Black Girl Purging

I cannot remember if I ever posted this but last night I felt emotionally overwhelmed and had a strong urge to do this. Thankfully, I was able to ride the wave and not give in. Let me know what you think.

I know usually I talk about relationship issues but I wanted to get a little personal with you all. I want to touch on eating disorders and how I used to suffer from one. It is unusual at first glance to find a black girl with food issues. Or, at least that is what I told myself. Initially, I did not realize I had a problem I just followed my impulse.

It started years ago, I do not handle stress well and I would try to combat it by finding a source of relief a sense of control when I felt out of balance. I would eat to the point of combustion and then when I felt so full I would run to the bathroom and purge. I felt such a relief when I purged it seemed to take the stress away. I would do this in silence and for a while I did not think I was harming myself. I did not realize I had a dangerous food addiction. It brought me such comfort yet made me feel so disgusted with myself.

 Eventually I told my mother of my ritual for I could not do it in secrecy anymore. She brought me a sense of comfort and tried to convince me to stop but I just continued to do it I just would not tell her. I did not have a name for what I was doing and it was not a problem or so I thought. I hated that disgusting feeling when I would eat excessively and then purge instantly. I would always wait till the bathroom was empty so my shameful behavior would not be exposed.

 Recently, I received help for my purging. It finally had a name, it was called binge eating. I will admit when I first discovered I had a problem I was not surrounded by those who look like me and it made me feel so alone. I felt as if I was the only black girl alive doing this nonsense. Yet the woman in me knows that I am not the only one so I need to tell my story to help my love sisters combat this dangerous disease. It is like ignoring the pink elephant in the room. It will not go away and we have to tackle it before it destroys us all.

Now for me it had nothing to do with weight issues it was more of an emotional thing. Mentally, I felt out of control and food is where I thought I could bring some sense of balance back into my life. I was stuck in emotional mind and became of victim of impulse. I am thankful I sought help so this pattern does not continue past me to my daughter. I am better equipped with how to handle things if she were to pick up this same behavior. I pray the cycle begins and ends with me.

Side note: I wrote this blog some years back and never posted it. I was terrified to share it at that time. But now I know why this story needs to be told. I have suffered with binge eating for quite some time. Last night was the first time in years I felt the urge to binge eat. I cooked salmon, fried rice, and corn on the cob. I ate dinner and then all of a sudden emotion poured over me. I felt emotionally overwhelmed from day to day things. I felt out of balanced and wanted to relieve myself hence purging. My boyfriend kept asking what is wrong so I explained to him my issue we went for a drive and stopped at 7-11 I did not get anything because I did not want to give into the urge. I decided to try positive self-talk and I kept using my wise mind. It was a temporary feeling and it would pass just ride it out and I made it through. Now I am feeling that way again so I am writing it out instead of running to purge. I have an issue with control when I feel out of balance food is where I feel I can have control. As I sit hear I want to snack to the point of combustion and then purge. I am speaking out because in our community it is taboo. You don’t hear about black girls purging. I want to combat this feeling. Please if you or anyone you know suffers from an eating disorder please share your thoughts below. Thanks!

Mama tell me the truth…about dating.

What lies have your mother told you about dating?

One of the classic ones that my mother told me when I was being bullied by boys in my neighborhood was “baby they like you and they just don’t know how to say it”. This of course confused my adolescent rationale. In my mind the guy that likes me would never be mean to me, but I also knew better than to think that I could outwit my mom. So growing up I figured when a guy was mean to me it was his awkward way of masking his true feelings of infatuation. Now as I am saying this I realize what a farce this little white lie was. Yet when my daughter approached me about a boy teasing and harassing her I almost told her the lie thank God I chose to digress. I do not want to confuse my daughter and fill her head with my misguided dating myths. I want her to learn to trust her instincts first and foremost if he is being mean to her it should not be tolerated at any standpoint.

