I have taken a dating hiatus. Some days it feels as though it is the best decision I could have ever made. I am happy with just myself. A man has always been such a distraction for me. I forget all about me catering to his needs and wants. I take cater to you to a whole other level. In the process I lose myself which is why I am here on this path alone and content. Other days I feel lonely because I just want to be held and have him play in my hair and reassure me everything is ok. But then reality sinks in that this man does not exist in my life. There is no man to just hold me and rub my back or even my feet there are only long showers for that.
For the first time I am not feeling as though I need a man. For a long time I felt deep down I needed a man to complete me. I did not feel adequate without one. I often felt less than a woman. The sting of at least I have a man stung deep down. I wanted a man no matter what shape he was in. I particularly fancied men that were emotionally unavailable to men. They were my favorite delicacy. I would convince myself he was a challenge that I could later convince him that he loved me. When I did not even love myself I hated myself so much I was determined to throw myself into a man instead of into me. I did not want to face my own reflection let alone my emotional struggles. Pieces of me were slowly dissipated into this lonely, desperate mesh of a woman. I was so desperate settling for being a mere concubine. Gladly accepting second place knowing it was so uncomfortable for me. At the time I did not know I deserved better. Actually, I did not want better when a good man would come along and challenge me to know my worth I immediately dismissed him without so much as a kiss. With a good man I would cut off any intimate connection. Kissing was never allowed and I had so many rules ridiculous one at that to avoid intimacy altogether. I have learned that I need to have an intimate connection within before I can connect with someone else. I have to stop looking for outside validation the thing I thrived on. Attention really drove me crazy. I need his attention and affection to feel sustenance. I did not need love I fantasized about it toyed with the idea of it but I knew it did not exist. I would throw myself into meaningless “relationships”. Emotionally unavailable non-committed “relationships” worked for me. The lack of commitment motivated me to emotionally push myself work toward a real “relationship”. I would fool myself into thinking it would pan out to something greater. My latest bout with a “relationship” crushed me. This latest character decided he would be adamant about the fact he did not want a relationship. I kept pushing anyway then one day it hit me what are you doing? He does not want to make himself available to you let alone commit to me.
Reality has finally sunk in I do not need a man. It feels even better that I am convinced of this. I am not vying for anyone’s attention but my own. It took a long time to get here. I am not imagining anymore relationships. I have accepted me, myself, and I. I have given myself so much time and energy. My goals are being checked off my list of things to do. I am walking the walk and talking the talk. It feels so for so long I have been aware of my potential but never put it in to motion. I do not want to revert back to my old ways because it would be too great a cost to my progress. I have finally grasped the concept of getting out of my own way.
Do you need to take a dating hiatus? Are you scared to take that plunge? Share your thoughts below.