Special Professional Victims Unit

Are you or someone you are dating a professional victim? Incessantly, ruminating on love gone awry granted I have been hurt and am timid in matters of the heart. Yet I refuse to be a professional victim. Let me elaborate on the term professional victim and maybe even give you some signs of one. First, let’s began with the terminology, a professional victim according to the Urban Dictionary:

 

Professional victim:

 

Someone who (usually falsely) claims victimization any time things don’t go their way. Everywhere this person goes, they believe someone is taking advantages of them. This person has many stories of being kept down, numerous abuse incidents throughout their childhood and adolescence and adulthood. This person will regale you with stories of their failures as a result of someone other than themselves. It’s never their fault, in whole or in part. Life just isn’t fair for these people. The professional victim cannot take responsibility for his or her own shortcomings and life failures, so they claim to be a victim of circumstance and/or other people.

 

You know the type every mate in my life has hurt me, cheated on me, or just took advantage of me. It was never my fault; I am just an unsuspecting victim. They will cry you a river from here to the Nile. They never take any accountability for their own mistakes or shortcomings in a relationship. See I could argue that all my boyfriends cheated on me so I do not trust any man to be faithful. For one if I knew the signs why did I stay and it would be erroneous of me to generalize all men. I am just a good catch and everyone keeps dropping me. Nope not me I know that I have tolerated too damn much in my dating life. That is why my love life is in complete shambles and only I can sweep up the pieces. Now I am not saying that I should have had to endure infidelity but there are always warning signs in a relationship good and bad acknowledge them and proceed with extreme caution. It is like walking off a cliff and wondering how you landed on your behind. If you are that lucky I digress.

 

Let me now point out the signs of a professional victim:

 

Attention freak:

This person always seeks out attention. It is always about them and no one else. Woe is them and the hell with you and your issues. The emotionally immature person needs interaction, feedback, and validation of their worth. The emotionally mature person doesn’t need to go hunting for these; they gain it naturally from their daily life, especially from stable relationships.

 

Attention seeking methods

 

Attention seekers commonly exploit the suffering of others to gain attention for themselves. Or they may exploit their own suffering, or alleged suffering.

 

The Victim: she may intentionally create acts of harassment against herself, e.g. send herself hate mail or damage her own possessions in an attempt to incriminate a fellow employee, a family member, neighbor, etc. Scheming, cunning, devious, deceptive and manipulative, she will identify her “harasser” and produce circumstantial evidence in support of her claim. She will revel in the attention she gains and use her glib charm to plausibly dismiss any suggestion that she herself may be responsible. However, a background check may reveal that this is not the first time she has had this happen to her.

Now when I took a look at the term professional victim when reading Played or Be Played by Tariq Nasheed I fit the bill to a tee. I always complain about things that I could control yet I refuse to take control of them. Initially, when I read this book I was in denial about who I truly was. I just thought men were doing me dirty without rhyme or reason. Now that my mind is receptive to his teaching I can admit that I am a professional victim. The truth shall set me free and sting like hell. Now that I am aware of the fact that I am indeed an attention freak I will take the necessary steps to correct that. Hence, no dating until I get my stuff together. When it is all said and done I want to feel and conduct myself as a queen. Though old habits die hard, with hard work they do die.

A queen doesn’t have to try and get attention from other to self-validate her self-worth, because a queen already knows she’s the shit. And when you are the shit, you can adapt and relate to anyone in any environment (p. 34). Now we move on to

Tip #2 on how women can have game:

Try to smile as much as you can. It just puts you and everyone around you at ease. It makes you more approachable in social settings.

Are you a professional victim? Men have you dated a professional victim? Share your thoughts below.

Daddy Issues and the Alpha Male

Are Daddy issues standing between you and your Alpha male? Do you want a man to possess the qualities and attributes Daddy lacked? First, let me begin by saying that Alpha should be your MAN, not a replacement Daddy. Second, your father’s lack of reputable qualities should not have anything to do with your dating choices.

Today when reading “Played or Be Played” I realize my type of man is the Alpha male. The almighty powerful, knowledgeable, and strong man. The kind of man strong enough to handle me. I am not the kind of woman for the faint of heart. I have emotions that overwhelm me at times and I desire a strong emotional support system. Not some weakling who will crack under pressure. When I told a friend I love an Alpha man and he is a leader and I like a man to take the wheel he called me out on my Daddy issues. Granted I have loads of them but refuse to allow it to take me out of the running for acquiring what I so richly desire. Though I am not ready for him yet I have him in my sights forsaken all others. It is because of this tunnel vision no other man stands a chance.

