Low Self-Esteem Killing Me Softly

Is low self-esteem holding you back from love? Does the formula low self esteem=victim=plaything=permanent side piece seem to be your destiny?

I have suffered from low self-esteem for way too long. I have allowed it to play as my enabler in many facets of my life. I will focus today on how it has impacted me in my dating life.

They always says don’t look for a man he will find you. I have always believed that the man for me will come to me and be heaven sent. So why has hell been reigning over my dating life. Part of it could be I have played the victim role so much I really believe I have been victimized by love. What a farce! My arduous road to love is a direct correlation to my unwillingness to love myself. Sure I look in the mirror occasionally to check my hair and outfit but I never stand there long enough to peer into the very heart of me. I am broken in so many ways. If I look too long I will point out all my flaws and figuratively tear myself apart.

When I was on hiatus from dating I began to do some serious introspection. I actually began to like me and then like always I found a man to help me get off track and lose sight of me. The woman I was beginning to see. I always immerse myself into a man. It is so easy for me to put him on a pedestal and cater to his every need. Thinking somehow I will convince him I am the one not knowing I am showing him I don’t love myself and unworthy of the title I so desperately want to be bestowed. I will lose my identity in him I won’t write, not even journal I am consumed by the thought of being in love. My day revolves around him and how he feels. What a sad state of affairs it truly is.

Every time I hit rock bottom in love it comes back to the same solution learn to love you. How can someone invest in my stock when I am selling my shares and not investing in the company? No man would invest in me especially when he doesn’t know what’s going on with the company if something is wrong internally, but I know. If I don’t invest, neither would he. I have time and time proven I am an unworthy stock. Now I am saying that for pity, I am saying that because it is true. I cannot gain support for a cause I don’t myself believe in.

So much of who I am is about keeping up appearances and wanting to belong. I want to be accepted it stems from being rejected long ago. I have to deal with my past demons and the entire trauma that I have endured. I have to say I was victimized but I am no longer a victim. Unfortunately, in my case the opposite is true I am a professional victim. Internally, I blame my past for so many things and truth be told I am still living in my past. I am still that insecure girl from all those years ago. I need reassurance that I am beautiful. The men I date see that I am desperate and desiring of their approval and they run with that. In all honesty I cannot blame them for my current state. It is my own fault.

The role of Girl Friday has become cumbersome and emotionally exhausting. Emotionally and physically I morph into the role of Superwoman and my kryptonite is loving me. Sometimes I through pride aside and just do things because I so desperately want to be loved. I sacrifice so much of myself that I am losing vital pieces of me along the way. So how do I counter all of that you ask? I will start blogging again and journaling and do some introspection. Study the craft known as me and learn her well. I have to step back from loving someone else because I am on the brink of self-destruction. Yes that’s where I am headed.

To hell with thinking like a man, time to think like a boss.

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Please Love Me

Are you aching for someone to love you?

Daily I struggle with learning to love myself. I am learning to look to myself for love. It is the little things I struggle with. Constantly I am looking for acceptance I want so bad for someone to love me so I don’t have to sit down and comfort myself. The other day I was walking around my old high school Trenton High and I was alone with my thoughts it drove me crazy. Today I had a conversation with my sister about feeling left out. Initially, I was frustrated with the situation from the stand point of they exclude me a lot more than they include me in things.

Never did it cross my mind when they include me in things I tend to isolate myself. I have always been awkward in social settings especially family gatherings. As much as I want to belong I am definitely a loner by choice. I am scared to let people in even family. Damn this is hard as hell to write. The tears won’t cease let me take a break.

Let’s resume I just want so badly to be loved that often I neglect myself. When it is just me it is hard to deal with life on life’s terms. Many times I try to escape my thoughts, fears, and insecurities. Even when writing this I am withholding a lot. I do not want you to know that I don’t love me. Although that is what my actions clearly show. My actions say I care more about you and what you think. I do not trust my own instincts, when and if I do I am always questioning myself. It is like I did not go to his house because I do not trust myself around him versus thinking I should have went anyway like how dare I have a noble bone in my body. How dare I stand up for me? Since when do I have rights, especially the right to say no? I always feel I am wrong for saying no to someone. I aim to please everyone but me.

I want to love him more than I want to love me. It keeps coming back to the same point I need to learn to love myself. When I face myself in the mirror my gaze often wavers and I cannot bring to look at me. I find everything wrong with me. I see the other girl everyone else sees. The one they pretend not to notice. The one guys just want to creep with on the low never professing their feeling aloud for the ugly girl. I have so many issues to deal with that I do not know where to begin. In my eyes I am hideous and unworthy of any love. Only God can love me.

It is not even so much about my exterior look it is about the feelings floating inside of me. Sometimes I daydream while looking at a pretty girl and wonder what it would be like to be pretty. How does that feel to be pleasing to the eyes? That is a foreign concept to me. So used to being the sweet, ugly girl in the background.

I know today I am all over but my feelings are all over. I want so badly to be loved but I do not know how to give that love back to myself. The truth be told I don’t want to love me. My flaws overflow so much they are bursting out of me like a dam that has imploded. I don’t want to face me I cannot look in the mirror and say I am beautiful when I know I am ugly. Ugly is a place of comfort for me. Failure lies on the other side of me. Strange bedfellows to most but comforting snuggle bunnies to me. I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to be happy. I don’t want to be loved because to truly love me is to know me and once he knows me he will run away from me. I don’t want success because people will expect greater things of me. I don’t want to disappoint their expectations of me.

