If I Were Pregnant…

If I were pregnant I would have mixed feelings. I have a nine year old and I struggle raising her. I make so many sacrifices for this little person who is the most important person in my life. Do I have the capability to love another? Am I emotionally and financially capable of caring for two?

Lord knows I want a son. I thought I was having a boy when I was carrying my daughter. I named him Ahmad and I would read to “him” all the time. I want to have another one before it is too late. The older you get the more complications there could be. Prayerfully I will be with child in the next five years. Of course I am hoping for a son and a good man to come with it. God did not mean for one person to do it all. That is another reason I am terrified of the thought of having another one. My daughter’s father anxiously anticipated her arrival and was adamant I was having his first born baby girl. I was so scared I had no mothering skills and I thought labor and delivery would kill me.

Yet I breezed through labor and delivery with a few crazy moments. Motherhood is not easy but I have embraced my role. Good, bad, and indifferent I am in it for the long haul. Some days I wonder if I could handle my job as a Mom making key decisions on my own without the help of her father. I am petrified of making the wrong choice for my baby for every choice I make greatly impacts her.

Right now I cannot become pregnant because I am not emotionally and financially ready to take on another child. Although I hate needles the shot is for me until I am full prepared to welcome another angel in my life. As a mother you give a lot of yourself but what you get in return is so much greater than you ever expected. Growing up I never envisioned getting married let alone having any children. Well I have the mother role for now and I am constantly molding myself into a beautiful work of art. Wife will come when God wants to bestow me that title.

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