But I wonder does my battle with Daddy issues mean my inevitable doom with the Alpha male. The man who was supposed to make and mold me let me welter away into existence. So the man I knew my father to be was a man I could not get to. It was almost as if he was an enigma. Even today as we are closer than ever I actively seek his approval and love. I do things out of a cry for attention and Daddy steps over me not the least bit phased by my tantrums. I don’t blame him for my issues as I know I must address them. My father’s reaction is one of logic not love. Love I must find in my nurturing mother. My father does not sugarcoat straight up without a chaser. His words are not for the light hearted.
He teaches me in adulthood that I cannot rely on him emotionally. Yet I look for a man to fill that void. How asinine is that?

My Daddy issues run deep and the Alpha male runs further away from me. I lack guidance and discipline. I am bad at being a self starter which allows you to fall by the wayside in life. Alpha male shall lead me and transform me into the woman I should be. What am I saying? No wonder the Alpha male does not want me I am no where near his game level. Thank goodness I took a dating hiatus when I did or I would have never been in the running for an Alpha male. I have bred insecurity, self-loathing, low self-esteem and many more negative qualities for so long. I wanted attention no matter what the cost. The Alpha male will not tolerate that in any form. He wants and deserves a queen.

If you want an Alpha male you have to not only get his attention it is your skills that he can appreciate that will keep him in tune to your channel. No ladies this is not about hanging from chandeliers. It is about being a queen. One who is respected and appreciate by the Alpha male. Like a queen I believe in Tip #1 on how to have game. I take full responsibility for my actions and decisions. I decided to settle for what I can get instead of what I really want. The Alpha male.

Are your Daddy issues standing in the way of your true love? Alpha males do women with Daddy issues turn you off? Share your thoughts below.

Play or Be Played

Are you going to play or be played? While on dating hiatus I have decided to catch up on some necessary reading. There was an author I came across years ago that I detested for a long time. I vilified him for his book “The Art of Mackin”. I felt like how he can write a book teaching men how to play us. I mean the person I was dating at the time was reading this book and using the tips on me. One of which I really liked. I digress that is a blog for another day. So I was not fond of Mr. Tariq I hate when men play games and he is the king of games. Despite the fact I outwardly despised “The Art of Mackin” I was inwardly intrigued by it. This book challenged me I read it but it confused me because it was not meant for me I need something meant for me. Later, I discovered he wrote the book “Play or Be Played: What every female should know about men, dating, and relationships”. Initially, when I tried to read this book I was still confused. I wanted to get back at men and this would help me do it. Needless, to say I was unsuccessful and miserable once again.

Now that I am focusing on me it is a perfect time as any to read it. I can be receptive and I realize I have to have it together before I can meet my Renaissance man. So I am ending the “Sex-less in the City” series and now starting my review of “Play or Be Played”. So ladies get out your notebooks and be prepared to step your game up. I am going to touch on the imperative parts essential to our growth as queens. To have a king (Alpha Male) you must be a queen (Alpha Female). In this series we will focus on what we are willing to bring to the table when we ask for a quality man. Ladies in order to have a quality man you must possess qualifications and credentials. Erroneously, we have believed credentials equal potential. Everyone has potential; it is what you do with it that will give you sustenance.

Ladies often we think we know how to please a man. We know all the tricks of the trade so why are we still missing the mark. If men are such simple creatures and we believe them to be why is it so complex to please them? Let that marinate for a minute. If you are offended it is because you don’t really care about what it takes to please a man. You are solely focus on you. I am going to be brash with you because sugar-coating only pacified the problem without any real solution in sight. Men want you to feed them, and supply them with the cookie. We have to learn to be selfless ladies if we want to achieve happiness in the dating world. 

Now we will explore further what men want. When a man meets a woman she goes into one of two categories, potential mate or potential sex partner. Which one are you? For a long time I have been a really fun partner. I am so bored with that role. It is time to step up into the potential mate category. It is more about focusing on you and improving your game. Game in fact affects every aspect of your life. What is the sense in having you together everywhere but fall flat in the dating world? These lessons go across the board.  I finally realized if I get my shit together in every aspect of my life then it will carry over into intricate parts like dating, finances, spirituality, and the list goes on. 

