignited in her. Somehow my fire was extinguished long ago and is on the brink of extinction. Sometimes I feel my caramel skin is beautiful but more often than not I question my beauty.

I often look at my sisters and their various hues and long to be confident like them. Secure in my caramel skin. Love the caramel kisses I often give away. I could never rest on pretty. It was never an option for me. The only absolute was I was smart. Intellect was my greatest attribute. Never ran out of those compliments. Yet, secretly I longed to be pretty often wondered how it felt to be pretty like my chocolate sister Jazz. She more than proved beauty and brains was a powerful thing. She was smart and gorgeous. Men flock to her just on the strength of her outer appearance. I often wished that would happen to me.

I have always been a chameleon always just blended in. Often I go unnoticed unless it comes to wit then I stand out. I cannot comfortably accept a compliment. But let someone compliment my daughter and I ham it up. She is pretty and I tell her so. I linger in my past wishing someone reminded me how beautiful I was like my sis Jazz. Everyone always raved how pretty she was. I write this out of hurt not jealousy. She is the reason I truly believe dark skin is so beautiful. At times it was more celebrated than light or brown skin. My mother is a beautiful shade of dark chocolate. Sometimes I’d wish I was too. At times I forget the struggles of others because I am consumed by their beauty.

I am obsessed with beautiful women. Longing to look like them. I am not content with my caramel complexion as much as I would like others to believe. I just want to be careful with my daughter I want to embrace her beauty as much as her brains. The brains more than anything I don’t need a beautiful bubble. I want to know I don’t love her anymore or any less because of her lighter hue.

Reading that article taught me I am so accepting of others but not of myself. What a sad state of affairs! It is time to learn to love me and all that I come with.

Do you struggle with colorism? Does colorism define you? Share your thoughts below.

Fear and I have a love-hate relationship. At times I find her to be very comforting. I have often allowed her to purposefully stand in the way of my success. As Marianne Williamson said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

I have the potential to be great but I fear expectation. The greater I am the more that will be asked of me. In my heart writing is my one true love. I have had the pleasure of expressing myself through spoken word, blogging, and my own column. Yet at the height of my success I walked away. Fear consumed me. The fear of success was too much to bear.

I know my talent would be a beautiful career in the near future. The beauty in fear is the way it protects you and makes you feel secure. It is so beautiful to lie at someone else’s feet rather than resting your feet on a pedestal.

Yet I know in my heart fear and I cannot carry on our love affair. For I have to lead by example for my daughter. It is time to take a risk and step out on faith. Time to believe in me and my talent.

Are you dating someone who you have to initiate contact with all the time? To a man this would be an obvious sign of disinterest. Yet we women like to make excuses maybe he is busy, he has a lot on his plate, or anything.

We refuse to accept the obvious, why? I am saying this for me as much as for you. Ladies stop being in denial he just doesn’t want you. I know it sounds harsh but reality is often harsh and not sweet at all.

A lot of times we simply just do not want to left feeling unwanted. If all he offers is sex move on no sense in adding another unnecessary notch on your belt. In most cases, he is getting more than he is giving. You know little or nothing about this man. This post is coming from a place riddled in hurt. I am so tired of giving of myself and getting crumbs in return. Just be a man about it. Sounds simple enough. Yet we have to be woman enough to walk away alone. Quit holding onto someone who was never joined to you.

He told you in so many words he would never be yours. All he can offer is this and that. You deserve better than this and that you have to know that. Walk away with your dignity in tact. It hurts like hell when you desire more than he does. Especially, when you all have known each other for quite some time and he only pursues you to do you. All that energy on a momentary fix. It is so belittling like that’s all you see in me. Yet he says there is more yet his actions prove it is just the physical. Keep your cookie to your damn self. He is so not worth it. Once you deem him unworthy move on without any qualms. He will just keep on till he can poke somebody else.

No love lost and no more notches added to your belt. Stop settling for less than the best. Always remember this too shall pass and the best is yet to come. Yes ladies this message is for us. Let him go!

I am going to take my own advice. I am going to let this thing go no matter how much it hurts. I know this means going back to the drawing board but it is time to put my pen down for a while. Obviously, this thing is not working for me. I need time off. It gets lonely but we cannot fear being alone more than being with someone who is unworthy of our time and attention.

Are you interested in someone who only offers you little to nothing? Do you want more? What are you willing to do to change the situation? Share your thoughts below.

Why do nice guys have to pay child support? If he plays his part why must he pay you anything. Ladies some of you are using these children as meal tickets. He puts in time and attention in his child. He sets the foundation for a solid father-child bond. Ladies you are never satisfied he gets a raise you want a raise.

