Request for my heart….Denied!

My phone has stopped ringing no more calls, texts, or video chats with my chocolate drop. He seems to have just disappeared out of my life. I stop my dating hiatus to get to know him and now he is M.I.A. I wonder aloud if maybe there was something I have somehow been a catalyst for his disappearing act. I did everything he asked and more yet now he is gone. I feel like a foolish girl for opening up my heart to someone who I always thought wanting nothing more than my body. I always knew deep down I was his fantasy girl and I guess the reality of who I am killed his euphoric desires. I should have known it was the beginning of the end when he asked me why I never tired to talk to him when he was the one pursuing me all this time. Even worse than that I thought he was The One. Perish the thought; I thought he was meant for me. But would the man meant for me really ask what the freakiest thing I have done is. Correct me if I am wrong but the man for me would never want to imagine me with another man.

There were so many signs that I chose to ignore. I never trust my own instinct. Sometimes I wonder if I truly know what is best for me. People in my life always say don’t look for him he will find you. Well I am tired of being found by men would mean me no good. Tired of being sidelined and bestowed the title of mistress. I am better than being an entrée on the side. During my hiatus I learned I am more than my body, I have a heart and soul that longed to be respected as well. I learned to respect all three and even while I was choosing to date this man I decided not to have a Plan B so may call it foolish but I did not want to be emotionally vested in more than one man as I have always done in the past. Although, all this time I have been single I would tell potential suitors I was taken. It was easier than explaining my boo was too far away to be here and I was holding him down no matter what. Some told me I was foolish for engaging in a long distance relationship but I did not care what they thought they had someone and I had no one so I was going to pursue it anyway. He has pursued me since adolescence so I thought it best to see this thing through. I had everything riding on this hope and dream that love had finally found me.

I thought wow no man waits this long just to have sex with me. Naïveté definitely set in during this last month. Some men will go through great lengths because the power of the cookie is that strong in their mind. It felt good to not have to hide anything I felt refreshed. I was preparing for him to come and see me. I have known him forever was I infatuated with him or just the thought that love had found me finally after 7 years. I bore everything into him told him things about me wanting to be nothing but honest. He said there is no such thing as moving too fast yet me emotions faster than ever before. I envisioned so much with him and none of it will come to fruition. He admired me intellect but our conversations were purely sexual. I know I should have walked away when his actions screamed at me he just wanted sex. Why did I ignore all the red flags? I rode down a road that said yield, then caution road out ahead, and I went off the cliff and now after getting out of the rubble I wonder how I ended up here again. Damn!

Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life if I am blessed to be married will it be in old age. Yet I know one thing for certain I have to get my shit together. I lost track of everything and my only focus was him. I had bigger fish to fry and my sole purpose was to convince him I was The One. I am Mrs. Right. Yet all along he already had someone she never left. I was never even thought of as being his girl in his mind. I was just this longtime crush that he never conquered. When he wouldn’t call me for days he would ask when he called how did you sleep? What an arrogant asshole! You love to see me fawning foolishly over you. You love to see a woman like me hurt and downtrodden.

Well I have picked myself up again and going back to my dating hiatus. My esteem took a serious hit than needs intensive care to repair. I need to stop thinking that a man will complete me the only man with that type of power is God. I have to be a boss in my thinking. I must achieve my goals and set out to accomplish so many things and I will not accomplish shit running behind an unworthy man. Why was he so deserving of my time and attention? Truth is lips never met and our bodies never collided yet my mental was more than receptive to the idea that was him.

So I am single again but I am no longer accepting applications. Not because I am bitter but because I want to be better. I don’t want to rebound I want to regroup. A good friend of mine watched me tear up and comforted me with tough love. Those who know and love me want me to focus on me and nothing else. They see a wounded solider who is allowing herself to be preyed upon but self-serving people. People whose agendas are clear and evident in their actions but foolishly I settle for what I can get. I don’t deserve better at this point because I don’t want better. I just want a warm body next to me.

I am better now that I released all that emotion. I want to call him and call him out for being a coward by ignoring me. I am not mad just disappointed in me for not holding firm to what I knew to be true. He was going to come here and lay with me. That was his only goal.  He never meant to be anything more than a roll in the hay. I was in love with love not him. I was in love with the idea of being in love again.

Why do we allow ourselves to be lead as sheep to the slaughter? Why don’t we fight for so much more? Share your thoughts below.

Good Time Gal

 

 

Can being a freak ever be a bad thing? You want a lady in the street and a freak in the bed right?

Well why are so many men intimidated by a woman with a carnivorous attitude toward sex? She wants it morning, noon, and night and in between time. Wake up tapping you on the shoulder. You tell her she is too freaky and assume when you don’t give her any she must be getting it elsewhere.

Ladies, you are with your man and your want some alone time. You get all prim and proper for your love-making session. You go one round and he is done. But you still have more energy he tells you no. Yes!!! Girl, he actually formed his lips to say no!! He tells you that you need to calm down and stop being so freaky. How disheartening is that? When you are around your man you want to be able to be yourself.

Being a freak is not synonymous with promiscuity.

You cannot begin to fathom how torturous it is to be a woman with a high sex drive trying to find a man who will not find your libido to be emasculating.

Many men are intimidated by a woman like this. It defies all logic that a woman can want it as much if not more than a man. The woman is never supposed to ask for it that is his job.

Think about it like this, it’s like asking a girl out for the first time and getting shot down. It takes so much for us to ask for it. For some of us, we wrongly assume you always want it. So when we ask and you reject us it can be devastating.

I can recall a time where I was with my man and he had me revved up and ready to go and then he was like babe I have to go. I was pissed. If you think a woman teasing a man is terrible try being a woman and having a man tease you. It is a horrendous act that no man shall commit. Not everyone likes a tease.

Being a freak has often had a negative persona; in Rick James’s “Super freak” women who are freaks are informed they will not be brought home to meet Momma. You have to tone it down actually in a lot of cases, at least until he marries you and even then there is still some backlash. I read an interview with Zane years ago about women and their sexuality.

Most women are raised to be “good girls”.  To their men the “freaky stuff” is what “bad girls” do.

Personally, I believe women have both sides to them and may display them when the situation warrants it. I also believe that it is not as simple as being good or bad because there is definitely room for a gray area. No matter where we fall sexually we should be allowed to be ourselves. No woman should have to apologize for who she is sexually. You get to be you so allow me to be me. Take me as I am or have nothing at all.

Makes you wonder if you are a freak will you be single all your life. Constantly having to hide the woman you are inside.

Guys embrace your woman’s sexual side openly. Explore new things with her. Stop looking at her strange for her requests she can be your woman and your plaything rolled into one. These women exist so enjoy them. Why look on the side when you have the lady and the freak? Stop trying to reinvent the wheel she has already been created just for you. Welcome her with open arms don’t be scared she won’t bite unless you ask of course.

Ladies be you no matter what. Unleash the beast for that special man in your life and if he cannot handle it then move on. Never sacrifice your happiness for anyone.