Sisterly Love

So I have been thinking lately about how awkward I feel in social settings with women. I am not inept yet I feel extremely uncomfortable. When I encounter a group of women I feel a strong sense of apprehension. The encounter is often met with fear and trepidation.

 

I have often wondered why I feel so uncomfortable around women. Part of it is distrust and bad experiences. In my past the women I have encountered were egotistical, riddled with insecurities most of which they wanted to inflict upon others, and self-loathing. I am the first to admit I am painfully insecure as well as anti-social. But I will admit among women I don’t often feel a sense of welcoming. I often feel I am being sized up and judged right there on the spot. Now I will be honest I have a few women in my life that are ideal friends for me. I often long to be who they are strong, independent, beautiful and most of all secure with who they are. They never need to tear me down or try to impress the man I am with, they don’t make me feel ugly I feel beautiful in their presence. I will admit part of my fear of women has to due with a lack of understanding of myself.

 

Yet I feel that we as women need to learn to help not hurt each other. It is like you grew up with body image issues and you grew into a beautiful, voluptuous woman yet you never shed your insecurities and you tear down your “friend” that is slim and never had body image issues saying you never want to be that skinny. Constantly, berating her for being slim like you she cannot help the way she was born. Or, better scenario constantly trying to outdo one another. A friendly competition is fine, cute even but constant battle is not cool at all. I will never forget I was out one night and met a nice-looking guy we were vibing really well. Anyway I walked away from him to talk to my girls. He was afraid to dance so I told him when he was ready I would be one the dance floor. Well he worked up the courage and came to dance with me we were dancing when my “friend” pulled him away. He came back then she yanked him away. He tried to come back I told him no she really wants to dance with you. Funny thing is he was interested in our girl that wasn’t dancing.

 

We need to respect one another although I am surprised at this one. There is no loyalty or respect amongst us anymore. Our girlfriends will come to us pouring her heart out and as soon as we get we put her business on blast to as many as possible. Yet you claim you are her best friend. Recently, I cleaned out my closet and let a lot of demons out of my life. It was bittersweet because I really lost someone who I felt was a sister to me. I love her dearly but her actions became unbearable. I kept sweeping them under the rug till one night I had enough. Women stop being afraid to air out your grievances with one another versus taking it to someone else. Take it straight to the source. We talk at not to one another. Always ready to fight learn to love.

 

Needless to say there is a serious need for reparations among women. We truly need to delve deep and explore why we exhibit this self-deprecating behavior. We need to realize this behavior only hurt ourselves. Trying to hurt me will only hurt you in the end. I just want to love you sister and heal both our hurts. Talk about what is really bothering us. I know with those friend I had she was just as insecure as me if not more and I felt sorry for her. I wished she would learn to love herself so she could love me too. Where is the love among us? Don’t be scare to hug each other. Comfort one another. Have you hugged a woman today?

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Object of my Forgiveness

Freaky Friday: What is the wildest act your cheating mate performed to prove his/her undying love for you? Can a relationship survive infidelity? After a partner cheats, can the love survive the broken bond between the two of you?

You are with your man and you have had found out he cheated on you. You are hurt as well overwhelmed by the pain heartbreak brings. Questions burst out of you like a damn that has reached it’s breaking point. Naively you question the fact wondering if you were good enough for him instead of understanding the fact he just proved himself unworthy by committing this heinous act.

 How do you move past this?

 These feelings seem to envelope your heart and seal it shut.

Can your love for him remain the same?

As your heart began to harden and trust goes out the window can forgiveness be found before your heart is immersed in concrete. Anger about the fact often breeds insecurity.

I had a former love cheat on me and I thought I could forgive him. I tried to look at the act as water flowing under a newly built bridge. Yet thoughts of her and him raced through my mind everyday. It got to a point where I was so riddled with hate and contempt for the both of them I went to her job to confront her. I had no idea what I was going to say because in all actuality I did not want to say anything. All I knew was I was hurting and I want someone else to feel my pain preferably someone who inflicted it upon me. I got there and her and I were face to face and she could not even look at me. I want to say so much but the words could not form at my speechless lips.

There she was the woman who for so long had no face merely she was simply a name which ignited anger in me. What did she have that I did not? Why wasn’t I enough for him?

As I write this I want to let you know that it took me years to move past what happened. For a long time I would see her and just wanted her to look me in the eyes and explain how she could sleep with the man she knew was mine. I wanted to know why she thought her needs were more important than mine? Why did he care for her more than me?

I will be honest it took a lot of years and tears for me to move past what happened between them. Seeing them together after our breakup stung deep like a knife wound to my heart.

Forgiveness was a hard lesson to learn. I had to accept that there was nothing I could have done to prevent him from cheating. Also, I had to accept that I am worthy of unconditional, pure love. I forgave him because my heart was hemorrhaging from all the hurt his selfishness caused. I tried to hold onto to the good our relationship had produced. The truth was our time had passed and we were holding onto a memory that had since faded.

You can forgive but you can never forget. Even when I write this piece the pain I felt the day I found out he was cheating still seems so raw as if it happened yesterday. That is why although I have forgiven him I have decided that I cannot allow him back into my heart. No amount of tears or kisses can make his indiscretion dissipate from my memory. As much as I want what we once had I have to be realistic and keep things in perspective for me. For me this act what far too great and cost me way too much. I refuse to let my guard down again for him.

Cheating makes trust a hard thing to give to someone. You cannot blame every man for the foolishness of one. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.