Mama tell me the truth…about dating.

What lies have your mother told you about dating?

One of the classic ones that my mother told me when I was being bullied by boys in my neighborhood was “baby they like you and they just don’t know how to say it”. This of course confused my adolescent rationale. In my mind the guy that likes me would never be mean to me, but I also knew better than to think that I could outwit my mom. So growing up I figured when a guy was mean to me it was his awkward way of masking his true feelings of infatuation. Now as I am saying this I realize what a farce this little white lie was. Yet when my daughter approached me about a boy teasing and harassing her I almost told her the lie thank God I chose to digress. I do not want to confuse my daughter and fill her head with my misguided dating myths. I want her to learn to trust her instincts first and foremost if he is being mean to her it should not be tolerated at any standpoint.

Mothers we have to stop feeding our daughters these lies about men. We cannot coddle them with deception for they will be defenseless in the dating game. How can they protect themselves from despicable behavior if they believe it is actually admiration?Let’s be honest if a man is mean to you he unequivocally does not LIKE YOU. The man that wants you will show his admiration for you and will never send mixed messages. Ladies we have to call as we see it because our instincts do not lie to us. When I was growing up and being picked on the boys did not like me for some reason I was the unwanted target of conjecture and ridicule. The man that likes me would NEVER subject me to such cruel and unusual punishment.

As a mother, I understand the need to protect our child. But the best way to protect them is to liberate them with the truth. Use your experiences as a way to absolve them of any doubt as to how a man should treat a woman. Arm them with the truth so they always value their worth. Deceiving them is the worse thing because it makes them putty in a cunning person’s hands. Remember knowledge is power; truth will always remain solid, and unwavering under all circumstances. Now I know I can say that most of these myths come from families that are without father figures. I know this because when my father speaks to me as an adult it is pure and unadulterated fact when it comes to dealing with men knowledge in which I wish I could have possessed years ago which would have been used a safeguard against the games men play. Of course, this can be countered by the statement a man will only do what you allow him to. If you allow him to be mean to you while you treat him in a high regard then this behavior will continue. Yet, if you are equipped with the truth early on now I am not saying we as mothers are purposefully deceiving our daughters of course there is no malice intended on our parts. It is definitely not a conscious decision. We do it because we do not want to hurt them by telling them that boys are being rude for whatever reason they have a great disdain for our daughters. We need to inform them that they should stand up for themselves and inform these boys that their disrespect will no longer be tolerated and if they cannot show respect then they will be dismissed accordingly. I know it sounds harsh but boys need a taste of reality as well. For if they are to become men who respect women we owe it to them not to tolerate this type of behavior for they will only emulate it during their adult years and make horrible men to the women in their lives. We have to teach our daughters to respect their decision and not renege on their positions if they are to be held in a high regard.

We devalue their worth when we teach them that disrespect is admirable. Later in life this cripples our daughter. They grow up trying to prove their worth. They look for signs instead of listening to his actions. They are confused looking for love in all the wrong places. When a man treats them with admiration and respect they are befuddled and often mistakenly emasculate him for being kind. We often wait for the other shoe to drop because we do not value who we are. See that white lie we tell our daughters delves deeper than we ever imagined. It is essential to their mature growth that we arm them with the truth. It is imperative that we are aware any deception on our part will be detrimental to their emotional health and well being. They will often seek validation and never rely on their own judgment. They will never trust themselves because when they did in their youth they were wrong as we as mothers knew better. We never want to take away their ability to trust themselves otherwise it will be the blind leading the blind.

Furthermore, we have to teach them the rules of dating and not confuse them with exception to the rule. For if the exception were always true then there would be no need for the rule. Case in point, a man is with a woman for years and has not married her. The woman in the situation will conclude he is not interested in marrying her yet you as her mother may tell her he needs time, people change, and you or someone you know has known someone in a similar situation and the man in that situation did indeed marry said woman. Well that’s an exception and not the rule, in reality if a man wants to marry you he will. The indecisiveness you are feeling is on your part, his actions speak volumes. He does not want to marry you own that and move on. You have to trust yourself and no one else. Always remember that although there is an exception to every rule air on the side of caution and follow the rule.

