Request for my heart….Denied!

My phone has stopped ringing no more calls, texts, or video chats with my chocolate drop. He seems to have just disappeared out of my life. I stop my dating hiatus to get to know him and now he is M.I.A. I wonder aloud if maybe there was something I have somehow been a catalyst for his disappearing act. I did everything he asked and more yet now he is gone. I feel like a foolish girl for opening up my heart to someone who I always thought wanting nothing more than my body. I always knew deep down I was his fantasy girl and I guess the reality of who I am killed his euphoric desires. I should have known it was the beginning of the end when he asked me why I never tired to talk to him when he was the one pursuing me all this time. Even worse than that I thought he was The One. Perish the thought; I thought he was meant for me. But would the man meant for me really ask what the freakiest thing I have done is. Correct me if I am wrong but the man for me would never want to imagine me with another man.

There were so many signs that I chose to ignore. I never trust my own instinct. Sometimes I wonder if I truly know what is best for me. People in my life always say don’t look for him he will find you. Well I am tired of being found by men would mean me no good. Tired of being sidelined and bestowed the title of mistress. I am better than being an entrée on the side. During my hiatus I learned I am more than my body, I have a heart and soul that longed to be respected as well. I learned to respect all three and even while I was choosing to date this man I decided not to have a Plan B so may call it foolish but I did not want to be emotionally vested in more than one man as I have always done in the past. Although, all this time I have been single I would tell potential suitors I was taken. It was easier than explaining my boo was too far away to be here and I was holding him down no matter what. Some told me I was foolish for engaging in a long distance relationship but I did not care what they thought they had someone and I had no one so I was going to pursue it anyway. He has pursued me since adolescence so I thought it best to see this thing through. I had everything riding on this hope and dream that love had finally found me.

I thought wow no man waits this long just to have sex with me. Naïveté definitely set in during this last month. Some men will go through great lengths because the power of the cookie is that strong in their mind. It felt good to not have to hide anything I felt refreshed. I was preparing for him to come and see me. I have known him forever was I infatuated with him or just the thought that love had found me finally after 7 years. I bore everything into him told him things about me wanting to be nothing but honest. He said there is no such thing as moving too fast yet me emotions faster than ever before. I envisioned so much with him and none of it will come to fruition. He admired me intellect but our conversations were purely sexual. I know I should have walked away when his actions screamed at me he just wanted sex. Why did I ignore all the red flags? I rode down a road that said yield, then caution road out ahead, and I went off the cliff and now after getting out of the rubble I wonder how I ended up here again. Damn!

Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life if I am blessed to be married will it be in old age. Yet I know one thing for certain I have to get my shit together. I lost track of everything and my only focus was him. I had bigger fish to fry and my sole purpose was to convince him I was The One. I am Mrs. Right. Yet all along he already had someone she never left. I was never even thought of as being his girl in his mind. I was just this longtime crush that he never conquered. When he wouldn’t call me for days he would ask when he called how did you sleep? What an arrogant asshole! You love to see me fawning foolishly over you. You love to see a woman like me hurt and downtrodden.

Well I have picked myself up again and going back to my dating hiatus. My esteem took a serious hit than needs intensive care to repair. I need to stop thinking that a man will complete me the only man with that type of power is God. I have to be a boss in my thinking. I must achieve my goals and set out to accomplish so many things and I will not accomplish shit running behind an unworthy man. Why was he so deserving of my time and attention? Truth is lips never met and our bodies never collided yet my mental was more than receptive to the idea that was him.

So I am single again but I am no longer accepting applications. Not because I am bitter but because I want to be better. I don’t want to rebound I want to regroup. A good friend of mine watched me tear up and comforted me with tough love. Those who know and love me want me to focus on me and nothing else. They see a wounded solider who is allowing herself to be preyed upon but self-serving people. People whose agendas are clear and evident in their actions but foolishly I settle for what I can get. I don’t deserve better at this point because I don’t want better. I just want a warm body next to me.

