My Secret Identity

Have you ever lost yourself in a man? Have you ever loved somebody so much you forgot who you were? Many times in relationships we give so much to we, that we forget ourselves. We shower our mate with an outpouring of love and support. Nurturing all their ambitions and future endeavors that our wants and needs fall by the way side.

Case in point, recently I let go of someone who cared and supported me and my writing dream. I let him go because I was so consumed with being this great woman to him I was neglecting my dream. We gotten into it pretty heavy and stopped talking for a while during that time I stop writing and focusing on what drives me and makes me who I am. Writing is my sustenance yet I was malnourished and emaciated. The essence of me was deprived of ambition and drive. I was so consumed with him I stopped performing at open mic performances, my blog took a serious hit it was on life support and I was ready to pull the plug. When it got to that point I knew what I had to do. I had to leave him alone and walk away from dating altogether. I realized that a man who distracting me from my dream. It was as if he was a dominant force that enabled me to be co-dependent on him for validation. He never went to my open mic performances and I am not certain but I am sure he never read my column either. I was with him because he was so caring and so supportive.

I allowed myself to be with him because I throve off of the attention he showed me. No one else seemed to care about me or my writing that much.  No other man I should say. Yet when I was slipping he did not say anything until the day I called him to break it off. He is very domineering so I had to fight to keep control on the conversation being a little amateurish I refuse to allow him to break up with me first. Then, I realized in my childish ways what I really needed was closure. So I told him I was ending things because he had become a distraction for me. This relationship took me off my focus which should have been on me all along.

After that conversation I felt a sense of relief and very vulnerable. I did not have anyone in my ear or in my face. In the past I would have longed for a replacement. Instead I decided dating was no longer an option at this juncture in the road. I need to concentrate and love me.  So I cleaned house cleared out my phonebook of all our text messages, picture messages, voicemails, and of course his phone number.

I have grown. This journey in self-discovery is teaching me things about me daily I never knew.  Something’s make me smile and others make me cry. Yet, all of it is connecting me with what I really need. I can no longer use having a man to numb out the pain of insecurity, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Words haven’t killed me and neither will some alone time. With this awareness I have come to conclusion that the characteristics I want in my man must first be found in this woman…ME! I cannot say to you I am turned on by intellect when I am being foolish by settling for what I can get versus striving for what I really want. The reason why I haven’t been able to write a relationship blog is I am bogged down with working on me. That is all I can talk about right now. I share this journey with you anticipating it will benefit you. It will enable you to learn a lesson at my expense instead of making a costly mistake of your own. I am single again but I am not an angry single woman. In fact I am happier than I have ever been in a really long time.

I will not lie just because I am not dating does not mean I am not interested in anyone. There is someone in particular that piques my interest at this very moment. I have even prayed that if it is meant we will lock eyes at the end of my journey. If not then I will be content knowing he is out there for me somewhere. I am wise enough to know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing while expecting different results. I am taking a whole new approach on things.  I am dealing with myself one-on-one emotionally right now. I have to get my mind right. I am a mother and I have to lead by example. I have given so much power to others that my energy is depleted and I can barely save myself.

Each day as I trek down my newly constructed path I know that great things await me. Loneliness and desire are not far behind but I will combat them feverishly. I refuse to settle for someone when I am not ready just for the sake of saying I have a man. That is the story of my life.  I do not want to be the woman who needs a man, I want to be the woman a man needs.

Have you ever lost your identity in a relationship? Ever love someone more than your loved yourself? Share your thoughts below.

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