Commitment Terrifies Me

Are you a woman that is afraid of commitment? I posted this question FB and most of my responses came from males. It made me wonder am I exception among my female counterparts? Am I the only woman on Earth terrified of commitment? Well I guess after this post we all shall see.

Whenever the word commitment arises I go in panic mode. Butterflies form in my tummy and my mind races, am I ready to give up living the single life? Who is ever really ready to turn in their single card? You feel liberated in singlehood no one to answer to or clear anything with you come and go as you please. I feel commitment stifles all that when he puts the leash on you. I do not want to be house broken. I like to think I cannot be tamed. I guess my real fear is if he really got to know me he wouldn’t be able to truly accept me flaws and all. I can be a handful and I have not found a man yet that can handle me and my multi-faceted self.

Whenever I have entered a relationship he always wants to tame me and change my wayward ways. I know your thinking an open relationship is a viable option but for all that I would rather remain single. Often I say I have been single for six years, been dating unsuccessfully and am quite frankly fed up. I, unfortunately, am an all or nothing kind of girl. I know what and who I want and refuse to settle for anything less. Yet, I keep running into those who want me but I don’t want them. I am scared of getting in a relationship just because he wants me. I do not want a man for the sake of saying I have a man. I have done that in the past. Settling carries a heavy price.

Rules are not meant to be broken. If the exception was always the case what would be the point in creating rules for ourselves. Settling is not an option. Now I am at a crossroads someone presented the idea of commitment to me and as much as I want to oblige him I cannot help but wonder is it infatuation or desperation? Do I even like you? Or am I tired of being alone? These are the questions I asked myself when he brought up a relationship. I am not half the girl I used to be. I was willing to settle then. Now I took off that bargaining chip.

I want to take my time and really connect before seriously getting involved. I have a tendency of saying yes and then backing out at the last minute breaking up over trivial things and often I am left to wonder why my relationships do not have a lasting lifespan. They are always short-lived and end horribly. I tend to immerse myself in him and wind up losing myself. I want to explore my dreams and ambitions freely without having to think about how I am neglecting him. I want to be selfish for once and focus on me. I want him to come to my open mic performances and not wonder who my poems are about and when I wrote them. I just want him to support my craft.

Commitment terrifies me. How can I commit to you when I cannot even commit to things for me? I need to commit to my writing, whether it is my blog or my open mic performances. I need to delve deep in consistency. Just float in the essence of motivation and flow freely. Commitment terrifies me to give of myself with raw and unconditional love and trust. How can I trust you when I don’t even trust myself around you? One false move could shatter your facade of me.

In relationships I often feel I have to hide my true self. For when I have let down my guard I have gotten hurt. I push him away for fear one day he will reject me and not want to love me anymore. Sometimes I even think he gives me too much credit for more often than not I am the epitome of imperfection. Often he places me on a pedestal as his good girl. In which case I am expected to be a woman of virtue yet I am a woman riddled with flaws that often pierce his heart and make him long to be without me. Maybe it is self-loathing but I do not think  any man aside for God himself can love me for me. I say this because I do not accept me and all my flaws.

I need to show commitment to me first. I need to put this woman first. I know that resonates with all the ladies and even gentleman who fear commitment too. Love begins and ends with you. I want to fill fulfilled alone before I open my heart to someone else. Consistently, commiting to me will enable me to commit to someone else. It is not that I do not want love in my life. It is just that it has  to be pure without resentment.

Ladies are you afraid of commitment? Does the question, would you be my girl cover you in fear? Share your thoughts below.

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2 thoughts on “Commitment Terrifies Me

  1. Hey Loverzquarrel! I feel you on so many of these points. Like you I am a free-spirited and artistic woman, who hates the idea of being controlled. And I also tend to lose myself in love, which I come to learn is not necessarily a bad thing at all. It’s not a negative thing because it shows that you have one of the main ingredients for love- passion. Without it, love ceases to grow.
    But know that you can have a successful relationship and do exactly what it is you love to do which is in your case performing and writing.
    I think that because you may be hyper sensitive to your flaws at the moment, in other words you’re getting in your own way.
    I did a case study last year on my blog surrounding boundaries and the law of attraction…i may do it again.
    But basically people feel safe when they have boundaries, when they don’t have boundaries they put up walls which can shut us out to the possibilities of forming healthy relationships w anyone.
    My suggestion would be to first figure out your boundaries..i.e i will not accept controlling behavior, i will not accept a relationship with a person who takes it things too fast, i will not accept a relationship with someone who is not respectful of my commitment to the arts…and i mean it can go on and on.
    But I found when I did that, i got a more clear picture of what i need in a relationship. That’s not to say that things are perfect and i have hit it off with every guy who has come into my experience, but it helps us become more grounded and stronger in ourselves. Ok I think this has become way too long of a comment! Great post and I’llllll be back!!

    • I am just scared. I am scared of losing me in him. I put his needs before mine. Right now I need my writing it is my love my baby. I will do whatever it takes for my writing. Loved ones don’t understand how will he. I want to be selfish right now.
      Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

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