Quick to bring in the white man to delegate the black family clan at least financially. Why is it that a man is not allowed to lead us? Now before you get your panties in a bunch I am referring to responsible fathers only. The ones who value being a father as much if not more than we value motherhood. The type of man who will give his last before he sees his child go without. Granted some men do not want to play their part and child support was invented specifically for these sorry creatures. Now the question often arises how exactly is the child support spent and who is it spent on? Some of you ladies are guilty as charged to getting those payments and running straight to the hair and nail salon while your kids run around looking a mess.

Get your priorities straight. Child support is for the child NOT you. Now that I have gotten the pleasantries let me explain why I brought this up. I am furious that some of you women have good fathers and treat them like crap. You do not appreciate anything they do. If he doesn’t work how can you get blood from a turnip yet he puts in time where his money is short. No he doesn’t deserve any special accolades for his fatherly duties. But cut the man some slack taking his taxes and everything. Have you no heart.

The rest of us mothers look bad for the few of you that do not appreciate a good thing. My daughter’s father is an absentee father. I would deeply value his time much more than his money. I never asked for money if she needed diapers I just asked can he pick them up no money ever needed to touch my hands. Yet he couldn’t do that so yes this black woman called on the white man to set the black man straight.

I know child support is a necessary evil. But try utilizing it for the right reason. The power of the cookie is leaving some of you ladies brain dead. Children are not a meal ticket. Respect that man let him do for his child. He is well aware you could but child support on him. Stop using it as a manipulative bargaining chip.

Don’t get me started when he is ready for another child with someone else you yell out increase. Do you want a check daddy or a father for your children? Leave your insecurities at home and focus on the bigger picture. You child needs his/her father as much if not more than they need you. Allow him to be there stopping denying him the right to see his child because you are pissed his girl was over there with you children. Get over yourself….quickly. Your children’s innocent eyes are watching intently. Monitoring your interaction with child’s father.

Are you a father wrongly forced to pay child support? Share your thoughts below.

I was walking by the bus stop and noticed the Trentonian and a picture of a woman with leopard print pants on and braids with a headline that read insult 101. Her attire caught my eye. It truly captured my attention more than the article. I was not sympathetic at all. I am in a stage of growth and change. We need to be more than what we wear. Our clothes are defining how people view us. How can we be taken seriously when we are dressed for the club in an academic or professional atmosphere. Many times I get pulled aside for dressing too sexy. I was pissed how dare they tell me how to dress. It is my prerogative. Or so I thought. I was stagnated sure I wasn’t lacking in the attention department but I was lacking in progress.

I was not going anywhere in my career or life period. My clothes were my downfall and epitomized my failure. So I decided it was time for a serious change. I have updated my wardrobe discarded some sexy items and put club wear in the back of the closet not meant for work. I am covering it up versus letting it all hang out. Using what I had to get what I wanted was getting me nowhere fast.

How can someone take me seriously? When they are distracted by my voluptuous breasts displayed in my low cut top? You do not have to hide your assets but you do not have to advertise them either. I have grown tiresome of being classified a sexy kitten. I am a woman who is both beautiful and intelligent. My intellect was shrouded by my constant need to be sexy. I took being pretty to a whole other level and lost my credibility along the way. In my old job I was a no-nonsense worker. Wore my suits, dresses, and skirts. My work was impeccable and spoke volumes. Yet I had a reputation for dressing too provocatively. Which quieted their perception of me as a professional. I made male co-workers uncomfortable in my presence. I was so ignorant of this I was not aware of this until some years later. I kept wondering why in four years of excellent work I was never in a position of advancement.

So I have adopted a new philosophy my clothes will no longer define who I am. No longer will my look supersede my work ethic. I have a new attitude. I have a shorter do and no patience for failure. Look at my work not me. Anticipate my success not what I am wearing today. I have been picking up signature pieces that are conservative and professional. The gaudy girl is gone that people used to gawk at in the workplace. I will bring sexy back when it is ladies night.

After reading the article I came to this conclusion I do not condone the maintanence man actions or words yet I know our attire sometimes leaves room for interpretation. We need to take our look and persona more seriously for it is a pertinent part of our growth. We should not allow our look to typecast us. Granted we are free to wear what we like yet we have to keep in mind whether or not we want to our look to stagnate or motivate others. Preserve your sexy for the appropriate time.

Would you date someone who refused to accept your child? Would this be a deal breaker? Some people want to love you but are not willing to accept the package that comes along with you. Now I will admit before I became a Mom I refused to date a man with a child. I did not want to deal with any baby mama drama. Despite the fact I loved kids I knew that was something I did not want to deal with. I met someone who was a great man and I could have loved and accepted his situation with his child years later this choice would come back to haunt me.