You see by arming her with the truth will save her a lot of heartache and pain. The truth will inevitably set her free. We always say how we want to raise our daughters financially independent but we also must liberate them emotionally as well. We need them to be emotionally independent in this dating game. Let us focus on their overall well being. We need more women strong in the mind, body, and soul. Now am I saying arming them with the truth will absolve them or mishaps in love? No, but they will be more aware of the pitfalls of dating. We should teach them that “the man who wants you nothing will keep him away, and a man that does not want you nothing will make him stay.”

What pre-conceived notions did you form about dating from the teachings’ of your mother? Share your thoughts below.

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He Likes It, But That Doesn’t Mean He’ll Put a Ring on It!

Single Ladies I need you front and center. I need you to pull out your notebooks and take plenty of notes for this blog post. I was on essence.com reading one of Paul Carrick Brunson post. You know the modern day matchmaker, anyway he is always wrting excellent posts. This particular one was reasons why he won’t marry you.

Playing House

Ladies many of us treat our boyfriends like our husbands because in our mind we believe we are the one. We cook, clean, and everything for him. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Not to mention many men carry the philosophy if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it philosophy. Don’t put all your cards down at once. Hold back a little. Make him wait.

He Said No, You’re Not Listening

He said no to the idea of marriage in the beginning and you think you can change his mind. Well ladies you cannot, his mind is made up if it changes it is because of him not anything you may have done. Ladies we have to learn to listen really listen to what he says not just what we want to hear.

You Are a Liability

When a man considers a woman to be his wife he is thinking she should be an asset. Definitely, not a liability, it could be one too many children, muddled in debt, or even other things that he does not want to take responsibility for.

You Are a Nag

You whine, whine and all he hears is blah, blah, blah! Talk to him not at him. A man doesn’t want to feel like his relationship is a mother-child relationship. Where all you do is get after him about things you feel he is not doing. Lay-off or he will walk off with your ring and give it to someone else.

He Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

In the beginning you set certain boundaries in place, i.e., a 90 day rule, or you are waiting for marriage, and/or you would not tolerate certain behavior. He bullied his way through of your rules and most importantly you did not enforce these rules by sticking to your boundaries. Why should he respect them if you don’t?

He is a Commitment Phobic

Ladies if you have a commitment phobic then you have a problem on your hands that only a therapist can handle so call in reinforcement’s honey. This is not something you can tackle alone.

You Don’t Need Him

Ladies a man wants to feel needed. He wants to feel like you need him in your life. Never be too independent that you don’t need a man or you will be single for the rest of your life. Granted he wants you to stand firm on your own two feet but make some room for him. Include him in your decision making, yes even in the financial department, make him feel apart of the team. Remember there is no I in team.

You Are His Good Time Girl

You are fun to play with but not good enough to meet the family. This is a tale-tell sign that you are definitely are not getting a ring. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but it definitely means your time together has an ever approaching expiration date. Your days are numbered sweetie.

His Other Woman Doesn’t Like You

His Mom, Aunt, Sister, or any other close female in his life is not fond of you. No matter how old he is the opinion of any of these women matter to him. I used to date a man who’s mother could not stand me in the beginning so to get to know me for his sake at first she would invite me over to her house without him so we could connect. Which worked perfectly we got along famously even stayed in contact years later. If he is The One work on repairing things with the other woman in his life. Don’t brownnoses be genuine in your approach? Make it work!

He’s Not Ready

Sometimes we get caught up with the sound of our biological clock ticking, or thinking we have reached the age where we should have been married so we want to speed up the clock and our man just isn’t ready yet. Be patient with him I don’t mean wait around forever but talk to him about you desires in a way he can hear you without any nagging. Contemplate things from his perspective as well marriage is a big step and definitely shouldn’t be rushed.

 

Ladies are you waiting for that ring? Wondering why you still don’t have it? Check out these tips and maybe you or the fellas can suggest some more I may have missed. Share your thoughts below.