Mothers we have to stop feeding our daughters these lies about men. We cannot coddle them with deception for they will be defenseless in the dating game. How can they protect themselves from despicable behavior if they believe it is actually admiration?Let’s be honest if a man is mean to you he unequivocally does not LIKE YOU. The man that wants you will show his admiration for you and will never send mixed messages. Ladies we have to call as we see it because our instincts do not lie to us. When I was growing up and being picked on the boys did not like me for some reason I was the unwanted target of conjecture and ridicule. The man that likes me would NEVER subject me to such cruel and unusual punishment.

As a mother, I understand the need to protect our child. But the best way to protect them is to liberate them with the truth. Use your experiences as a way to absolve them of any doubt as to how a man should treat a woman. Arm them with the truth so they always value their worth. Deceiving them is the worse thing because it makes them putty in a cunning person’s hands. Remember knowledge is power; truth will always remain solid, and unwavering under all circumstances. Now I know I can say that most of these myths come from families that are without father figures. I know this because when my father speaks to me as an adult it is pure and unadulterated fact when it comes to dealing with men knowledge in which I wish I could have possessed years ago which would have been used a safeguard against the games men play. Of course, this can be countered by the statement a man will only do what you allow him to. If you allow him to be mean to you while you treat him in a high regard then this behavior will continue. Yet, if you are equipped with the truth early on now I am not saying we as mothers are purposefully deceiving our daughters of course there is no malice intended on our parts. It is definitely not a conscious decision. We do it because we do not want to hurt them by telling them that boys are being rude for whatever reason they have a great disdain for our daughters. We need to inform them that they should stand up for themselves and inform these boys that their disrespect will no longer be tolerated and if they cannot show respect then they will be dismissed accordingly. I know it sounds harsh but boys need a taste of reality as well. For if they are to become men who respect women we owe it to them not to tolerate this type of behavior for they will only emulate it during their adult years and make horrible men to the women in their lives. We have to teach our daughters to respect their decision and not renege on their positions if they are to be held in a high regard.

We devalue their worth when we teach them that disrespect is admirable. Later in life this cripples our daughter. They grow up trying to prove their worth. They look for signs instead of listening to his actions. They are confused looking for love in all the wrong places. When a man treats them with admiration and respect they are befuddled and often mistakenly emasculate him for being kind. We often wait for the other shoe to drop because we do not value who we are. See that white lie we tell our daughters delves deeper than we ever imagined. It is essential to their mature growth that we arm them with the truth. It is imperative that we are aware any deception on our part will be detrimental to their emotional health and well being. They will often seek validation and never rely on their own judgment. They will never trust themselves because when they did in their youth they were wrong as we as mothers knew better. We never want to take away their ability to trust themselves otherwise it will be the blind leading the blind.

Furthermore, we have to teach them the rules of dating and not confuse them with exception to the rule. For if the exception were always true then there would be no need for the rule. Case in point, a man is with a woman for years and has not married her. The woman in the situation will conclude he is not interested in marrying her yet you as her mother may tell her he needs time, people change, and you or someone you know has known someone in a similar situation and the man in that situation did indeed marry said woman. Well that’s an exception and not the rule, in reality if a man wants to marry you he will. The indecisiveness you are feeling is on your part, his actions speak volumes. He does not want to marry you own that and move on. You have to trust yourself and no one else. Always remember that although there is an exception to every rule air on the side of caution and follow the rule.

You see by arming her with the truth will save her a lot of heartache and pain. The truth will inevitably set her free. We always say how we want to raise our daughters financially independent but we also must liberate them emotionally as well. We need them to be emotionally independent in this dating game. Let us focus on their overall well being. We need more women strong in the mind, body, and soul. Now am I saying arming them with the truth will absolve them or mishaps in love? No, but they will be more aware of the pitfalls of dating. We should teach them that “the man who wants you nothing will keep him away, and a man that does not want you nothing will make him stay.”

What pre-conceived notions did you form about dating from the teachings’ of your mother? Share your thoughts below.

He Likes It, But That Doesn’t Mean He’ll Put a Ring on It!