It is present day and I am a mother of a 10 year old. Single and looking for a companion. I am looking for that intelligent, ambitious, confident, suitor. Up until a few weeks ago I thought I found him, we will change his name for the sake of the story. Omar was just the kind of guy I liked in my ideal mate in fact. We shared so many common interests and our chemistry was undeniable. Everything clicked when we put our expectations and intent on the table is when trouble surfaced in paradise. It seems he did not mind befriending a single mom he just was adamant about the fact he would not get serious about her. He did not want a ready-made family.  It seemed from his observation I was a great girl but my daughter was a deal breaker for him. Crushed does not begin to describe how I felt at that moment. I was speechless I had like him from afar for so long and part of me knew it would never be but it never occurred to me that he would never be able to accept the more pertinent person in my life.

For some this would have been the beginning of the end.  You can never change someone who does not want to change. Yet he reassured me that I should stay and with the hope that maybe his position would change, like a fool I remained with him. Cuddling and sexing him night after night. Misconstruing the mornings when he would want me to stay longer as him saying baby I want you. Naively, I convinced myself his long embrace meant something so much deeper. I understood it to me he wanted me no matter what and he would come around. He even took me on a date despite our arrangement, with no provocation from me. He definitely seemed genuinely interested in me he was coming around. Yet I was still struggling with the fact he did not want a serious relationship with me because I was a Mom.

One day against my better judgment I asked him out on a date, he refused to go citing he had a single mindset. So it was ok for us to have sex but that was the extent of it. It was like a slap in the face I blew a gasket. To be honest I was mostly mad at myself not Omar. I was a fool for ever thinking he would come around. Men are great at saying exactly what they mean and women have a great way of manipulating their words to mean something that better suit our needs. When a man tells you something believe him and his actions. I made it so convenient for Omar giving him something he can feel for the moment without him having to give me anything more.

I am not writing this expecting any sympathy for it was my naiveté that got me in this mess. I am a grown woman who knows full well what this situation was. The person I feel for is my daughter I was wasting time with him that could have be better spent with her. All because I wanted to be held and caressed. It was not even about the sex it was just that constant need to belong to someone.

I guess you could say I was being desperate. I was so willing to accept a man in any form. Willing to compromise my values and standards just to say I belong to someone. A sad state of affairs I was willing to sell my soul to the one who gives me the most attention. What kind of example am I setting for my daughter? I tell her I would never put a man before her yet with Omar that is exactly what I did. Thankfully, I have learned from my wayward ways when a man tells me something I will listen to his words and actions meticulously.

Is a man not accepting your child a deal breaker? Or, have you compromised your standards selfishly for a temporary fulfillment? Share your thoughts below.

While listening to Beyonce’s cult hit Single Ladies as I bop to the eclectic electronic sounds I think about how we often say she ain’t me yet she is the one left holding the ring. It makes me wonder how do we that are left behind equate into the balance system of being marriage material?

Honestly, ladies are we marriage material? If we are why are we still very much single? Often we are involved in long relationship that only often amount to children without the ring. Now many of you will say marriage is over-rated and that many people rushing into it. I will say that you may have a valid point. But let’s focus on our single selves. Why is our single circle decreasing in size? Why are many of us sitting as spectators at the altar rather than standing there ourselves?

Now this piece is not a means to belittle single ladies everywhere but one has to wonder even secretly why did he marry her and not me? Often you have years vested with someone but what do you have to show for it? What did you bring to the table besides the obvious? We put way too much emphasis on the alleged power of the cookie. It does not hold as much weight as our delusional minds think. It does not matter how many chandeliers you hang upside down from this does not secure a ring. You have to undoubtedly prove yourself to be a worthy investment. What makes you think he wants to be stuck with you for the rest of his life?

Ladies we need to keep in mind that men are looking at us and our actions very carefully. We have to stop settling for quick fixes content with being the side girl and stand firm on being the one he can’t live without. Too many of us fall victim to the whole friends with benefits what man is going to take your seriously if you are giving it away to some random guy for free? He does not need to take you seriously because he can already see what a joke you are. Let’s face facts we are separate not equal in many facets of life. Yes he can sleep with many women and only allow one to capture his heart. Hell no you cannot do the same and yes you will be looked down upon. Double standards are alive and well so stay in your lane.

You want the golden ticket then baby you better earn it. Now the sure fire way to meet him is to stop looking for him. Yes we are tired of being by ourselves and want to feel like we belong to someone. Well try belonging to you make and mold you into a beautiful woman. Put time and energy on you. What are your goals in life? I am sure marriage is not the key to your happiness. If it is time for a re- evaluation, listen I am speaking from the heart. What I am telling you I am telling myself. Happiness is so necessary.

Respect your cookie! Stop giving it away to men who don’t matter and save it for the one who does.

Stop lying to yourself. I am not saying to act out impulsively every time but at least acknowledge your true feelings. Be true to yourself. Dare I say it give that man some. Stop denying what you both want. We are mature adults. Ladies admit it we know within the first five minutes of meeting a man what we want to do with him. The choice is yours! Stop thinking so damn much have some spontaneity to you. What the hell are you doing all those kegals for you have him so use him? All you are going to do is go home at night and use your toy or a hot shower or bath. Knowing you’re just teasing the hell out of you. If you do not want to be tempted do not spend time in his lair or yours?