Low Self-Esteem Killing Me Softly

Is low self-esteem holding you back from love? Does the formula low self esteem=victim=plaything=permanent side piece seem to be your destiny?

I have suffered from low self-esteem for way too long. I have allowed it to play as my enabler in many facets of my life. I will focus today on how it has impacted me in my dating life.

They always says don’t look for a man he will find you. I have always believed that the man for me will come to me and be heaven sent. So why has hell been reigning over my dating life. Part of it could be I have played the victim role so much I really believe I have been victimized by love. What a farce! My arduous road to love is a direct correlation to my unwillingness to love myself. Sure I look in the mirror occasionally to check my hair and outfit but I never stand there long enough to peer into the very heart of me. I am broken in so many ways. If I look too long I will point out all my flaws and figuratively tear myself apart.

When I was on hiatus from dating I began to do some serious introspection. I actually began to like me and then like always I found a man to help me get off track and lose sight of me. The woman I was beginning to see. I always immerse myself into a man. It is so easy for me to put him on a pedestal and cater to his every need. Thinking somehow I will convince him I am the one not knowing I am showing him I don’t love myself and unworthy of the title I so desperately want to be bestowed. I will lose my identity in him I won’t write, not even journal I am consumed by the thought of being in love. My day revolves around him and how he feels. What a sad state of affairs it truly is.

Every time I hit rock bottom in love it comes back to the same solution learn to love you. How can someone invest in my stock when I am selling my shares and not investing in the company? No man would invest in me especially when he doesn’t know what’s going on with the company if something is wrong internally, but I know. If I don’t invest, neither would he. I have time and time proven I am an unworthy stock. Now I am saying that for pity, I am saying that because it is true. I cannot gain support for a cause I don’t myself believe in.

So much of who I am is about keeping up appearances and wanting to belong. I want to be accepted it stems from being rejected long ago. I have to deal with my past demons and the entire trauma that I have endured. I have to say I was victimized but I am no longer a victim. Unfortunately, in my case the opposite is true I am a professional victim. Internally, I blame my past for so many things and truth be told I am still living in my past. I am still that insecure girl from all those years ago. I need reassurance that I am beautiful. The men I date see that I am desperate and desiring of their approval and they run with that. In all honesty I cannot blame them for my current state. It is my own fault.

The role of Girl Friday has become cumbersome and emotionally exhausting. Emotionally and physically I morph into the role of Superwoman and my kryptonite is loving me. Sometimes I through pride aside and just do things because I so desperately want to be loved. I sacrifice so much of myself that I am losing vital pieces of me along the way. So how do I counter all of that you ask? I will start blogging again and journaling and do some introspection. Study the craft known as me and learn her well. I have to step back from loving someone else because I am on the brink of self-destruction. Yes that’s where I am headed.

To hell with thinking like a man, time to think like a boss.

Request for my heart….Denied!

My phone has stopped ringing no more calls, texts, or video chats with my chocolate drop. He seems to have just disappeared out of my life. I stop my dating hiatus to get to know him and now he is M.I.A. I wonder aloud if maybe there was something I have somehow been a catalyst for his disappearing act. I did everything he asked and more yet now he is gone. I feel like a foolish girl for opening up my heart to someone who I always thought wanting nothing more than my body. I always knew deep down I was his fantasy girl and I guess the reality of who I am killed his euphoric desires. I should have known it was the beginning of the end when he asked me why I never tired to talk to him when he was the one pursuing me all this time. Even worse than that I thought he was The One. Perish the thought; I thought he was meant for me. But would the man meant for me really ask what the freakiest thing I have done is. Correct me if I am wrong but the man for me would never want to imagine me with another man.

