Low Self-Esteem Killing Me Softly

Is low self-esteem holding you back from love? Does the formula low self esteem=victim=plaything=permanent side piece seem to be your destiny?

I have suffered from low self-esteem for way too long. I have allowed it to play as my enabler in many facets of my life. I will focus today on how it has impacted me in my dating life.

They always says don’t look for a man he will find you. I have always believed that the man for me will come to me and be heaven sent. So why has hell been reigning over my dating life. Part of it could be I have played the victim role so much I really believe I have been victimized by love. What a farce! My arduous road to love is a direct correlation to my unwillingness to love myself. Sure I look in the mirror occasionally to check my hair and outfit but I never stand there long enough to peer into the very heart of me. I am broken in so many ways. If I look too long I will point out all my flaws and figuratively tear myself apart.

When I was on hiatus from dating I began to do some serious introspection. I actually began to like me and then like always I found a man to help me get off track and lose sight of me. The woman I was beginning to see. I always immerse myself into a man. It is so easy for me to put him on a pedestal and cater to his every need. Thinking somehow I will convince him I am the one not knowing I am showing him I don’t love myself and unworthy of the title I so desperately want to be bestowed. I will lose my identity in him I won’t write, not even journal I am consumed by the thought of being in love. My day revolves around him and how he feels. What a sad state of affairs it truly is.

Every time I hit rock bottom in love it comes back to the same solution learn to love you. How can someone invest in my stock when I am selling my shares and not investing in the company? No man would invest in me especially when he doesn’t know what’s going on with the company if something is wrong internally, but I know. If I don’t invest, neither would he. I have time and time proven I am an unworthy stock. Now I am saying that for pity, I am saying that because it is true. I cannot gain support for a cause I don’t myself believe in.

So much of who I am is about keeping up appearances and wanting to belong. I want to be accepted it stems from being rejected long ago. I have to deal with my past demons and the entire trauma that I have endured. I have to say I was victimized but I am no longer a victim. Unfortunately, in my case the opposite is true I am a professional victim. Internally, I blame my past for so many things and truth be told I am still living in my past. I am still that insecure girl from all those years ago. I need reassurance that I am beautiful. The men I date see that I am desperate and desiring of their approval and they run with that. In all honesty I cannot blame them for my current state. It is my own fault.

The role of Girl Friday has become cumbersome and emotionally exhausting. Emotionally and physically I morph into the role of Superwoman and my kryptonite is loving me. Sometimes I through pride aside and just do things because I so desperately want to be loved. I sacrifice so much of myself that I am losing vital pieces of me along the way. So how do I counter all of that you ask? I will start blogging again and journaling and do some introspection. Study the craft known as me and learn her well. I have to step back from loving someone else because I am on the brink of self-destruction. Yes that’s where I am headed.

To hell with thinking like a man, time to think like a boss.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Low Self-Esteem Killing Me Softly

  1. The author sounds like she wants a PITY PARTY…I wish i knew the arthur because i’d tell her a few things…smh…What does it take for one to seriously “GET A GRIP”…that’s the REAL question that needs to be asked…You (author) have been going thru these emotional rollercoasters because YOU CHOOSE to do so…PERIOD. Has not a nothing to do with this man or that man…you’re a mess because you like wallowing in sh*t…*shrugs* what advice or inclination can anyone give you that you haven’t already heard but decided to turn a deaf ear to? Put on your big girl panties, get your LIFE (Tamar Braxton voice) and child(ren) in order (if you have any)and things may start to fall in place. Have a good one! 🙂

    • It seems like you always come on with a something negative. Whether the authour wants to have a pity party or is simply sharing themselves… to a someone who barely know them…and to always come with some fucked up comment. Try building up without tearing a person down. Females…always quick to tear each other down…never lend a helping hand. I guess you have it all together huh? i highly doubt that. STFU

  2. My mother always told me that nothing is ever going to just drop into my lap and that whenever I wanted something, I had to work for it because expecting someone to give it to me wasn’t going to work. As I got older, I learned how to apply something I once thought was crazy adult-speak to just about everything I could do in life… include love, sex, and romance.

    While it is theoretically true that there is someone out there for everyone, they’re never just going to appear on your doorstep and, thus, if you want that good man, you gotta go get him and, along the line, you will fail; you will make mistakes and have errors in judgement. And while each mistake and each failure can deliver hard blows to one’s self-esteem, it is having developed that inner strength and resolve to not let any setback suffered doing anything break your spirit.

    Love might have many meanings to each of us and love just might sneak up on us and kick us in the crotch when we least expect it. But a relationship? That requires work from day one; it’s where two people not only learn how to grow with with each other but as individuals as well.

    It doesn’t come easily. It will not drop into your lap, woman. You must find the resolve within yourself to get what you need for your life… because no one can or will do it for you.

    You make me sad because even with all the dealings I have had with women, I do not understand why they take themselves off the market, why they’re so easily disillusioned and why they give up so easily. This isn’t a fairy tale, LQ; this is real life and life is hard and brutal. And, like it or not, if your self-esteem is so badly eroded, you allowed it to get to such a sorry state because no one is responsible for its integrity except YOU; depending on someone else to keep it healthy is irresponsible and naive.

    Loving yourself isn’t all that difficult; you just have to accept that you are what you are and see the value in yourself. No being what other people think you should be; none of that adopting an image that isn’t you or doesn’t belong to you. Be the woman you are, flaws and all, and make this happen for yourself because, as I like to say at times like this, if you don’t play, you can’t win.

    Period.

    If you dare to love, if you dare to enter into a relationship with anyone, you are setting yourself up to be a victim and, sweetie, you aren’t the only victim in any of this – so stop acting like one. I told you once before that you have the power to do what needs to be done in this – so consider yourself told again.

    Being all the woman you can be to a man is all well and good… but you need to pay attention – and I mean close attention – to how this is being received by a man. Putting him on a pedestal is a fatal mistake; it doesn’t tell him that you don’t love yourself – it tells him you are someone he can take advantage of because you don’t seem to understand that relationships aren’t just about him no matter what the fuck he thinks. If he doesn’t understand (and keep showing that he does) that the relationship is about US, then walk away and hold your head high because even today, it still takes two to tango; it still takes everyone’s cooperation and effort to make the relationship work and thrive.

    And if you keep latching onto men who are not going to be in this with you, well, if you act like prey, you will be eaten; you don’t make US a prime requirement in this, you will forever be a lonely, unloved victim.

    You really and seriously need to stop beating yourself up like this, get off that cute ass of yours, and fucking do what you need to do in this. Fuck the dumb shit, girlfriend; if you want a man, go get his ass and make him yours.

  3. “When I was on hiatus from dating I began to do some serious introspection. I actually began to like me and then like always I found a man to help me get off track and lose sight of me. The woman I was beginning to see. I always immerse myself into a man. It is so easy for me to put him on a pedestal and cater to his every need. Thinking somehow I will convince him I am the one not knowing I am showing him I don’t love myself and unworthy of the title I so desperately want to be bestowed. I will lose my identity in him I won’t write, not even journal I am consumed by the thought of being in love. My day revolves around him and how he feels. What a sad state of affairs it truly is.” <——THIS paragraph is my ENTIRE dating history!!! So I had to take the time now and just love being by myself cause I am WAY too afraid to get to that point again

  4. Pingback: Natural Hair is a Display of HIGH Self-Esteem |

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s