Ready to woman up! I am.

What a man wants varies based on qualities and characteristics, both men and women have a common thread. A man has two types of needs a primal need and a social need. His primal need is an orgasm. His social need is power through leadership. He wants to be his own man. The two needs depending on his level of game weigh their importance of one over the other. A disciplined man seeks out power, a scrub settles for an orgasm.

Just because his primal need is an orgasm; does not mean the cookie has an exuberant value system. Keep in mind Play or Be Played rule number one: A man does not have to like you to sleep with you. It would be nice though.

Good rule to keep in mind especially when you are caught up in the sex partner category. In case you are wondering you end up in the category because obviously you value attention more than appreciation but we will get to that topic later. Remember ladies you have to be the Alpha Female to get the Alpha Male.

Are you tired of being played? Is it time for you to step your game up? Share your thoughts below.

Has love lo…

 

 

Has love lost its luster? As I am listening to Tamia’s “Falling for You” I wonder if I could ever fall in love again. This last time I thought it was going be love. When I found out it wasn’t I was devastated. He measured up to everything the man for me encompasses yet it did not work. Was what we had a beautiful mistake? I have been in love more than once but the last time I was in love it broke me the most. As I reminiscence I tear up. For the first time I realized I could look to someone one else for emotional, spiritual, and physical support. He was there for me and cared for my daughter as if she were his own. It was so unexpected and caught me completely off guard.

 

Let me tell you our story the saga of “Remnants of a Broken Heart”. He and I met when I was waiting for a bus to drop off my daughter and he pulled up loud and obnoxious blocking traffic with his truck in the way of the turning lane. He beckoned me to come here so disgusted I look at my friend and was like I think he is talking to you. But he was not talking to her he wanted me to come hither. I did and immediately informed him he was blocking traffic and he retorted they could go around. Initially, I wasn’t feeling him arrogant and obnoxious definitely not my type. He asked for my number I gave it to him despite my initial reservations. I guess in some sadistic way I was hurting for more of him. We went out later that week I think a Saturday. Well it wasn’t really a date we went to his house watched Karate movies and talked. As time drew on we talked and really connected on a whole other level. Despite his cocky ways he was really sweet and romantic as well as selfless. He would do anything for my daughter and that spoke volumes. I fell for him so hard. There was nothing to break my fall.

 

He did not celebrate holidays yet whenever a holiday would come around he would remember me. I thought that was such a nice touch. I was so into him. I mean really into him our love is when I discovered what intimacy was and how beautiful vulnerability can be. With him there were no inhibitions they ceased to exist in my mind. Yet, when that love ended I took it much harder than I ever had. I believe I never would recover. It was that bad. I had to pull myself together and move on. I had to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and it seems they are still scattered here and there. He and I still speak occasionally. He is doing well. I am happy for him in spite of all the years and tears we shared. That man was a real man. He never lied to me and was upfront about everything. Sometimes his honesty came off as disheartening I was never in the dark about what we shared. I knew full and well we were just having fun so how did it get so serious. How did the feelings deepen so quickly?

 

It snuck up on me out of nowhere. Since him there have been others that have come close but they still pale in comparison to the man he was. I just wonder if I could ever be that vulnerable and safe with someone every again. I have come close but no cigar. I want to say I refuse to give up on love but that would be BS. I hate lying especially to myself. Love has definitely lost its luster for me. I am terrified of loving someone so much. Not because I am incapable just that I feel unsure my heart can take another hit. I wanted to end it all because love betrayed me never to love again.

 

There is someone in my life that truly, madly, deeply loves me (you see the Savage Garden fan in me) flaws and all. For years he has been there for my daughter and they have never met. Christmas he goes out his way to buy her a gift. I know with him my heart would be safe but I am scared to love and trust that hard. For six years he has patiently waited to meet my baby girl and be the leading man in my life. I feel like this hiatus will enable me to be a better woman. I do not feel he deserves a disheveled woman right now. He deserves for us to be equally yoked. He is too great a man to have a jacked up woman. He has been more than patient and I pray I am worth the wait.

 

So as I get myself together I pray loves find me in the end. I pray I give love a chance despite all the pain I have indulged most of it self-inflicted for dating men who were emotionally unavailable. I subjected myself to this pain. Now only I can heal my wounds. I deserve it.

 

Have you lost your faith in love? What would help renew it? Share your thoughts below.