Deadly Weapon

After high school a friend decided I need to be made over to look more like a girl. For most of my high school career I unsuccessfully managed to hide my ever blossoming body. Mother Nature was the enemy. So this friend decided I need a new look. She took me to the store and brought clothes that were form fitting. Out popped my boobs and my booty. Then we went to the salon for my hair. When I saw the complete package I wanted to take cover.

Who was this girl staring back at me? Well that day she took me with her to go and see her boyfriend in lock up. I did not want to go but she didn’t want to ride alone. It was at that prison I got stung with sexy. It bit me and man did it hurt. What was all this attention all of a sudden? Men were banging on the glass I was scared hoping the guard there could protect me from sexy.

Over the years I have become more comfortable with my voluptous frame. But not confident, especially in dresses always been self conscious of my thighs and legs. Sexy is not my strong suit by any means. When I am home alone wearing something cute I feel a twinge of it. But when I step outside that dissipates. I long for the day when I can wear sexy proudly. Right now she is ill fitting on me.

I just wish I could exude confidence and sexiness. I am not saying I feel hideous but I don’t feel beautiful either. Today I was dancing in the mirror singing my heart out feeling myself and the skin I am in. Then, I got sad cause I don’t allow that side to show often. I am so afraid of confidence because I confuse it with conceit.

I feel like when I am confident I am a fraud. I berate and scold me for feeling myself. I sing Pretty Girl Rock in secret mainly the part don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful. I wish I could sing that aloud. I crush myself with insecurity. How can I raise a strong Black woman when I am not one.

So I ask you are you scared of being sexy? Can you take the heat from the spotlight that shines on you? Share your thoughts below.

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3 thoughts on “Deadly Weapon

  1. Wow! That is some post. I really enjoyed it. I hope that one day you will accept your sexy and beauty for what it is, without viewing it as conceit. To be happy in your own skin isn’t conceit…it’s confidence. Just look at yourself in the mirror each day and say ‘I’m beautiful’. The more you say it, the more you will realize how true it is. Soon it will become natural for you to be the real you…inside and outside. Once again great post.

  2. I really do not have trouble with my SEXY!!! Of course negative attention because of sex appeal is uncomfortable, but a woman must embrace that we are sexy creatures! Confidence is the key. Sometimes confidence can be taught of it is instilled at a young age, but I know woman who were always told they were beautiful or special from there mothers and fathers and they still don’t have good self esteem. I don’t get it! But I wish you luck with fully understanding yourself and not being afraid of your self.

  3. Your post was raw and honest which is what I loved most. As an an adolescent I experienced the same feelings but as I grew into my “sexy” my confidence level somehow increased inside and out.I began to learn n love myself. I’ve learned that we can either be our worst enemy or biggest fan

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