I am better now that I released all that emotion. I want to call him and call him out for being a coward by ignoring me. I am not mad just disappointed in me for not holding firm to what I knew to be true. He was going to come here and lay with me. That was his only goal.  He never meant to be anything more than a roll in the hay. I was in love with love not him. I was in love with the idea of being in love again.

Why do we allow ourselves to be lead as sheep to the slaughter? Why don’t we fight for so much more? Share your thoughts below.

Please Love Me

Are you aching for someone to love you?

Daily I struggle with learning to love myself. I am learning to look to myself for love. It is the little things I struggle with. Constantly I am looking for acceptance I want so bad for someone to love me so I don’t have to sit down and comfort myself. The other day I was walking around my old high school Trenton High and I was alone with my thoughts it drove me crazy. Today I had a conversation with my sister about feeling left out. Initially, I was frustrated with the situation from the stand point of they exclude me a lot more than they include me in things.

Never did it cross my mind when they include me in things I tend to isolate myself. I have always been awkward in social settings especially family gatherings. As much as I want to belong I am definitely a loner by choice. I am scared to let people in even family. Damn this is hard as hell to write. The tears won’t cease let me take a break.

Let’s resume I just want so badly to be loved that often I neglect myself. When it is just me it is hard to deal with life on life’s terms. Many times I try to escape my thoughts, fears, and insecurities. Even when writing this I am withholding a lot. I do not want you to know that I don’t love me. Although that is what my actions clearly show. My actions say I care more about you and what you think. I do not trust my own instincts, when and if I do I am always questioning myself. It is like I did not go to his house because I do not trust myself around him versus thinking I should have went anyway like how dare I have a noble bone in my body. How dare I stand up for me? Since when do I have rights, especially the right to say no? I always feel I am wrong for saying no to someone. I aim to please everyone but me.

I want to love him more than I want to love me. It keeps coming back to the same point I need to learn to love myself. When I face myself in the mirror my gaze often wavers and I cannot bring to look at me. I find everything wrong with me. I see the other girl everyone else sees. The one they pretend not to notice. The one guys just want to creep with on the low never professing their feeling aloud for the ugly girl. I have so many issues to deal with that I do not know where to begin. In my eyes I am hideous and unworthy of any love. Only God can love me.

It is not even so much about my exterior look it is about the feelings floating inside of me. Sometimes I daydream while looking at a pretty girl and wonder what it would be like to be pretty. How does that feel to be pleasing to the eyes? That is a foreign concept to me. So used to being the sweet, ugly girl in the background.

I know today I am all over but my feelings are all over. I want so badly to be loved but I do not know how to give that love back to myself. The truth be told I don’t want to love me. My flaws overflow so much they are bursting out of me like a dam that has imploded. I don’t want to face me I cannot look in the mirror and say I am beautiful when I know I am ugly. Ugly is a place of comfort for me. Failure lies on the other side of me. Strange bedfellows to most but comforting snuggle bunnies to me. I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to be happy. I don’t want to be loved because to truly love me is to know me and once he knows me he will run away from me. I don’t want success because people will expect greater things of me. I don’t want to disappoint their expectations of me.

As I said before this process is a daily one but even more specific it is a minute by minute effort on my part to learn to fall in love with me.

Have you ever loved someone more than you loved yourself? Are you running away from self-love?

Share your thoughts below.

Say It

I am revamping an old segment for Wednesdays called Battle of the Sexes. I pose a question and both sexes battle it out to see who reigns supreme.  Here is the first question:

 

 

Battle of the Sexes: Does the person that says I love you first lose their power in the relationship? Does saying it first mean you are more open and into your mate than they are into you? What do you think?

 

I have never said I love you first I always feel he has to say it first so I  know he is into me and it is only then that I can openly say it to him. I have only mouth those three words twice in my life. They mean so much to me. Loving you is allowing me to be me in my barest essence allowing you in the sacred place known as my heart. There is one man walking this Earth who was my greatest love and my greatest heartache. You know who you are.

