Can’t Trust Myself

Ever have that one you could not trust yourself around? That one person that makes you feel invincible and vulnerable at the same time. Vulnerability scares me for it means letting down my guard with no defenses up. That is some scary stuff. I have met a few people like that. It scared me at first but after a while it felt so right. What happens when you meet someone new and he makes you feel like you want to do any and everything when in his presence. All your rules go out the window and you are a rebel fighting for the cause of love.

As I mentioned I felt this way before. When I love I love hard. A man came into my life and made me feel this very way. All my rules were broken from the first date. I did not trust myself around him for I knew there were no boundaries between him and I. Although we had love it couldn’t keep us together. I am not saying breaking the rules is all bad but you have to set healthy boundaries. Our relationship knew no bounds. I love being in love with him for he made me so happy but it also saddened me when it did end. That is why I am so terrified of commiting to someone and letting go truly embracing vulnerability.

It is not that I do not want love again it is just heartbreak is hard to recover from. The thought of meeting someone new kind of shakes me to the core. To a certain extent I have to let him in my heart has tightened and it is hard to penetrate. It is difficult to love with a guard up but the wounds take longer to heal when the essence of you is left bare and not ready for defending.  I have been dating and it has been interesting but I met someone by chance and he scares me.

I am getting those feelings of I don’t trust myself around him could this be love or infatuation. I marvel at how he makes me feel so attentive and sensitive to my needs. Yet somehow I feel it is all a ploy on his part to reel me in. Or is it? I don’t know but I know I cannot allow my past to dictate my future. So for now I am just taking it easy especially since I swore off dating this came out of left field. I am praying on the situation I don’t know if he is the one but I don’t know that he is not. He came in an unexpected package but does love ever come the way you expect it too.

Onward and upward is how it goes from now on. Whether this works out or not at least I gave it an open-minded shot. And maybe I don’t trust myself because I know this could be love again. I am so shook from heartbreak that I will not allow love back into my life. He tells me all the time how my passion and ambition turn him on. Funny those are the things that turn me on about a man so hearing that seems so odd. I keep over-analyzing things when I just need to allow the cards to fall as they may.

It is my old pattern and I need to quit and just let it be what it is going to be. Have you ever met someone that you couldn’t trust yourself around? Did you stay or leave and why? Share your thoughts below.

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2 thoughts on “Can’t Trust Myself

  1. Anyone that I am physically attracted to and talk to easily is a threat to me. I have a flirty friend who’s boyfriend is a really nice guy. She has picked up a pound or too (according to the boyfriend) but given the opportunity I’m not sure I would do the right thing. I make sure to NEVER be alone or in a conversation with this lil ball of flirty curves by myself.

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