The Big Letter

Who is your Mr. Big? Who is your Mr. Big? Carrie’s dating plight made me realize I needed to write through my own dating woes. I figured writing would help me take a better approach on dating. I am so tired of all this disaster dating as I like to call it. Like Carrie I have dated quite a few characters but none of them stood out to me more than my Mr. Big. I decided to write my Mr. Big for here goes:

Dear Big,

It has been four years since we have seen or heard from one another. I see you have a blog and it is doing well I am so proud of you. I always knew you were destined for greatness. Being with you taught me a lot about me I learned everything I wanted in a man started when we first met on that bus stop in 2002. The man you were is the man I need in my life right now. You challenged me mentally. You observed my thirst for learning and challenged me to expound on that. You were supportive and motivated me beyond what I thought my capabilities were. I cannot say we were compatible because I cannot honestly say I was your match. Yet you were definitely my match constantly keeping me on my toes. At the time I was with you I was in a place where I did not really love myself and so I felt at times unworthy of your love. I was naïve about a lot of things. I did not full grasp what you were trying to teach me about myself.

Baby I still love you. I still care for you even when I reflect back to feeling like you were selfish because you would not give me a commitment. You wanted me to change the woman I was at the time into the woman I am now. I was not ready to make that change at that time. I had to grow and learn to develop into the woman I am today. One night emotions took over me and I finally unleashed on you. That night my emotions were too intense. I was on the brink of a breakdown. The dam finally broke the flood of emotions terrified me. It was that night that our saga ended.

Tears well up when I think about my missed opportunity I have never met someone who could uplift my mind, body and soul imultaneously. Big you are bigger than big your light shines boldly across a moonlight night. I miss you Big, miss how you cared for my daughter as if she were your own. Sorry Big that I ever doubted your love for me. Sorry I put another before you who paled in comparison.

Daily I pray God will send me an angel like you again. I pray that I get another chance at an amazing man. I just wanted to say you will always have a special place in my heart and I always wanted to be crowned your Queen of Sanity. I must digress because I know that there is a beauty that now holds that title. I have moved on and pray for your continued happiness. Love you always and forever.

Who you chose to deal with is a reflection of where you are or in some cases where you need to be. Big and I were not compatible because both of us were in different places. I was young still trying to find my way in life and discover who I was and where I wanted to be. He was already established and constantly seeking more and expected more out of his mate and that is why he never made me his girl. I was not where he thought his girl should be. I do not think this means he did not love me, he cared for me deeply but he wanted me to grow and at that point in my life I was not ready. I was like a teenager rebellious and unwillingly to change my wayward ways.

Sometimes I look back to that point in my life and it is often met with bittersweet fondness. I feel blessed for having met him and the impact he made in my life. He taught me what my man should be. What I should expect from him and what he should expect from me? He taught me how to learn to love the beauty that is me. Most of all he taught me that I am worthy of love but most of that love should come from within.


3 thoughts on “The Big Letter

  1. This saying rings true in this situation. “You don’t know what ya got til it’s gone.” A lesson we learn the hard way.

    Great post…honesty at it’s finest!!

  2. I had to roll up after this one… WOW

    Why pray for an angel when you can BE the angel?

    P.S. – Time is an illusion. There is no past… no future… only NOW

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