Single Ladies I need you front and center. I need you to pull out your notebooks and take plenty of notes for this blog post. I was on essence.com reading one of Paul Carrick Brunson post. You know the modern day matchmaker, anyway he is always wrting excellent posts. This particular one was reasons why he won’t marry you.

Playing House

Ladies many of us treat our boyfriends like our husbands because in our mind we believe we are the one. We cook, clean, and everything for him. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Not to mention many men carry the philosophy if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it philosophy. Don’t put all your cards down at once. Hold back a little. Make him wait.

He Said No, You’re Not Listening

He said no to the idea of marriage in the beginning and you think you can change his mind. Well ladies you cannot, his mind is made up if it changes it is because of him not anything you may have done. Ladies we have to learn to listen really listen to what he says not just what we want to hear.

You Are a Liability

When a man considers a woman to be his wife he is thinking she should be an asset. Definitely, not a liability, it could be one too many children, muddled in debt, or even other things that he does not want to take responsibility for.

You Are a Nag

You whine, whine and all he hears is blah, blah, blah! Talk to him not at him. A man doesn’t want to feel like his relationship is a mother-child relationship. Where all you do is get after him about things you feel he is not doing. Lay-off or he will walk off with your ring and give it to someone else.

He Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

In the beginning you set certain boundaries in place, i.e., a 90 day rule, or you are waiting for marriage, and/or you would not tolerate certain behavior. He bullied his way through of your rules and most importantly you did not enforce these rules by sticking to your boundaries. Why should he respect them if you don’t?

He is a Commitment Phobic

Ladies if you have a commitment phobic then you have a problem on your hands that only a therapist can handle so call in reinforcement’s honey. This is not something you can tackle alone.

You Don’t Need Him

Ladies a man wants to feel needed. He wants to feel like you need him in your life. Never be too independent that you don’t need a man or you will be single for the rest of your life. Granted he wants you to stand firm on your own two feet but make some room for him. Include him in your decision making, yes even in the financial department, make him feel apart of the team. Remember there is no I in team.

You Are His Good Time Girl

You are fun to play with but not good enough to meet the family. This is a tale-tell sign that you are definitely are not getting a ring. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but it definitely means your time together has an ever approaching expiration date. Your days are numbered sweetie.

His Other Woman Doesn’t Like You

His Mom, Aunt, Sister, or any other close female in his life is not fond of you. No matter how old he is the opinion of any of these women matter to him. I used to date a man who’s mother could not stand me in the beginning so to get to know me for his sake at first she would invite me over to her house without him so we could connect. Which worked perfectly we got along famously even stayed in contact years later. If he is The One work on repairing things with the other woman in his life. Don’t brownnoses be genuine in your approach? Make it work!

He’s Not Ready

Sometimes we get caught up with the sound of our biological clock ticking, or thinking we have reached the age where we should have been married so we want to speed up the clock and our man just isn’t ready yet. Be patient with him I don’t mean wait around forever but talk to him about you desires in a way he can hear you without any nagging. Contemplate things from his perspective as well marriage is a big step and definitely shouldn’t be rushed.

 

Ladies are you waiting for that ring? Wondering why you still don’t have it? Check out these tips and maybe you or the fellas can suggest some more I may have missed. Share your thoughts below.

Request for my heart….Denied!

My phone has stopped ringing no more calls, texts, or video chats with my chocolate drop. He seems to have just disappeared out of my life. I stop my dating hiatus to get to know him and now he is M.I.A. I wonder aloud if maybe there was something I have somehow been a catalyst for his disappearing act. I did everything he asked and more yet now he is gone. I feel like a foolish girl for opening up my heart to someone who I always thought wanting nothing more than my body. I always knew deep down I was his fantasy girl and I guess the reality of who I am killed his euphoric desires. I should have known it was the beginning of the end when he asked me why I never tired to talk to him when he was the one pursuing me all this time. Even worse than that I thought he was The One. Perish the thought; I thought he was meant for me. But would the man meant for me really ask what the freakiest thing I have done is. Correct me if I am wrong but the man for me would never want to imagine me with another man.

