When you love you then you can love him/her


This morning I saw a quote “Many of us don’t know how to let someone love us, we let our scars make us defensive and push people away.” Why do we push away those that love us the most? I was once guilty of this. I would purposely sabotage a relationship because I was scared of having someone love me flaws and all when I did not accept myself in that form. You see when I did not love me; I could not love anyone else.

When I deemed myself unworthy of love in its purest form I pushed away any semblance of love. I would purposely date men that were emotionally unavailable because I was numb to emotional attachments. I hated anything to do with true intimacy. I avoided emotional connections. It was because in my state of mind I did not love who I was and did not want anyone else to love me either. When you don’t love yourself you accept almost anything. I would settle for being the girl on the side and I do not mean because he had a girlfriend either in most cases we were both single but we would settle for being “friends” and I would just accept that. Never grasping how can one immediately dismiss a potential mate and compartmentalize them into the friends with benefit category. I would never question aloud I would just go with it.

To be honest I did not feel I deserve their love but I wanted their attention so badly. When I felt lonely and wanted to be held I settled for the physical even though in that moment I needed the emotional. I read some of my old posts and I see remnants of a shattered soul. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I could not even look myself in the mirror without breaking down emotionally. I did not love myself at all.

Thank goodness I have moved on from that dark place and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. As Kendrick Lamar’s song says “I Love Myself”. At the point I will not entertain the idea of being a girl on the side. I deserve to be the lady in his life.  If that spot is not the goal then I do not want to take part in it at all. I am more likely to dismiss a man now when I see signs of him trying to place me in the friends with benefits zone. How audacious of someone to be so egotistical and think I would want to be their girl on the side? You are offering me crumbs and you want me to grovel at that I think not.

I refuse to settle for being an option. I could say they don’t know my story or the things that I have been through. I refuse to be typecast by any man. I am too good to be your girl on the side. With that being said moving forward I cannot entertain anyone that I ever accepted that role from. They will always look at me in that awful light.

Do you push away love because you feel unworthy? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below.

9 thoughts on “When you love you then you can love him/her

  1. Nah, I’ve never felt unworthy but I know a lot of women (in particular) who have driven good men away from them because of the ghosts of their pasts; I’ve known women to sabotage a relationship because they don’t know how to love or how to be loved or they have some grand idea of how all of this is supposed to work but it’s very far removed from the truth because they let their fears make them foolish.

    Some cannot let go of past mistakes; if one man screwed them up, then all future men, in their minds, will be guilty of the same thing; because it didn’t work before, it’ll never work again and, as such, will unconsciously or deliberately do everything in their power to wreck a relationship.

    I don’t think it has anything to do with a lack of self-esteem or a lack of love for themselves; some people just cannot deal with failure – they can’t cope with the truth, that is, what they think is one thing but what they will experience is going to be very different. I’m not saying that it’s wrong for a woman to have goals in this, to have that ideal situation residing in their heads… but I do think it’s a problem when they adopt these things but they never account or adjust for the reality of life and Murphy’s Law – if it can go wrong, it will go wrong.

    I see things like women saying they ain’t gonna settle for less than what they really want and that’s fine… except that which they really want only exists in their heads and I wonder if they know this or if they do and choose to ignore it or, worse, not believe it which, of course, is why there are a lot of women waiting, griping and complaining about being single when they don’t want to be.

    What i think must be understood is that, let’s say, you ARE an option – but we all are. Being typecast is inescapable because those who see you as an option already have an idea on what you’re supposed to be and, of course, the mistake is trying to be what they want you to be as well as them becoming disillusioned to find that you aren’t really a good option and never were – and that’s because of an attitude that’s designed to keep anyone that would be an option for you as far away as possible and that’s because others have made you feel unworthy at some time in your life.

    But that happens to all of us; people want to destroy our character when we don’t meet their expectations or when our own expectations are shattered. As with all things in life, it’s not that these things happen – I mean, you’re dealing with people so what do you really expect? – but how we recover from them. The sad part that I see is that a lot of women never, ever recover; I see them strengthening their resolve in ways that are self-destructive and self-defeating, like that “I ain’t settling” thing. Ya might think you’re doing yourself a favor by not settling but what you’re really doing is making it almost impossible for any man to want to approach you because, yeah, they have reason to think that you might be a good option in their quest for the good relationship. So if you think that you’re not an option and you do things to illustrate your refusal to be an option, um, guess what’s gonna happen?

    Women are deliciously insane. Yes, there are the things they go through and some of them ain’t pretty but when you shut yourself off from the possibilities and/or go out of your way to sabotage things because you can’t deal with the past, what the hell do you think is going to happen? You wind up making yourself unapproachable – men can sense this and at first glance – because you’re resolved to sit and wait for something that may never appear in your lifetime AND because of the things they’ve gone through in the past. Here’s a truth: Those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. It now becomes a matter of what did you learn from your past mistakes and what corrections have been made in order to avoid making those mistakes again – but without making new mistakes, like sabotaging every relationship that comes your way because you’re now afraid to love and, yeah, ya might not know how to let yourself be loved.

    My bad – I’m ranting but women make me insane…

  2. I think the key is to be a real person in a relationship.. Look at it logically.. Look at it with the eyes of God.. What are the actual possibilities between you two? How can he make your life better? How would you be able to make his life Better? (I mean things he actually would enjoy or that he actually needs.. not what you have that is good…)…

    Will any of this work to make your walk in life better?

    IF IT WOULD, ENJOY THE RIDE… and gracefully get off the horse when the period of mutual increase is over.

    About those who were friends with benefits before… Have you thought about why that happened? Maybe they found you to be a life downer, but were so attracted that they decided to do you anyway? (Like that bucket of your favorite ice cream you ate last night knowing you would be sick in the morning and that IT WAS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH)

    Have you changed since then? Have they? How do you fit together now?

    Look and see if he has something to teach you… Why not explore that? Practice taking the good and leaving the rest….

    A relationship can have an ending and they can have their place…
    Gracefully admitting that and making it happen is key to not getting into a humiliating situation.

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  4. The more issues you have with yourself, the weaker your capacity for love is and the more issues you have with other people, even the closest ones. That’s why you have to forgive yourself and accept yourself as you are. The fewer issues you have about yourself and the better you feel in your skin, perfect or not, the greater your capacity for love is.

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