Are you holding on to old hurt? Last night I was at GPS Cafe International and I was moved by a poet named Starski. He was a feature for the night. His piece about what he doesn’t like about poets simply put moved me although that is putting it mildly. He sad do not allow the customer to pay good money only to hear you whine and cry tears of yesterday. It is time to move on from that and grow.
As I am sitting in my chair I am sitting there wondering what piece I will do now. There is a poem that marinates in my heart. A poem I have held onto from days long ago. A poem that brings me to tears everytime I do it. The audience feels my pain and they cry too. Here is that poem:
You ain’t got no alibi
Used to hear that word so much I used to think it was my first name
Looked that word up in the dictionary and I would have sworn there was a picture of me there
Look at me
Take a good look
You think by looking at me you know
You don’t know me
You don’t know my struggle
It was UGLY
Looking in the mirror is pointless
When I know the horror staring back at me
I just want to break it and slam all the hurt away
Could not even walk down my block
My name UGLY would ring out like a fire alarm
Juice containers being thrown my way along with that nasty name
That one word has always conjured up so much pain and trauma for me
Confidence was stolen from me how could I believe in me
Pretty those were my sisters my friends, not me
Always the ugly duckling never shed that awful cloak
It is devastating when those closest to you believe UGLY is your name
Fighting to take back the power that name took away
You pity me but secretly your are elated you don’t look like me
Let me tell you something
This creamy caramel skin, almond eyes, and sweet smile are BEAUTIFUL
Finally I said it and I mean it
Don’t pity me hell I pity you
Wanting me to stay down in the pit of despair
You don’t love me
I don’t need you anymore
Beauty is now synonymous with me
My daughter gave me back my beauty
Daily I look at her and smile
Fighting back tears she is stronger than me
She is beautiful and she knows it
Reminding her she is beautiful just the way she is
Compassion trumps ignorance.
Time to let the past go. I used to be known as ugly but for hear on out I am beautiful. I have grown comfortable in cute, yet I am trying on sexy and it tends to sag because my confidence is weak. I have decided I will let go. I will release those who once suffocated me with that word ugly. I am untie the noose and stepping down. It kills me everytime I do that poem. I do it because it evokes emotion and proves my worth as a poet. The pain just pours out of me my struggle seems to validate my worth as a poet.
I have to let go. I am deep and I am good simply because I said so. Furthermore, ugly is no longer with me I buried him a long time ago strange bedfellows yet I resurrect him every time I do that poem. I am done. I am cute I will no longer accept ugliness. I am just too cute for that.
Do you have a demon you are holding onto from your past? Are you afraid to release it from your life? Share your thoughts below.