This morning I saw a quote “Many of us don’t know how to let someone love us, we let our scars make us defensive and push people away.” Why do we push away those that love us the most? I was once guilty of this. I would purposely sabotage a relationship because I was scared of having someone love me flaws and all when I did not accept myself in that form. You see when I did not love me; I could not love anyone else.
When I deemed myself unworthy of love in its purest form I pushed away any semblance of love. I would purposely date men that were emotionally unavailable because I was numb to emotional attachments. I hated anything to do with true intimacy. I avoided emotional connections. It was because in my state of mind I did not love who I was and did not want anyone else to love me either. When you don’t love yourself you accept almost anything. I would settle for being the girl on the side and I do not mean because he had a girlfriend either in most cases we were both single but we would settle for being “friends” and I would just accept that. Never grasping how can one immediately dismiss a potential mate and compartmentalize them into the friends with benefit category. I would never question aloud I would just go with it.
To be honest I did not feel I deserve their love but I wanted their attention so badly. When I felt lonely and wanted to be held I settled for the physical even though in that moment I needed the emotional. I read some of my old posts and I see remnants of a shattered soul. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I could not even look myself in the mirror without breaking down emotionally. I did not love myself at all.
Thank goodness I have moved on from that dark place and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. As Kendrick Lamar’s song says “I Love Myself”. At the point I will not entertain the idea of being a girl on the side. I deserve to be the lady in his life. If that spot is not the goal then I do not want to take part in it at all. I am more likely to dismiss a man now when I see signs of him trying to place me in the friends with benefits zone. How audacious of someone to be so egotistical and think I would want to be their girl on the side? You are offering me crumbs and you want me to grovel at that I think not.
I refuse to settle for being an option. I could say they don’t know my story or the things that I have been through. I refuse to be typecast by any man. I am too good to be your girl on the side. With that being said moving forward I cannot entertain anyone that I ever accepted that role from. They will always look at me in that awful light.
Do you push away love because you feel unworthy? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below.