There were so many signs that I chose to ignore. I never trust my own instinct. Sometimes I wonder if I truly know what is best for me. People in my life always say don’t look for him he will find you. Well I am tired of being found by men would mean me no good. Tired of being sidelined and bestowed the title of mistress. I am better than being an entrée on the side. During my hiatus I learned I am more than my body, I have a heart and soul that longed to be respected as well. I learned to respect all three and even while I was choosing to date this man I decided not to have a Plan B so may call it foolish but I did not want to be emotionally vested in more than one man as I have always done in the past. Although, all this time I have been single I would tell potential suitors I was taken. It was easier than explaining my boo was too far away to be here and I was holding him down no matter what. Some told me I was foolish for engaging in a long distance relationship but I did not care what they thought they had someone and I had no one so I was going to pursue it anyway. He has pursued me since adolescence so I thought it best to see this thing through. I had everything riding on this hope and dream that love had finally found me.

I thought wow no man waits this long just to have sex with me. Naïveté definitely set in during this last month. Some men will go through great lengths because the power of the cookie is that strong in their mind. It felt good to not have to hide anything I felt refreshed. I was preparing for him to come and see me. I have known him forever was I infatuated with him or just the thought that love had found me finally after 7 years. I bore everything into him told him things about me wanting to be nothing but honest. He said there is no such thing as moving too fast yet me emotions faster than ever before. I envisioned so much with him and none of it will come to fruition. He admired me intellect but our conversations were purely sexual. I know I should have walked away when his actions screamed at me he just wanted sex. Why did I ignore all the red flags? I rode down a road that said yield, then caution road out ahead, and I went off the cliff and now after getting out of the rubble I wonder how I ended up here again. Damn!

Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life if I am blessed to be married will it be in old age. Yet I know one thing for certain I have to get my shit together. I lost track of everything and my only focus was him. I had bigger fish to fry and my sole purpose was to convince him I was The One. I am Mrs. Right. Yet all along he already had someone she never left. I was never even thought of as being his girl in his mind. I was just this longtime crush that he never conquered. When he wouldn’t call me for days he would ask when he called how did you sleep? What an arrogant asshole! You love to see me fawning foolishly over you. You love to see a woman like me hurt and downtrodden.

Well I have picked myself up again and going back to my dating hiatus. My esteem took a serious hit than needs intensive care to repair. I need to stop thinking that a man will complete me the only man with that type of power is God. I have to be a boss in my thinking. I must achieve my goals and set out to accomplish so many things and I will not accomplish shit running behind an unworthy man. Why was he so deserving of my time and attention? Truth is lips never met and our bodies never collided yet my mental was more than receptive to the idea that was him.

So I am single again but I am no longer accepting applications. Not because I am bitter but because I want to be better. I don’t want to rebound I want to regroup. A good friend of mine watched me tear up and comforted me with tough love. Those who know and love me want me to focus on me and nothing else. They see a wounded solider who is allowing herself to be preyed upon but self-serving people. People whose agendas are clear and evident in their actions but foolishly I settle for what I can get. I don’t deserve better at this point because I don’t want better. I just want a warm body next to me.

I am better now that I released all that emotion. I want to call him and call him out for being a coward by ignoring me. I am not mad just disappointed in me for not holding firm to what I knew to be true. He was going to come here and lay with me. That was his only goal.  He never meant to be anything more than a roll in the hay. I was in love with love not him. I was in love with the idea of being in love again.

Why do we allow ourselves to be lead as sheep to the slaughter? Why don’t we fight for so much more? Share your thoughts below.

Undefeated

Welcome LoverzQuarrel Readers… we have a guest blogger today. Ladies we get to get some insider info so pay attention.

Introducing Aug Dash…

The late Rick James coined the phrase, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug” maybe he got it wrong.  Hear me out, I’m not speaking from personal experience, but I do recognize the powerful and addictive effects of cocaine, but the initial interaction is a choice made by a particular person.  Two wise men from Moncks Corner, South Carolina the phrase, “The nootsie (pussy) is undefeated,” on their radio show and it stuck with me.  Once I digested the statement in its entirety, all I could say was “Damn.”

