I Am Not My Hair

I Am Not My Hair

I am not my hair. Or, am I? I am obsessed with wearing weaves, wigs, and caps. I don’t feel beautiful with my own hair. Isn’t that sad? I see other women with natural hair and wish I could be as confident as they are. I am often struck with jealousy to see how liberated they are wearing their own hair.

I too want to be free. Free from the enslavement of weave. I am also obsessed with short hair since I want to cut mine but everyone advises me not to. Often I feel if I cut my hair it will be a sign of rebellion on my part. Rebelling against society’s view of me terrifies me. I want to be who they think I am.

Unlike some women I wear weave for confidence and beauty. So sad but so true! I am trying to overcome this weave addiction. It is tearing me apart both literally and figuratively. My skin and hair are suffering due to constant chemicals I use on my hair. Surprisingly, enough my hair is shoulder length yet I have thinning edges. If it can be weaved I have worn it. Due to my refusal to wear my hair it is now matted down and unmanageable. As a result my beautiful mane will be mangled by scissors and I will have to wear short hair by force not by choice.

Tears will fall as my hair decorates the floor. I need help for this addiction. I have a daughter with long hair and I refuse to perm her hair I manage her hair the best way I know how despite neglecting my own. What type of example am I setting for her? The obsession I have with weave is a sign of self-hatred. Some women wear weave for sport, I wear it for solidification with myself. To prove to myself I am worthy of being called a beauty. I hate my natural look and it shows when I wear it. I don’t exude any confidence or any glimmer of hope that I got it going on.

When I do go to the shop and pull off my wig, or take out my weave, the stylist is often shocked to find I have a head full of hair and no real reason to wear false hair at all. I am not writing this piece saying don’t wear weave. I am saying don’t get so caught up in its hype that you forget the true beauty that is you. I have forgotten the beauty that is me. I barely recognize her in the mirror where we meet face to face. Often I am disgusted by what I see since she is without her facade.

I do not know where this self-hatred was conceived but I want to witness a rebirth of a beauty. I admire women who are natural, who wear their own hair. I have very few pics of just me and my hair but I will show you me without weave. It is a rare sight and almost comes like Halley’s comet.

Beauty and confidence are innate components of you. It oozes through your DNA somehow my blood has been contaminated with resentment and self-loathing. As I said before I have to lead by example for my daughter. When, I was young I was never allowed to wear weave and now I wear it rebelliously. I never grew out of my rebellious stage. I am dwarfed in that aspect. Share your thoughts below. Does hair consume you?