There were so many signs that I chose to ignore. I never trust my own instinct. Sometimes I wonder if I truly know what is best for me. People in my life always say don’t look for him he will find you. Well I am tired of being found by men would mean me no good. Tired of being sidelined and bestowed the title of mistress. I am better than being an entrée on the side. During my hiatus I learned I am more than my body, I have a heart and soul that longed to be respected as well. I learned to respect all three and even while I was choosing to date this man I decided not to have a Plan B so may call it foolish but I did not want to be emotionally vested in more than one man as I have always done in the past. Although, all this time I have been single I would tell potential suitors I was taken. It was easier than explaining my boo was too far away to be here and I was holding him down no matter what. Some told me I was foolish for engaging in a long distance relationship but I did not care what they thought they had someone and I had no one so I was going to pursue it anyway. He has pursued me since adolescence so I thought it best to see this thing through. I had everything riding on this hope and dream that love had finally found me.

I thought wow no man waits this long just to have sex with me. Naïveté definitely set in during this last month. Some men will go through great lengths because the power of the cookie is that strong in their mind. It felt good to not have to hide anything I felt refreshed. I was preparing for him to come and see me. I have known him forever was I infatuated with him or just the thought that love had found me finally after 7 years. I bore everything into him told him things about me wanting to be nothing but honest. He said there is no such thing as moving too fast yet me emotions faster than ever before. I envisioned so much with him and none of it will come to fruition. He admired me intellect but our conversations were purely sexual. I know I should have walked away when his actions screamed at me he just wanted sex. Why did I ignore all the red flags? I rode down a road that said yield, then caution road out ahead, and I went off the cliff and now after getting out of the rubble I wonder how I ended up here again. Damn!

Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life if I am blessed to be married will it be in old age. Yet I know one thing for certain I have to get my shit together. I lost track of everything and my only focus was him. I had bigger fish to fry and my sole purpose was to convince him I was The One. I am Mrs. Right. Yet all along he already had someone she never left. I was never even thought of as being his girl in his mind. I was just this longtime crush that he never conquered. When he wouldn’t call me for days he would ask when he called how did you sleep? What an arrogant asshole! You love to see me fawning foolishly over you. You love to see a woman like me hurt and downtrodden.

Well I have picked myself up again and going back to my dating hiatus. My esteem took a serious hit than needs intensive care to repair. I need to stop thinking that a man will complete me the only man with that type of power is God. I have to be a boss in my thinking. I must achieve my goals and set out to accomplish so many things and I will not accomplish shit running behind an unworthy man. Why was he so deserving of my time and attention? Truth is lips never met and our bodies never collided yet my mental was more than receptive to the idea that was him.

So I am single again but I am no longer accepting applications. Not because I am bitter but because I want to be better. I don’t want to rebound I want to regroup. A good friend of mine watched me tear up and comforted me with tough love. Those who know and love me want me to focus on me and nothing else. They see a wounded solider who is allowing herself to be preyed upon but self-serving people. People whose agendas are clear and evident in their actions but foolishly I settle for what I can get. I don’t deserve better at this point because I don’t want better. I just want a warm body next to me.

I am better now that I released all that emotion. I want to call him and call him out for being a coward by ignoring me. I am not mad just disappointed in me for not holding firm to what I knew to be true. He was going to come here and lay with me. That was his only goal.  He never meant to be anything more than a roll in the hay. I was in love with love not him. I was in love with the idea of being in love again.

Why do we allow ourselves to be lead as sheep to the slaughter? Why don’t we fight for so much more? Share your thoughts below.

No Kids Allowed….

 

Would you date someone who refused to accept your child? Would this be a deal breaker? Some people want to love you but are not willing to accept the package that comes along with you. Now I will admit before I became a Mom I refused to date a man with a child. I did not want to deal with any baby mama drama. Despite the fact I loved kids I knew that was something I did not want to deal with. I met someone who was a great man and I could have loved and accepted his situation with his child years later this choice would come back to haunt me.

 

It is present day and I am a mother of a 10 year old. Single and looking for a companion. I am looking for that intelligent, ambitious, confident, suitor. Up until a few weeks ago I thought I found him, we will change his name for the sake of the story. Omar was just the kind of guy I liked in my ideal mate in fact. We shared so many common interests and our chemistry was undeniable. Everything clicked when we put our expectations and intent on the table is when trouble surfaced in paradise. It seems he did not mind befriending a single mom he just was adamant about the fact he would not get serious about her. He did not want a ready-made family.  It seemed from his observation I was a great girl but my daughter was a deal breaker for him. Crushed does not begin to describe how I felt at that moment. I was speechless I had like him from afar for so long and part of me knew it would never be but it never occurred to me that he would never be able to accept the more pertinent person in my life.