The lack of an initial choice makes the urge an impossible opponent.  The beginning is upon a prepubescent male the first time he finds himself erect without a cause.  It is from that day on that the chase for nootsie begins.  Now speaking from personal experience, growing up if the wind blew through my shorts at the right time, things happened.  The randomness of the flaccidity of the prepubescent phallus is both embarrassing and uncontrollable, but what drives it and how strong is the attraction?

**Disclaimer**

Please do not twist the meaning of this post as an excuse for choices made by men in the past, present, and future. 

**Disclaimer end**

The urge affects the rich, just look at the athletes, entertainers, politicians, and executives felled by the irresistibility of the urge.  Bill Clinton, check.  Jesse James check.  Tiger Woods, check, check, check.  All three with decent (for their age group) looking wives all fell prey, but I say they weren’t chasing women, it just so happens that women own the nootsie.

Regular (not rich) men find themselves in predicaments connected to nootsie as well.  In my day, I need all fingers and toes to count the times where I was wrong…I mean dead wrong in the areas of town I traveled to, how I got there, my intentions, sometimes I didn’t even like the person but it kept calling me and calling me.  How do you say no to something often imitated but never duplicated?

**Disclaimer**

Please do not twist the meaning of this post as an excuse for choices made by men in the past, present, and future. 

**Disclaimer end**

It’s not only men, as I am sure many of you have noticed the popularity of or same sex couples prevalent in society.  I say love is love (I’m not judging) some women feel the pull as well.

Some dudes will say I’m not like, to them I ask, have you ever said no to someone that you felt an attraction?  Of course we will hide behind our committed status (girlfriend, fiancé, or wife) but the urge is still there and if tested I mean really tested I wonder.  I know I could paint a scenario that would change many answers (at a later date).

I’ll wrap this up with these:

Various forms of cocaine served as dental anesthesia, (octocaine, lidocaine, and mepivacaine) they never use nootsie.

After prohibition, laws came about legalizing alcohol sales and consumption because men can tax, control and somewhat resist it…no such laws for nootsie. 

(Morals aside)  Imagine if all the women in the world got together and sold it for $50 a pop (when projecting money made through business I always project low, just saying).  The average pop would last what 20-25 minutes, maybe?  Say she puts in six hours a day, that’s $600 a day.  They would be the richest company in the world because of repeat customers the demand would never die.  They would be recession proof because men can’t resist.  (This could be why it’s not legal, lack of male control without looking like pimps).

Yep it’s undefeated.

Thoughts?

Sisterly Love

So I have been thinking lately about how awkward I feel in social settings with women. I am not inept yet I feel extremely uncomfortable. When I encounter a group of women I feel a strong sense of apprehension. The encounter is often met with fear and trepidation.

 

I have often wondered why I feel so uncomfortable around women. Part of it is distrust and bad experiences. In my past the women I have encountered were egotistical, riddled with insecurities most of which they wanted to inflict upon others, and self-loathing. I am the first to admit I am painfully insecure as well as anti-social. But I will admit among women I don’t often feel a sense of welcoming. I often feel I am being sized up and judged right there on the spot. Now I will be honest I have a few women in my life that are ideal friends for me. I often long to be who they are strong, independent, beautiful and most of all secure with who they are. They never need to tear me down or try to impress the man I am with, they don’t make me feel ugly I feel beautiful in their presence. I will admit part of my fear of women has to due with a lack of understanding of myself.

 

Yet I feel that we as women need to learn to help not hurt each other. It is like you grew up with body image issues and you grew into a beautiful, voluptuous woman yet you never shed your insecurities and you tear down your “friend” that is slim and never had body image issues saying you never want to be that skinny. Constantly, berating her for being slim like you she cannot help the way she was born. Or, better scenario constantly trying to outdo one another. A friendly competition is fine, cute even but constant battle is not cool at all. I will never forget I was out one night and met a nice-looking guy we were vibing really well. Anyway I walked away from him to talk to my girls. He was afraid to dance so I told him when he was ready I would be one the dance floor. Well he worked up the courage and came to dance with me we were dancing when my “friend” pulled him away. He came back then she yanked him away. He tried to come back I told him no she really wants to dance with you. Funny thing is he was interested in our girl that wasn’t dancing.