 

Many of us naively believe that by saying I love you first renders us powerless and whipped. We do not truly grasp the concept of those three words. What do you hear when someone says I love you? Or what do you hear when you say it to them? We do not understand the growth and maturity in those three words. How they manifest themselves into something greater than the emotions we fail to show by holding back saying those words? Think about how good it feels to be loved by someone having them know you and your flaws and still proclaim their unconditional love for you.

 

Why would you want to be selfish and hide those emotions from them? Being guarded is instinctive for people like me but holding back can be seen as a sign of immaturity. The wall you have built up may serve has a detrimental weapon in your quest for love. For how can someone love you if you are afraid to love them back?

 

Love yeast ye be loved. Que sera, sera whatever will be, will be. Say it when you are ready and mean it from the bottom of your heart. Don’t allow those words to fall out of your mouth like careless crumbs. Trust that they will treasure your heart for the gift it is. In love you take risks why not risk being happy for once in your life.

 

Would you take a chance on love and allow I love you to leave your mouth before your mate says them to you? Share your thoughts below.

Big Love

He was my greatest love and my greatest heartache. Can you go from being madly in love to just friends? Big and Carrie united and got married. If Big and I reunite the only union will be of our bodies. I am scared to see Big. Scared to touch his sexy smiling face. Should we reunite? What would be the point?

Truth is I never got over him. How can I tell my heart that her other half is taken? Someone else holds that key Big snatched it away from me years ago. Can I hug him without yearning for his tender kiss? What would I say to him?

I am speechless. I always love our conversations. Adored hearing how his mind worked. His thoughts would excite and set my soul on fire. How can I be around him and not want that old thing back? Imagine if he could send my mind into the point of combustion. Then, toy with the idea of what he did to my body when our worlds would collide.

When someone calms your spirit, eases your mind, and sends shock waves through your body. How do you handle just being friends? The ending our saga killed my heart and I have never loved since that is how profound an effect he had on my heart.

Damn Big you made me love you. With you I loved hard and hurt harder when it was all said and done. I love you Big still madly in love with you. I pray I can keep my composure when I see you. Let my mind take over my emotions. Help me to stay in wise mind. I will always love Big and would welcome him back in my life. I just have to woman up and realize we can be friends for our love is that strong.

When you love someone you cannot just shut them out of your life. I am selfish with love once you hurt me I want to be done for life. How selfish is that? I have to learn to love whether we are together or not. Love is not supposed to be conditional. I have to truly learn and believe that. So Big yes we can be friends forever and always.

The Big Letter

Who is your Mr. Big? Who is your Mr. Big? Carrie’s dating plight made me realize I needed to write through my own dating woes. I figured writing would help me take a better approach on dating. I am so tired of all this disaster dating as I like to call it. Like Carrie I have dated quite a few characters but none of them stood out to me more than my Mr. Big. I decided to write my Mr. Big for here goes:

Dear Big,

It has been four years since we have seen or heard from one another. I see you have a blog and it is doing well I am so proud of you. I always knew you were destined for greatness. Being with you taught me a lot about me I learned everything I wanted in a man started when we first met on that bus stop in 2002. The man you were is the man I need in my life right now. You challenged me mentally. You observed my thirst for learning and challenged me to expound on that. You were supportive and motivated me beyond what I thought my capabilities were. I cannot say we were compatible because I cannot honestly say I was your match. Yet you were definitely my match constantly keeping me on my toes. At the time I was with you I was in a place where I did not really love myself and so I felt at times unworthy of your love. I was naïve about a lot of things. I did not full grasp what you were trying to teach me about myself.