 

For some this would have been the beginning of the end.  You can never change someone who does not want to change. Yet he reassured me that I should stay and with the hope that maybe his position would change, like a fool I remained with him. Cuddling and sexing him night after night. Misconstruing the mornings when he would want me to stay longer as him saying baby I want you. Naively, I convinced myself his long embrace meant something so much deeper. I understood it to me he wanted me no matter what and he would come around. He even took me on a date despite our arrangement, with no provocation from me. He definitely seemed genuinely interested in me he was coming around. Yet I was still struggling with the fact he did not want a serious relationship with me because I was a Mom.

 

One day against my better judgment I asked him out on a date, he refused to go citing he had a single mindset. So it was ok for us to have sex but that was the extent of it. It was like a slap in the face I blew a gasket. To be honest I was mostly mad at myself not Omar. I was a fool for ever thinking he would come around. Men are great at saying exactly what they mean and women have a great way of manipulating their words to mean something that better suit our needs. When a man tells you something believe him and his actions. I made it so convenient for Omar giving him something he can feel for the moment without him having to give me anything more.

I am not writing this expecting any sympathy for it was my naiveté that got me in this mess. I am a grown woman who knows full well what this situation was. The person I feel for is my daughter I was wasting time with him that could have be better spent with her. All because I wanted to be held and caressed. It was not even about the sex it was just that constant need to belong to someone.

 

I guess you could say I was being desperate. I was so willing to accept a man in any form. Willing to compromise my values and standards just to say I belong to someone. A sad state of affairs I was willing to sell my soul to the one who gives me the most attention. What kind of example am I setting for my daughter? I tell her I would never put a man before her yet with Omar that is exactly what I did. Thankfully, I have learned from my wayward ways when a man tells me something I will listen to his words and actions meticulously.

 

Is a man not accepting your child a deal breaker? Or, have you compromised your standards selfishly for a temporary fulfillment? Share your thoughts below.

Give It Up and Turn Those Legs Loose

Do you overanalyze the fact the man you’re dating wants to sleep with you? Do you deem him as being perverted because of his primal need? Did it ever occur to you want him as much as he wants you? It is nighttime, stars shining and the moon is beaming. You two lay there cuddling together as he gently caresses you with his thick fingers. You become excited as does he but you deny him what you want so badly. Why even put yourself in that situation? If it is natural for us to feel frisky why is it unnatural for them?

Stop lying to yourself. I am not saying to act out impulsively every time but at least acknowledge your true feelings. Be true to yourself. Dare I say it give that man some. Stop denying what you both want. We are mature adults. Ladies admit it we know within the first five minutes of meeting a man what we want to do with him. The choice is yours! Stop thinking so damn much have some spontaneity to you. What the hell are you doing all those kegals for you have him so use him? All you are going to do is go home at night and use your toy or a hot shower or bath. Knowing you’re just teasing the hell out of you. If you do not want to be tempted do not spend time in his lair or yours?

This reminds me of my favorite movie “Love Jones” the scene where it was a hot summer night and Nina and Darius decided, well Nina decided they were not going to have sex that night. Lying there alone was torturing them along with the seemingly torturous heat. Of course lower heads prevailed otherwise there would have probably been some serious human combustion. You know the routine you want to feel like you’re saving something. Then you are walking around all worked up and aggravated. When you both know sexual healing can conquer angry emotions. I have never understood why some women deny men the obvious why do you have a man. Guilty as charged of using coochie control on him. Actually rationing out sex, what is that all about? There is nothing wrong with desiring sex and receiving it regularly. I hear outlandish stories of these things called coochie lockouts.