 

We need to respect one another although I am surprised at this one. There is no loyalty or respect amongst us anymore. Our girlfriends will come to us pouring her heart out and as soon as we get we put her business on blast to as many as possible. Yet you claim you are her best friend. Recently, I cleaned out my closet and let a lot of demons out of my life. It was bittersweet because I really lost someone who I felt was a sister to me. I love her dearly but her actions became unbearable. I kept sweeping them under the rug till one night I had enough. Women stop being afraid to air out your grievances with one another versus taking it to someone else. Take it straight to the source. We talk at not to one another. Always ready to fight learn to love.

 

Needless to say there is a serious need for reparations among women. We truly need to delve deep and explore why we exhibit this self-deprecating behavior. We need to realize this behavior only hurt ourselves. Trying to hurt me will only hurt you in the end. I just want to love you sister and heal both our hurts. Talk about what is really bothering us. I know with those friend I had she was just as insecure as me if not more and I felt sorry for her. I wished she would learn to love herself so she could love me too. Where is the love among us? Don’t be scare to hug each other. Comfort one another. Have you hugged a woman today?

Object of my Forgiveness

Freaky Friday: What is the wildest act your cheating mate performed to prove his/her undying love for you? Can a relationship survive infidelity? After a partner cheats, can the love survive the broken bond between the two of you?

You are with your man and you have had found out he cheated on you. You are hurt as well overwhelmed by the pain heartbreak brings. Questions burst out of you like a damn that has reached it’s breaking point. Naively you question the fact wondering if you were good enough for him instead of understanding the fact he just proved himself unworthy by committing this heinous act.

 How do you move past this?

 These feelings seem to envelope your heart and seal it shut.

Can your love for him remain the same?

As your heart began to harden and trust goes out the window can forgiveness be found before your heart is immersed in concrete. Anger about the fact often breeds insecurity.

I had a former love cheat on me and I thought I could forgive him. I tried to look at the act as water flowing under a newly built bridge. Yet thoughts of her and him raced through my mind everyday. It got to a point where I was so riddled with hate and contempt for the both of them I went to her job to confront her. I had no idea what I was going to say because in all actuality I did not want to say anything. All I knew was I was hurting and I want someone else to feel my pain preferably someone who inflicted it upon me. I got there and her and I were face to face and she could not even look at me. I want to say so much but the words could not form at my speechless lips.

There she was the woman who for so long had no face merely she was simply a name which ignited anger in me. What did she have that I did not? Why wasn’t I enough for him?

As I write this I want to let you know that it took me years to move past what happened. For a long time I would see her and just wanted her to look me in the eyes and explain how she could sleep with the man she knew was mine. I wanted to know why she thought her needs were more important than mine? Why did he care for her more than me?

I will be honest it took a lot of years and tears for me to move past what happened between them. Seeing them together after our breakup stung deep like a knife wound to my heart.

Forgiveness was a hard lesson to learn. I had to accept that there was nothing I could have done to prevent him from cheating. Also, I had to accept that I am worthy of unconditional, pure love. I forgave him because my heart was hemorrhaging from all the hurt his selfishness caused. I tried to hold onto to the good our relationship had produced. The truth was our time had passed and we were holding onto a memory that had since faded.

You can forgive but you can never forget. Even when I write this piece the pain I felt the day I found out he was cheating still seems so raw as if it happened yesterday. That is why although I have forgiven him I have decided that I cannot allow him back into my heart. No amount of tears or kisses can make his indiscretion dissipate from my memory. As much as I want what we once had I have to be realistic and keep things in perspective for me. For me this act what far too great and cost me way too much. I refuse to let my guard down again for him.

Cheating makes trust a hard thing to give to someone. You cannot blame every man for the foolishness of one. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.