What are we dating for?

If marriage isn’t the goal? What is the sense in dating? Are you content with just being a boyfriend/girlfriend? We can play house together but won’t set the foundation for a lifetime together? What gives? I guess I am asking because I have never envisioned myself being married and someone asked me what is your goal when you date someone if marriage is not in your thoughts? This baffled me,
but I am curious what the heck are we dating for?

Why are we dating without a purpose? It makes one believe that old fashioned courting is becoming instinct. There are no long-term goals anymore. The conquest of rushing to the bedroom and avoiding the altar. What are we afraid of? I know for me I fear commitment and longevity terrify me. The reason I have this fear is what if my mate becomes bored and more importantly I am nervous about promising God I would be bound to a man forever. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It is a foundation set on hardwork, dedication, and commitment.

I have toyed with the idea of marriage. But never taken it seriously. We are afraid to love and let someone love us unconditionally. We love the idea of the wedding but shy away from the work a marriage entails.

We are so consumed with the end of a marriage, i.e., divorce we don’t take a serious try at staying together. We have to date with a purpose in mind. Maybe I am saying this because I am in my thirties and have grown tired of just being a girlfriend. I want to become more intentional with my dating practices.

Date intentionally. Set a dating goal for yourself when meeting a potential mate. Do you see a future with this person that involves the exchange of vows?
Work on becoming marriage worthy. Are you someone worth marrying? What do you bring to the table? Remember you have to be the change you want to see.
Friends first. Try building a friendship with a potential mate. Some of the best marriages are based on solid friendships.
Quit rushing to the bedroom. Hold off on hittng the sheets prematurely. Implement a solid period of abstinence.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting different results. Try a new approach to dating and marriage can be a serious end goal.

Are these tips helpful? Did I miss any? Share your thoughts below.


5 thoughts on “What are we dating for?

  1. I don’t know if there’s a real, true “purpose” to dating but I’d say we date just for the company, to have that necessary social interaction, and for the purpose of finding a mate… and simply for sex. This might even differ between men and women but I’ve not seen in my lifetime so far that dating is solely for the purpose of getting married.

    It seems, as indicated by a lot of stuff I’ve read along the way, that men don’t necessary date for the purpose of marriage – but women do but this isn’t some blanket kind of thing because there are men and women who never want to marry so they date for companionship and sex and there’s nothing wrong with this – there can’t be anything wrong with it because, again, there’s no rule that says if you date someone, you can’t have sex with them and you have to marry them.

    This mindset, however, still exists – it’s part of the “social conditioning” I received as a boy and especially the part about sex: Don’t have sex with anyone you don’t love and if you love someone, you’re supposed to marry them and I can remember asking, “What if I don’t want to get married?” and I don’t even want to get into the answer I got (it was bullshit). What I’ve seen is this school of thought diminishing because more people are deciding for themselves that while marriage might be a goal – and it’s only a goal because (a) the only legal sex is married sex and (b) that’s the “best way” to have babies – marriage is too much like work and all you have to do is date someone for a period of time to see how much work it is and the pitfalls outweigh the benefits in their minds, that and a lot of people want all the benefits but none of the responsibilities marriage – or just being in a LTR – can bring to the table.

    If you’re looking for a mate, the “only” way you’re gonna find one is via dating, which a lot of women (in particular) use as a screening method in order to find that person they will want to marry. Old school doctrine says that a woman shouldn’t give up the booty even if he puts a ring on that finger and that she should wait until “I now pronounce you man and wife” before giving it up… but we’re more about instant gratification these days – few people have the patience to court/date someone for years and then do it without sex.

    Once upon a time, LQ, people who weren’t married but were living together were said to be living in sin until people found that, nah, that ain’t really the truth; once upon a time, before you got married, you not only had to prove your virginity but had to be schooled on how to be married, i.e., the man does this, the woman does that and is, basically, his property – modern women pitched a bitch about this and because they did, “love, honor, and obey” was removed from the modern marriage vows because they weren’t going to be the property of any man – women’s lib changed a lot of things about dating and marriage (and a lot of men are still pissed about that).

    Does dating have to have a purpose? That depends on the person doing the dating. If you don’t really want to get married, then girlfriend or even fiancee status are your available choices if you want to have someone in your life and, even then, if you want him to be around for a long time, you have to choose wisely and grab someone who will be willing and able to put in all of the work that’s required to have a successful and lasting relationship – and that’s provided if the two of you can agree on how that’s supposed to be done (and most people can’t). Women are funny in that they’d rather be married or single; they get tired or disillusioned with dating because they can’t find The One and settle down with him and, well, this whole thing is a mess – and that’s being nice about it.

    You (not you) date for the reasons you want to date: Companionship, marriage, sex, social interaction – whatever – and then do what you gotta do to fulfill your reasoning behind dating. Should women give up the coochie while dating? Sure… if she feels like getting laid but women still worry about giving up the pussy “early” and they guy she gave it up to getting in the wind after he’s gotten it. I’m not saying it’s “wrong” to be chaste when dating – some people really do believe in the values that were ancient when I was a kid – but it’s also not wrong for a man or even a woman to get theirs even if marriage isn’t on the table.

    Not anymore. Even in 2014, we pursue dating as if we’re still back in the 1950s. I agree that if one isn’t getting the results they desire when they date, change something that will get you closer to whatever goal you have in mind and, yes, you can even change the goal if needed. But be careful what you wish for; you might think you know about marriage but you can believe me when I tell you that thinking about being married and actually being married aren’t the same things – marriage is VERY different and more so when you’ve never been married – just knowing some married people doesn’t tell you a whole lot. I was married for over 30 years before we called it quits so, yeah, I know a little something about that…

  2. We should insist upon waiting for the best experience we can have from a man… Being out of order IS really dumb…

    Don’t reject the teachers that God sends you though… But, be clear as to what the relationship is for.. end it when its time is done…

    Many women enjoy being covered by a man.. They enjoy holding him in their minds and using his image to relax…

    If that is the purpose of your fascination with someone.. Let it be just that.. Don’t get involved with the mess that occurs when you pull a relationship out of its purpose and try to make it be something it is not meant to be.

  3. Not only should the pursuer make his intentions clear in the beginning, but he should be clear if he wants to move deeper even while he is pursuing you. It will steer clear from the confusion, the worry, the stress and the mind games that come with not knowing. If someone isn’t making their intentions clear, odds are they may have different intentions or could be fearful in voicing it. I think a lot of us could raise our hands to this. Both involved can get blindsided simply because a lack of upfront communication.

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