Are you too immature for a relationship? Some of us struggle with handling the ebbs and flow of a relationship. We struggle with being a “we” versus just “me”. Especially, those who have not had mature relationships to learn from. I will put myself out there I am inept when it comes to relationships. I am not clueless but I am a major work in progress.
The other day I was asked what is the most important thing you have done for a mate? I drew a complete blank or did I? I knew the answer I just did not have the gall to say it aloud. Even now I am hesitant to say all I have been willing to offer willingly was just the physical. Wow I really just said it. I get so frustrated I wanted to say I am supportive, attentive, I listen and give feedback when he talks, I cook, clean and everything. But quite frankly I do not do much. My longest relationship was a tumultuous year, and saying tumultuous is being kind. It was riddled in insecurity and resentment. I was with someone because I could not be with someone else. I settled and received more than I bargained for.
When asked that question I was hurt and offended, the nerve of me, to try and balk at the truth. It is hard writing this piece because I feel like you can see me naked right now. But I have to be honest with myself first and you. I am immature when it comes to relationships. That may truly factor into why I have not had a successful one yet. I don’t give enough of myself emotionally. I do not risk being vulnerable I actually dread it. When it comes down to it I hold back a lot in a relationship. It is because I am afraid of being happy. I will self-sabotage like nobody‘s business. If he is fed up I just anticipate his departure I would shut him out rather than let him in. Trust me that was not easy to say of course you cannot see the tears in my eyes right now. It is hard being this raw and honest. There is nothing factious about this I say this to help both you and I.
Listen I am the Queen of Pushing a Man away. Intentionally, I will push until it hurts, and ironically I will be disappointed when he has no fight left. Yes I am very immature when it comes to relationships. I hate the hard times when you have to open up and let them in. Stay out of my heart and mind. I will allow him in physically yet remain numb emotionally. Sure I could blame it on my abusive past but I am a big girl now. I am to be accountable for my own mess. It is time for me to grow up. It is like I develop the fight or flight mode when my mate asks more of me and depending on how I feel that day I might just fight tooth and nail with him while mentally being at a stalemate. See the wonderful thing about me is I will push you far away too protect my heart. I am not afraid of being hurt in actuality I am afraid of being loved. No man is strong enough to love me flaws and all I am too tough, too ornery for such a man. If I think you are him I will break you down till you tire of me and just leave of your own volition. I am so arrogant in myself sabotage that it never occurs to me that I have the need to be loved by you.
I want you to love me but the scared side of me would rather push you away than love you right back. At this point I feel some serious introspection is needed to cure me of this need to flee from love. I finally learned to love me but I am terrified of allowing you to love me right back. I am afraid no matter how awesome I am to you; you will grow tired of me and want to leave so in my mind I want to beat you to the punch. I am scared for you to see me flaws and all. I am terrified that this host of imperfections is unworthy of love outside of me. How do I combat that?
How do I allow someone in; into a place that is longing for love? I guess I have to do more work on myself. I have to ride this thing out a little longer. I cannot just run and hide from love forever. Are you inept when it comes to relationships? Do you fight or flight when it comes to love? Share your thoughts below.