Do you struggle with vanity issues? You’re so vain you probably think this blog is about you. But it is not it is about ME! A few weeks ago in Sunday school the message was confess your sins. Well, after some time I had a chat with God and realized that there was one sin I could not ask for forgiveness for because I am still struggling with it and that is vanity. The definition of vanity is excessive pride in one’s appearance. Never would have I thought my name would be synonymous with being conceited until now. Reality sunk in and it is killing me.
I have always wanted to be pretty and fit in with everyone else. In adulthood, I would dress for everyone else but me without any real sense of style just following trends. I use fashion as a crutch that helps me be accepted by the general public. I hate being caught looking in the mirror because someone will always say girl you look fine. It is a bad habit looking in the mirror praying perfection stares back at me but she never does. I could say woe is me and when I was growing up I was the ugly duckling and told so on a daily basis. I could say even my close knit circle crowned me the ugly one long ago. I could say no one ever told me I was pretty as a child. I could say all of these things and so much more yet I know I must battle how I feel inside. I must accept myself just the way I am without any outside validation. I refuse to use this blog as a pity party for me or anyone else. It is time to evoke the power of letting go.
I will admit it is easier said than done. I am conceited without any rhyme or reason. I know by saying this I am opening the floor for people to say she ain’t cute. No offense but I have heard it all before or worse. The word ugly doesn’t sting as much as I used to. I have become accustomed to it in fact we are strange bedfellows. Granted I am not vain in the typical way where I think I am the hottest thing on the planet more I often feel like the ugliest. I am not saying this for pity just being honest. Often I judge pretty women and covet the looks they have another sin. I have a sister I wish I looked like because she is so beautiful and I envy her inner confidence. Her beautiful, chocolate skin and chinky eyes, I asked her years ago how did you know you were pretty? She said because she was always told so when she was younger. Often I look at myself in disgust next to her because I was told the complete opposite. Pause. Tears are falling. Uh-oh!
It is time to regroup. This post was not meant to be a tearjerker rather an eye opening piece. I want to combat this sin of obsession. People just don’t know it is ironic that now people think I am conceited because I take care to look a certain way. Yet I do not look at is negatively it may be that they see me right through me. Vulnerability is a scary place. As sensitive as I am I hate for my emotions to be raw and uncut for the world to see. Right now I am in that place I am protected as I write this but once I post it is destined for many interpretations. I guess if I could look in the mirror strong and proud and say I love you and you are beautiful. Those almond eyes, caramel skin, beautiful curly hair, inviting smile, and beautiful brain. You are worthy of love and a second glance. Stop putting so much emphasis on how you look to others. That is part of the reason I stripped myself of weave. I needed to reconnect with me. I know these posts are mainly relationship themed. But I felt I need to explain my hiatus and how I am on a journey within and now I am ready to open my heart to me. How I let go of a supportive man to face the world and myself alone? How I let him go because I was so consumed with him I lost my identity? I digress that is a topic for another day.
Beauty will be synonymous with me not because of force but by choice. I have chosen to accept I am fabulous just the way I am. The way God intended me to be. He made me smart and beautiful in my own right. He sent me my daughter to encourage me to find the greatest gift of all love within me. Each day I am learning more things about me and how I love me more let me count the ways.
Does vanity plague you? How do you combat it? Share your thoughts below.