Has love lost its luster? As I am listening to Tamia’s “Falling for You” I wonder if I could ever fall in love again. This last time I thought it was going be love. When I found out it wasn’t I was devastated. He measured up to everything the man for me encompasses yet it did not work. Was what we had a beautiful mistake? I have been in love more than once but the last time I was in love it broke me the most. As I reminiscence I tear up. For the first time I realized I could look to someone one else for emotional, spiritual, and physical support. He was there for me and cared for my daughter as if she were his own. It was so unexpected and caught me completely off guard.
Let me tell you our story the saga of “Remnants of a Broken Heart”. He and I met when I was waiting for a bus to drop off my daughter and he pulled up loud and obnoxious blocking traffic with his truck in the way of the turning lane. He beckoned me to come here so disgusted I look at my friend and was like I think he is talking to you. But he was not talking to her he wanted me to come hither. I did and immediately informed him he was blocking traffic and he retorted they could go around. Initially, I wasn’t feeling him arrogant and obnoxious definitely not my type. He asked for my number I gave it to him despite my initial reservations. I guess in some sadistic way I was hurting for more of him. We went out later that week I think a Saturday. Well it wasn’t really a date we went to his house watched Karate movies and talked. As time drew on we talked and really connected on a whole other level. Despite his cocky ways he was really sweet and romantic as well as selfless. He would do anything for my daughter and that spoke volumes. I fell for him so hard. There was nothing to break my fall.
He did not celebrate holidays yet whenever a holiday would come around he would remember me. I thought that was such a nice touch. I was so into him. I mean really into him our love is when I discovered what intimacy was and how beautiful vulnerability can be. With him there were no inhibitions they ceased to exist in my mind. Yet, when that love ended I took it much harder than I ever had. I believe I never would recover. It was that bad. I had to pull myself together and move on. I had to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and it seems they are still scattered here and there. He and I still speak occasionally. He is doing well. I am happy for him in spite of all the years and tears we shared. That man was a real man. He never lied to me and was upfront about everything. Sometimes his honesty came off as disheartening I was never in the dark about what we shared. I knew full and well we were just having fun so how did it get so serious. How did the feelings deepen so quickly?
It snuck up on me out of nowhere. Since him there have been others that have come close but they still pale in comparison to the man he was. I just wonder if I could ever be that vulnerable and safe with someone every again. I have come close but no cigar. I want to say I refuse to give up on love but that would be BS. I hate lying especially to myself. Love has definitely lost its luster for me. I am terrified of loving someone so much. Not because I am incapable just that I feel unsure my heart can take another hit. I wanted to end it all because love betrayed me never to love again.
There is someone in my life that truly, madly, deeply loves me (you see the Savage Garden fan in me) flaws and all. For years he has been there for my daughter and they have never met. Christmas he goes out his way to buy her a gift. I know with him my heart would be safe but I am scared to love and trust that hard. For six years he has patiently waited to meet my baby girl and be the leading man in my life. I feel like this hiatus will enable me to be a better woman. I do not feel he deserves a disheveled woman right now. He deserves for us to be equally yoked. He is too great a man to have a jacked up woman. He has been more than patient and I pray I am worth the wait.
So as I get myself together I pray loves find me in the end. I pray I give love a chance despite all the pain I have indulged most of it self-inflicted for dating men who were emotionally unavailable. I subjected myself to this pain. Now only I can heal my wounds. I deserve it.
Have you lost your faith in love? What would help renew it? Share your thoughts below.