As I said before this process is a daily one but even more specific it is a minute by minute effort on my part to learn to fall in love with me.

Have you ever loved someone more than you loved yourself? Are you running away from self-love?

Share your thoughts below.

Something I Hate About Me

So today I will touch on the subject the thing I hate about myself. There are a few things I cannot stand about me but I will zone in on the biggest pet peeve I have with myself. I validate myself through the thoughts and opinions of others. I am not sexy until someone else says so even then I need a second opinion. I have never been self-assured a day in my life unless it comes to sex and that my dear is a blog for another day.

I am always fishing for confirmation from others. I need validation from my head to my toes. I need validation to walk down the street everyday. I can never convince myself it is my opinion that matters and no one else’s. Especially from the opposite sex, a man’s opinion of me trumps all others. I change my hair often and hate it until a man says it’s sexy of cute. I will be self-conscious until I find this approval. I know how sad this sounds I don’t make a move without a man’s approval even on my writing. The thing I should be the most confident with for it is truly my talent. As I write this I am fighting back tears because it saddens me these things are true statements. I wish I could say I was making it up but I am not it is the cold, hard, unrelenting truth. The truth is most of the time I cannot stand the sight of myself until I find someone else admiring me.

Case in point I was trying out the Mohawk look for the second time at the office took a pic of my new do hated it. Thought about getting a new do didn’t feel sexy and anyone who knows me knows I am in love with short hair. It wasn’t until a sexy co-worker complemented me on it that I felt more confident in my do. And I know I have the face for a short cut. I know y’all I am a mess. I go out of my way to look the part because I want so badly to be accepted. It is like I cannot just check in with me and be content with that.

I have absolutely no confidence in myself until of course someone gives it to me. It was stolen a long time ago and I have been ever searching for it. Someone gave me a stone of confidence and I am praying one day I will find it within me. I do not believe in me. That is why inspirational songs about loving yourself break me to the core. It is because I do not love the woman and until I do I will never trust myself. How I feel about me now depends on how you feel? If you think I am ugly so will I. Sad state of affairs I am in. I cannot even believe I am finally saying this aloud this is very personal in heart-breaking to say aloud.

I want so badly for you to like me when I don’t even like myself. Constantly, I am seeking approval from others. It kills me when I don’t get your approval. I literally ball up in a corner and cry if I don’t get approval from you. Because I care that much what you think.

I want you to take this walk with me and stop looking for the approval of others. Look in the mirror before you go to bed tonight and name one thing you love about yourself. Do this with me everyday and watch how much better you will feel about yourself.

Object of my Forgiveness

Freaky Friday: What is the wildest act your cheating mate performed to prove his/her undying love for you? Can a relationship survive infidelity? After a partner cheats, can the love survive the broken bond between the two of you?

You are with your man and you have had found out he cheated on you. You are hurt as well overwhelmed by the pain heartbreak brings. Questions burst out of you like a damn that has reached it’s breaking point. Naively you question the fact wondering if you were good enough for him instead of understanding the fact he just proved himself unworthy by committing this heinous act.

 How do you move past this?

 These feelings seem to envelope your heart and seal it shut.

Can your love for him remain the same?

As your heart began to harden and trust goes out the window can forgiveness be found before your heart is immersed in concrete. Anger about the fact often breeds insecurity.

I had a former love cheat on me and I thought I could forgive him. I tried to look at the act as water flowing under a newly built bridge. Yet thoughts of her and him raced through my mind everyday. It got to a point where I was so riddled with hate and contempt for the both of them I went to her job to confront her. I had no idea what I was going to say because in all actuality I did not want to say anything. All I knew was I was hurting and I want someone else to feel my pain preferably someone who inflicted it upon me. I got there and her and I were face to face and she could not even look at me. I want to say so much but the words could not form at my speechless lips.

There she was the woman who for so long had no face merely she was simply a name which ignited anger in me. What did she have that I did not? Why wasn’t I enough for him?

As I write this I want to let you know that it took me years to move past what happened. For a long time I would see her and just wanted her to look me in the eyes and explain how she could sleep with the man she knew was mine. I wanted to know why she thought her needs were more important than mine? Why did he care for her more than me?

I will be honest it took a lot of years and tears for me to move past what happened between them. Seeing them together after our breakup stung deep like a knife wound to my heart.

Forgiveness was a hard lesson to learn. I had to accept that there was nothing I could have done to prevent him from cheating. Also, I had to accept that I am worthy of unconditional, pure love. I forgave him because my heart was hemorrhaging from all the hurt his selfishness caused. I tried to hold onto to the good our relationship had produced. The truth was our time had passed and we were holding onto a memory that had since faded.

You can forgive but you can never forget. Even when I write this piece the pain I felt the day I found out he was cheating still seems so raw as if it happened yesterday. That is why although I have forgiven him I have decided that I cannot allow him back into my heart. No amount of tears or kisses can make his indiscretion dissipate from my memory. As much as I want what we once had I have to be realistic and keep things in perspective for me. For me this act what far too great and cost me way too much. I refuse to let my guard down again for him.

Cheating makes trust a hard thing to give to someone. You cannot blame every man for the foolishness of one. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.