Weight has never been a problem for me until now. I was 150 and a size 9 for the longest. Granted I have always been top heavy and small in the waist. Now my waist line is stretching like the legging that have become my friends. Size 9 seems eons ago.
When I was smaller I was content and less self conscious. I felt sexy all the time then I met a guy who would change my whole perception on how I look. He told me I was too skinny. Too skinny how dare he. He told me if I wanted to be thicker I needed to gain weight. That hit me hard I always secretly struggled with the fact I did not feel like a real black woman because I was skinny. Alleged friends would taunt and tease me about being skinny. Saying I could never be that skinny. Or, reminded me how I had no ass. Just take away my femininity. Sheesh I am still a woman.
All of this got into my misguided head I have always struggled with my sense of self. All wanted to be accepted and loved by all. So I put on weight cause I wanted to be sexier a real black girl. I chewed my weigh now into a size 16 and 207 lbs. Woe is me! You know what people say to me when I reveal my size and weight they say girl you don’t look it.
I am fat and miserable. I used to go into plus size stores for tops and bras now I go for my whole wardrobe. I can handle a size 16 just not the extra baggage that comes with it. My tummy is a blubbering mess. I hate what I have become. I let myself go to be sexy and now I feel hideous. I hate trying on clothes now what’s the point I hate looking at my body.
My sex drive has plummeted. Thank goodness I am single so I don’t have to really be bothered. I have laid off of that too. Just don’t love it like I used too. I don’t feel sexy anymore. I got into a boy short and matching bra I felt a twinge of sexiness until I got to the long mirror then I felt like a pink glob.
Now the question is what am I going to do about it. I am going to do Weight Watchers my goal is to lose 50 lbs. Time to get serious about my weight. I want to be healthy I am 5’3 I can only put on so much weight at my height without tipping over. Do you struggle with your weight and feeling sexy? Share your thoughts below.