Do you love yourself? If you can sincerely reply yes to this question then kudos to you. I am sitting here trying to read a recent Essence article titled “Falling In Love With Me”. Sounds interesting right. So why am I being so rebellious and adamant about not reading it. The writer is single and loving it tired of looking for love beyond herself. When you love yourself then you will truly know how to love.
I guess it is time for a confession or two or three. First, I don’t love myself and I never have. Two, I purposely date unworthy men to take the focus off myself. If I can love them then maybe they can love me the way I should love myself. Three, I don’t truly understand what it means to love me.
The other day I heard “Greatest Love of All” on Pandora. I broke down just as I did years ago when my mother was rehearsing it for her nursing school graduation. I broke down for the same reasons I did back then because the greatest love of all is void in me. I detest when loved ones say “Neisha, you don’t love yourself.” I quickly retort back “what do you mean I don’t love myself?” I keep myself nice so I do care for me.
Yet I allow men to distract me from focusing on myself. I am adamant about the fact that love for myself takes a back burner to loving someone else. I can love you unconditionally flaws and all. But really I am afraid if you really knew me you couldn’t love me at all. How could I ask you when I cannot do the same?
I hate myself. I hate being alone. I hate focusing on me. I hate anything that pertains to me, myself, and I. Sure I love the song but in the end I have my daughter not me, myself, and I. I can barely look in the mirror at the image that is me. It is more than the exterior presence it is the overwhelming neglect of the interior. I allowed myself to be used and abused just for the sake of saying I am connected to someone. The truth is I am just not ready to love me.
It is so much work. Who am I? What makes me so interesting and lovable by me? I might just rip this damn article up. The title is too much to bear. I have a major headache contemplating reading it. Why do I have to love me? Why can’t I just pour my love into my child and maybe even a man? Why must it go to me?
Men are a natural affinity for me. Although, deep down I know no man is capable of loving me flaws and all because that is something I refuse to do for myself. I want so badly to be loved but I refuse to over it to myself. I would rather lose myself in someone else. How can I be the best when I don’t know how to take care of my best asset, ME?
What more incentive do I need to love me? Hello I am a mother who should lead by example. I pour all my love into my child which leads to little to none for me. I am very calculated I tell her she is beautiful often and praise her just as much. But do I extend that same courtesy to me? Nope!
I figure I will work on it some other time. It can wait but in all honesty it cannot. This self-hatred has to stop. This desire for validation from the outside is ridiculous. Today I will set some personal goals for myself. I will set three goals and three actions steps to follow up.
1. Embrace my inner beauty
-Look in the mirror daily and say one positive thing about me.
2. Put myself first.
-Contemplate how to make a decision that benefits me first and foremost.
3. Truly take a dating hiatus.
-Refuse any new numbers and delete unnecessary contacts.
I will start with number on today despite the fact it is by far the most difficult. I can envelope you in compliments but I suffocate myself with negativity. I told someone certain things about me to push them away. I cannot love myself so I do not deserve to be loved.
God loves me so why can’t I love me. He loves me flaws and all. Why can’t I adopt the same philosophy? How can I truly honor Him and hate me?
I will stop here and pick up tomorrow prayer fully I will have read the article. But let’s not hold our breaths.
How can someone who hates them self learn to love them self? Share your thoughts below.