This reminds me of my favorite movie “Love Jones” the scene where it was a hot summer night and Nina and Darius decided, well Nina decided they were not going to have sex that night. Lying there alone was torturing them along with the seemingly torturous heat. Of course lower heads prevailed otherwise there would have probably been some serious human combustion. You know the routine you want to feel like you’re saving something. Then you are walking around all worked up and aggravated. When you both know sexual healing can conquer angry emotions. I have never understood why some women deny men the obvious why do you have a man. Guilty as charged of using coochie control on him. Actually rationing out sex, what is that all about? There is nothing wrong with desiring sex and receiving it regularly. I hear outlandish stories of these things called coochie lockouts.

Ladies how do YOU manage during these arduous times? I am sure you suffer more than he does especially if he doesn’t chase he replaces. Granted there are foolish men out there who have women who are ready, willing and able anytime and anyplace and these fools will creep anyway. There is no hope for these fools. Now moving on, ladies we cannot be naïve men have needs just as we do. Do not deny them so much. Granted there are times when we are not in the mood that is cool. It even happens to them although that sounds strange especially when it is heard aloud. Oops was that a sexist statement. Sorry boys! I mean MEN.

The bottom line is our coochie I.O.U.s will expire very quickly. He will move on more quickly than you can recover. Give that man and yourself that due sustenance. It is a part of both of your need for survival. Give it up and turn those legs loose. Do you hold out even when you want to give in? Share your thoughts below.

When you meet someone are you immediately being shoved in the potential sex partner category? Which of course takes you out of the running for a potential partner? Why do you think this is occurring?

Often we send signals out saying the words our mouths refuse to utter. Each man’s criteria for his potential partner varies. Yet the requirement for a potential sex partner is the same a warm spot and a pulse. Now don’t get me wrong it is imperative that the man you date be attracted to you on all levels. Yes sexual attraction is a pertinent level. Yet, it is discouraging when he thinks that is all you have to offer.

When we meet a man we often tell him too much and he tells us very little. We ask direct questions yet his answers are often vague and misleading. Don’t say what you think I want to hear, when I need the truth. Do not mask your intent once you hear my expectations. Men and women say the same thing but the meaning differs slightly. When we say I am looking for a friend often it means I want to be friends first and work our way into something more if we connect that way. Men agree to this “friend” business often with the intent we can give them the benefits of a relationship without being stigmatized by a title.

A non-committed situation is ideal to them. Do they not realize how insulting it is to be pigeon-holed like that? It is like look at all these wonderful qualities I am offering you and all you want is sex. Ladies often we confuse our lust with a false connection. Yes if he is holding you and caressing you the libido begins to boil over. There is a strong desire not necessarily a connection. A man can detach himself emotionally and still long for you physically. We confuse that warm, fuzzy feeling we feel when he is caressing us with a strong, deeper meaning. He quite possibly be preparing the sheep for the slaughter. We are disillusioned into believing that we can be physical with him because we know later it will go somewhere. We convince ourselves our body is his now no sense in waiting. Wrong!

Trust your gut you know it is not you he wants when he speaks it is to the love below. We have to be aware of key cues. When you talk to him is he engaging you with his eye contact and body language. When you look into his eyes are they filled with the desire to explore your mind or just your body. Often when we have been out of the dating game for a minute we tend to make rookie mistakes. Such as giving it up too soon. Make him wait especially if you are confusing your expectations with his intent. If you two are not on the same page then the situation is null and void.

Be wary of his attempts to convince you there is a potential for more. He will thwart of any talk of him just wanting sex. It is rare a man will blatantly say baby I just want to have sex with you. In return you should be honest and say I want a relationship. Often we try and choose our words carefully as to avoid scaring him off. We don’t give men enough credit they have honed in on exactly what we want and decided to persuade us to go along with their plan as it suits their needs. Ladies don’t be mad we use the same trickery using our sex as a weapon. When the only one getting hurt is us.

Both sexes need to stop the madness. Stand your ground. If you just want to be friends don’t sleep with him in that stage. No matter how long it takes do not give in. How can he respect your position when you don’t? This doesn’t mean you will get what you but at least you can walk away with your head held high and your dignity intact.

Dating is often a cat and mouse game he likes a challenge so give him a good run. Don’t just lay there and take whatever is being offered to you. It is not enough he likes you. You want to be the woman he needs mind, body, and soul. Do not use being alone as a symptom of loneliness. Set the standard and never lower it otherwise you will never get what you want and need.

Do you feel as if you are being typecast? What are you going to do about it? Share your thoughts below.