Ladies how do YOU manage during these arduous times? I am sure you suffer more than he does especially if he doesn’t chase he replaces. Granted there are foolish men out there who have women who are ready, willing and able anytime and anyplace and these fools will creep anyway. There is no hope for these fools. Now moving on, ladies we cannot be naïve men have needs just as we do. Do not deny them so much. Granted there are times when we are not in the mood that is cool. It even happens to them although that sounds strange especially when it is heard aloud. Oops was that a sexist statement. Sorry boys! I mean MEN.

The bottom line is our coochie I.O.U.s will expire very quickly. He will move on more quickly than you can recover. Give that man and yourself that due sustenance. It is a part of both of your need for survival. Give it up and turn those legs loose. Do you hold out even when you want to give in? Share your thoughts below.

My Secret Identity

Have you ever lost yourself in a man? Have you ever loved somebody so much you forgot who you were? Many times in relationships we give so much to we, that we forget ourselves. We shower our mate with an outpouring of love and support. Nurturing all their ambitions and future endeavors that our wants and needs fall by the way side.

Case in point, recently I let go of someone who cared and supported me and my writing dream. I let him go because I was so consumed with being this great woman to him I was neglecting my dream. We gotten into it pretty heavy and stopped talking for a while during that time I stop writing and focusing on what drives me and makes me who I am. Writing is my sustenance yet I was malnourished and emaciated. The essence of me was deprived of ambition and drive. I was so consumed with him I stopped performing at open mic performances, my blog took a serious hit it was on life support and I was ready to pull the plug. When it got to that point I knew what I had to do. I had to leave him alone and walk away from dating altogether. I realized that a man who distracting me from my dream. It was as if he was a dominant force that enabled me to be co-dependent on him for validation. He never went to my open mic performances and I am not certain but I am sure he never read my column either. I was with him because he was so caring and so supportive.

I allowed myself to be with him because I throve off of the attention he showed me. No one else seemed to care about me or my writing that much.  No other man I should say. Yet when I was slipping he did not say anything until the day I called him to break it off. He is very domineering so I had to fight to keep control on the conversation being a little amateurish I refuse to allow him to break up with me first. Then, I realized in my childish ways what I really needed was closure. So I told him I was ending things because he had become a distraction for me. This relationship took me off my focus which should have been on me all along.

After that conversation I felt a sense of relief and very vulnerable. I did not have anyone in my ear or in my face. In the past I would have longed for a replacement. Instead I decided dating was no longer an option at this juncture in the road. I need to concentrate and love me.  So I cleaned house cleared out my phonebook of all our text messages, picture messages, voicemails, and of course his phone number.

I have grown. This journey in self-discovery is teaching me things about me daily I never knew.  Something’s make me smile and others make me cry. Yet, all of it is connecting me with what I really need. I can no longer use having a man to numb out the pain of insecurity, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Words haven’t killed me and neither will some alone time. With this awareness I have come to conclusion that the characteristics I want in my man must first be found in this woman…ME! I cannot say to you I am turned on by intellect when I am being foolish by settling for what I can get versus striving for what I really want. The reason why I haven’t been able to write a relationship blog is I am bogged down with working on me. That is all I can talk about right now. I share this journey with you anticipating it will benefit you. It will enable you to learn a lesson at my expense instead of making a costly mistake of your own. I am single again but I am not an angry single woman. In fact I am happier than I have ever been in a really long time.

I will not lie just because I am not dating does not mean I am not interested in anyone. There is someone in particular that piques my interest at this very moment. I have even prayed that if it is meant we will lock eyes at the end of my journey. If not then I will be content knowing he is out there for me somewhere. I am wise enough to know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing while expecting different results. I am taking a whole new approach on things.  I am dealing with myself one-on-one emotionally right now. I have to get my mind right. I am a mother and I have to lead by example. I have given so much power to others that my energy is depleted and I can barely save myself.

Each day as I trek down my newly constructed path I know that great things await me. Loneliness and desire are not far behind but I will combat them feverishly. I refuse to settle for someone when I am not ready just for the sake of saying I have a man. That is the story of my life.  I do not want to be the woman who needs a man, I want to be the woman a man needs.

Have you ever lost your identity in a relationship? Ever love someone more than your loved yourself? Share your thoughts below.