DWI: Dating while Insecure
Are you an insecure dater? Are you painfully insecure about your looks and body type? Lately, I have been looking back at old pictures of me when I was skinny. Back then I was confident, secure, and even a little cocky at certain moments. I was a Teflon Diva nothing you could say stuck to me. I would wear certain things without a conscious sometimes. My little pom-pom shorts and skirts that had them looking at my legs for days.
What happened to the pretty girl I used to be? She was confident in herself and truly loved who she was. Frankly, I put on weight and I do not feel as sexy as I used to. Lately, I feel unpretty I know it is sad and have become painfully insecure. When I wear something I am watching for my rolls trapping my body in girdles. Hiding everything I have so I can fit in.
When a guy approaches me that I find attractive self-doubt entrances me and leaves me wondering if I am worthy of him. I never question whether he is worthy of me. Back in the day I would not think twice I would think we both lucked up. Now don’t get me wrong insecurity has followed me all the days of my life. I was teased as a child because I did not look the part. I was awkward skinny, with glasses, and dressed different then everyone else. So me ever thinking I was pretty was nothing short of a miracle. At that point in my life in those pictures I was a new Mommy with a new Mommy glow. Once I became a mother being ugly was no longer an option.
Dating was so easy for me I would kiss and dismiss a man so quick I was not taking any bullshit. Why should I have to? I wish I could get that back now when I am out on a date I am telling too much and wondering why I don’t get asked out on a second date. Or, I will jump the gun and get pushed into the friend zone and have a friend with benefits situation where my needs get denied. It is like now that I have gained weight I started settling for being a FWB (friend with benefits). I am tired of it. Plain sick of it and don’t get me started on sex. I feel like a whale climbing a tree sometimes. I have even lowered my dating standards. I gained weight and lost me.
I want to lose weight not necessarily to be skinny again but just so I get that sexy girl back. The girl who didn’t think twice about what a guy thought. He just better hope he gets a call back. I have a stone of confidence with a picture of me behind it when I was much smaller. I miss her so much. I have contemplated taking the picture down. It can be rather depressing. Yet some days it is a motivator for me. I will lose weight but it will be on my terms. It will be because I want to feel good about myself again. As I write this tears fall because it cuts just that deep for me. I want to learn to love again. The person I want to love is me. I keep saying the woman I want my daughter to be I have to be.
Too many of us are cloaked in insecurity. It has become a security blanket for us. Oh I will take this shit off of him because look at me I cannot do any better than him. True story I met a guy back when I was skinny and we date carefree no questions we hooked up when I wanted to and that was that. I wouldn’t take any shit off of him. One day before sex he said to me you are gaining weight you need to workout. I was floored and in complete disbelief did he just call me fat. After a while I became self-conscious and hated being naked around him hid the mirrors during sex just so I wouldn’t have to look at me anymore. My body was no longer beautiful; the masterpiece lost its luster.
Now I don’t want your sympathy but I do want to know when you gain pounds do you lose you. I was to be re-introduced to that sexier side of me. I love who she is I want to be her again. Confidence is something I long for; I want it to be where you can tell me nothing. Are you feeling like you gained weight and lost your sex appeal speak on it? Men do you mind a little weight or does the sexiness go out the window when the pounds come on?
Speak on it. Leave your comments below.