Misery Loves Company

Is singlehood a miserable place? Is single synonymous with misery? A lot of my girlfriends are married or otherwise engaged. I have been single for five years and at this point in my life I am content with being single. I will admit for the first part of the five years I threw myself into school and focused solely on my education.


But once I withdrew from school to job scheduling conflicts I started to wallow in my own misery and long for a companion but not in a healthy way. I felt like I needed someone badly more than I need my sanity. So I immersed my self in to several long-term non-committed relationships. Gave years and tears here and there to various men. I basically auctioned off my mind, body, and soul to the highest bidder. Misery and I made strange bedfellows. For the fact was I was giving my love away and hurting inside because I did not love me enough to say I deserved better than to be bench. I was the MVP of the non-committed Hall of Fame.


I remember I was dealing with someone who had a baby on me and did not tell me for three years. I gave this man so much of me and he trampled all over it. If I was in dire straits he would nonchalantly walk away. See because giving up the cookie doesn’t mean you will get shit in return. On from him I dated a much older man who matched me intellectually yet he lack sensitivity. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he came to my apartment and I was getting dressed ready to go out the door yet he stopped me demanding sex. I refused I was on a time constraint and besides my daughter was wide awake in the next room. It just wasn’t the right time well he was adamant we were going to have sex. So much so he forced me to the bed and started choking me. I became scared and started screaming my daughter charged in and began hitting him about the head. I was so upset and so was she. Another trauma etched in her memory bank. My only fault in the situation was lying to her I told her we were just playing around and he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He even promised her a toy.


Too many times I have chosen to settle and each time it costs my daughter and I every time. I have to stop being so selfish with my love. I need to be selfless with myself. Stop being content with being sidelined. Contention has become the institution for where I am imprisoned. So singlehood for most of my five years of liberation has been miserable. It has been because I have not been focused on my star player. Me.


Misery will find you if you are not careful. Look at singlehood as a chance to connect with who you are and focus on what it is that you want out of life. The focal point should always be you and your happiness. Do not allow your comfort zone to become your prison.


For years I was content with being the chic on the side. Never making a move to advocate for myself and fight for the number one spot. I was often a punk sitting back playing the passive-aggressive role. For the first life the issues I am dealing with have nothing to do with any man. I am not stressed over whether or not I am good enough. I keep reminding myself I am working on me, myself, and  I.


Having you ever been single and miserable? Have you ever felt like singlehood was your pit of despair? Share your thoughts below.



3 thoughts on “Misery Loves Company

  1. Good Morning Sweet Nectar:

    I was put on to your blog from the recent issue of Trenton N.E.W.S. – I found your article (The Friend Zone) at first hilarious, yet true in some ways. It actually bore creedence to your blog entry I’m replying to.

    Of course I don’t know you personally, but in some ways I can relate to your position on singlehood. I, myself am a single man who hasn’t had a relationship in three years.I was married for thirteen years and afterwards found it difficult as to who I chose to give my heart to. I live in the city, and have found that finding a suitable mate is an incredibly involved, incredibly difficult and incredibly frustrating search due standards that I require. I’ve given up to a certain extent and have essentially left it up to the man upstairs to send someone to me. At this point in my life – I’m 38 by the way – I no longer feel that I have to “court” to find a mate. Why? Because I’ve come to realize I’m the prize – I’m a young, handsome, intelligent, single, heterosexual (had to throw that in there, just in case), working, articulate, black male. I’m a consumate gentleman who’s actually falls under the category of what you consider a “friend”. I’m hardly boring, but I’m nice only because that accentuates my gentlemanship (I was raised right). Yet, I walk the fine line from the boardroom straight to the boulevard. I’ve learned to accept being single for the time being not only to “work on myself” as you put it, but because I also feel good things come to those who wait – I know soon I’ll be rewarded for my patience. Excercise that virtue and maybe you yourself will reap the benefits. Embrace your independence for the time being; a man knows he’s loved by a woman by the way she loves herself.

    I enjoyed your blog despite the typo’s (stuff happens, I know), and look forward to future entries. Good luck in all that you do…

    Happy New Year “FRIEND”,


    • Thank you for your comment. I need to work on me right now. Five years ago I was in a relationship where I settled. I refuse to settle for what I can get versus what I want. It is all about quality. Both him and I must be worthy candidates. Half stepping and settling is not an option either of us can take.
      Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

      • Your quite welcome. I re-read your post from a different persective – just because your single doesn’t neccesarily allow for you to be miserable. Realtionships aren’t for everybody who aren’t prepared to deal with reprecussions of thier mates actions and ways. It’s a two way street; compromise and sacrifice are the key as far as I’m concerned. Noone’s perfect – that alone is paramount to coming to mutual understanding of another’s feelings. I read some of your previous posts and I must say I’m impressed by your prose. Your very analytical and I applaud your openess.

        I will say this: I realize who you are and from seeing you in public, I would not have thought you were as profound as you are. With that being said, keep up the good work.

        And good luck in your pursuit of happiness.


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