Baby I still love you. I still care for you even when I reflect back to feeling like you were selfish because you would not give me a commitment. You wanted me to change the woman I was at the time into the woman I am now. I was not ready to make that change at that time. I had to grow and learn to develop into the woman I am today. One night emotions took over me and I finally unleashed on you. That night my emotions were too intense. I was on the brink of a breakdown. The dam finally broke the flood of emotions terrified me. It was that night that our saga ended.

Tears well up when I think about my missed opportunity I have never met someone who could uplift my mind, body and soul imultaneously. Big you are bigger than big your light shines boldly across a moonlight night. I miss you Big, miss how you cared for my daughter as if she were your own. Sorry Big that I ever doubted your love for me. Sorry I put another before you who paled in comparison.

Daily I pray God will send me an angel like you again. I pray that I get another chance at an amazing man. I just wanted to say you will always have a special place in my heart and I always wanted to be crowned your Queen of Sanity. I must digress because I know that there is a beauty that now holds that title. I have moved on and pray for your continued happiness. Love you always and forever.

Who you chose to deal with is a reflection of where you are or in some cases where you need to be. Big and I were not compatible because both of us were in different places. I was young still trying to find my way in life and discover who I was and where I wanted to be. He was already established and constantly seeking more and expected more out of his mate and that is why he never made me his girl. I was not where he thought his girl should be. I do not think this means he did not love me, he cared for me deeply but he wanted me to grow and at that point in my life I was not ready. I was like a teenager rebellious and unwillingly to change my wayward ways.

Sometimes I look back to that point in my life and it is often met with bittersweet fondness. I feel blessed for having met him and the impact he made in my life. He taught me what my man should be. What I should expect from him and what he should expect from me? He taught me how to learn to love the beauty that is me. Most of all he taught me that I am worthy of love but most of that love should come from within.
 

He’s So Into You

Last night I watched “He’s Just Not That Into You” a very
interesting and insightful movie. This week I will cover several
topics from the movie. It sparked a lot ideas in my head and
blogs just poured out of me. So come and join me I hope you enjoy
the ride on this rainy Back to Work Monday.

Ever have that friend that is always giving you sage dating
advice? They seemed to have psychic tendencies when it comes to
dating. They can tell you every misstep you make and what your
next move should be to counter your mishap. You always walk away
thinking damn he is good. One day it hits you and you toy with
the concept that your friend might just be into you.
Simultaneously, you realize you are into him as well.

In the movie the main character Gigi reveals to her friend Alex
that she has feelings for him and she knows he is into her.
Initially, Alex deflects her accusatory tone with justifications
to make his case that she is having some warped illusion.
Immediately, denying her claims of infatuation. Adamantly, he
proclaims he was just being her friend. I have had a similar
experience. I had a longtime friend that I was always doting on
when one day a female friend insisted that I should pursue him. I
mulled it over and then I realized what a poignant role he played
in my life how much he really cared for me and how the one I
wanted was right in front of me the whole time. One night I made
dinner and invited him over after I got my liquid courage I
explained the true intention of the home cooked meal. I made a
play for his heart.

Surprisingly, he shot me down and immediately forced me into the
infamous friend zone. Once you are there you can never escape it.
I was so hurt and dejected. I made peace with what happened and
realized that although I care for him and I know he cares for me
that he is just not ready to take that plunge with me. Seeing the
movie last night struck a chord and made me want to verbally
pierce his denial in regard to his feelings for me but I digress.
If he cannot see what a catch I am then it is a moot point to
keep pursuing him. Although I have to admit I am still holding
out for that happy ending between him and I. Yet I know you can
lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.

In the end of the movie Alex realized in typical romantic comedy
fashion that Gigi was meant for him. It terrified Alex to see how
well Gigi really knew him. He had missed all the signals that he
was falling for her. Often times we forget that the one you want
is the one who is always there for you. For years my friend had
been there for me and it took someone else to make me see that. I
guess the light switch has not come on for him yet. If you are
reading this I truly do care for you. I want to take a chance on
you and love hopefully you will dare to take that plunge with me.