Letter to Wifey

Side Note: The Woman’s Worth series is about a dialogue between women. This week’s is addressing the tale of two women, the main woman and the other woman. Here is my take on being the other woman in a man’s life. Share your thoughts below.

Dear Wifey,

Hello, how are you? I hope that this letter finds you in good spirits.

Unfortunately, I would like to air out some grievances that I have with you. This is a conversation woman to woman; so please respond with an open mind. Some things I say here may shed light on the truth of our ugly situation.

First, let me introduce myself; I am the other woman in your man’s life. I am here because he invited me here. I am his woman on the side and I am quite content with that. I get what I want from this relationship and, contrary to popular belief, our relationship revolves around more than just sex. I am not here to judge you, so I ask you to stop judging me. People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

Now that I have gotten the pleasantries out the way, let’s get down to business. I am not some scandalous hood-rat running around on a mission to take someone’s man. I am a woman just like you and I am angry because somehow everyone wants to throw dirt on my name by labeling me a jump-off as a means of demeaning and devaluing me. I am a woman that knows what she wants and that is a relationship with no strings attached. Unfortunately, often I have been erroneously named a jump-off when, often, there is no woman to speak of in his life. Now that is not fair! Why can’t we just be friends with benefits?

Why should I apologize for making an informed decision to be the woman whom he consensually decides to be intimate with? Did it ever occur to you that I was here long before the thought of you was even conjured up? Now ruminate on those questions, if you will. I do not want this to be a scathing letter to you. But woman to woman, I pity you; at least I truly know who he is and what he represents. He is not deceiving me with his lies. Let’s face facts; I know more about him than you do.

Everyone wants to label me as the one who ruined your relationship. Well, what about your man? He chose me. Believe it or not, I was minding my own business when he came along and let me add without any mention of you.  Once I knew about you, I stepped back; but he pursued me even more aggressively. I tried to remain strong in my position, but girl you know how convincing he is.  So he was able to reel me in and bring me back into his world.
Despite what you think, I am more than
his girl on the side. He tells me everything: his heartache, pain, his goals. I support him in all his endeavors; I never spoil his dreams or his fun. I know my place and I stay in my lane. I do not want to fill your shoes. To be honest, I do not want to commit to a liar and a cheater. If he cared so much, he would care enough to leave before ever cheating at all.

I want you to walk in my shoes and see things through my eyes. We had a relationship that worked perfectly until he decided two was better than one.  The emphasis was on “he decided”.  Initially, this was supposed to be a situation where there were no strings attached. Yet, he managed to attach himself to me and I fell for him. I like what I have; I enjoy our stolen moments and do not ask for anything more. I am aware of who you are and whose you are. You belong to him not I.  I can leave at any time. Yet, he will not allow me to move on. He is so selfish that if he cannot have me, no one can.

I am closing this letter now. I have said more than enough. I hope that, by this point in the letter, you understand my plight a little better. And although we never are going to be allies, maybe you can at least sympathize with me a little and understand why I stayed with him despite you coming along.

 

Should a Crush be a Potential Mate?

Should a crush always be a potential mate? Or should they just remain a crush?

I have a crush on someone right now. I dream of him often and I wonder why even in my dreams if he should become my reality. His name is not important but it’s his characteristics that are profound to me. One of my sisters asked me what were the qualities he possesses and does he meet the criteria for a potential mate. I did some introspection and realized I am enamored with him mentally and physically.

But I question whether or not he should be more than a crush. I am not comfortable pursuing him due to the fact that I am not ready to say or act as if I am the caliber of woman he desires and deserves. I have work to do. I am going to drop some gems that should help us discern whether or not a crush should/should not be a potential mate.

Here are a few tips:

1.       Are the two of you compatible?

While I know that some of us believe that opposites attract, I believe people with an abundance of commonalities tend to thrive better and have more lasting relationships. My crush and I share a few common threads we are ambitious, driven, passionate, especially about the Lord and we pursue our dreams no matter what. We also enjoy an intellectually stimulating conversation. We love to flex our brain muscles.

2.       Can you be friends first?

How would you feel about just being friends before things get intense? Can you talk to him/her about a variety of topics and find common ground? One of my most successful relationships to date lasted for years because we were friends first. We hung out and really bonded. We understood how imperative it was to really connect with each other mentally before anything else came into play. We wanted a rock solid foundation set in place to truly achieve longevity in our relationship.
 
3.       Be honest about what you want from the beginning.

Too many times we compromise what we want and settle for what we can get. Keep what you want in the forefront at all times. It saves a lot of wasted time and effort. Reiterate what you want when there is not any confusion later on.

4.       Always know where you stand.

The only risk with this is sometimes you may find yourself standing alone. You always want to know your position in any relationship. We often know where we stand with someone but we still try to play coy as if we are not aware. Trust me this can save you from both a headache and heartache.

5.       Ask questions learn more about him/her.

Study them know their full background. Trust your own research. We tend to not ask questions because the truth is, we cannot handle the truth. This will help rule a crush in/out. Do you want to live with a fantasy or grow with the reality of who he/she is?

6.       Be observant!

Know how they interact in all settings. This is very telling of who he/she is. I have seen my crush in many different elements and he has been the same gracious, humble, intentional and intelligent all the time. Many times we ran into one another accidentally and yet he is still the same which is so refreshing.

7.       Actions speak louder than words

Listen to his/her words but hear their actions. Actions speak volumes. This is very telling. I know for a fact my crush moves in silence but the steps he makes are profound and unforgettable they leave an indelible memory.

These are just a few tips that should help you decide whether or not your crush should be a potential mate. 

Now I am sure you are wondering why I am not actively pursuing my crush. Well to be honest at the moment he is not  unavailable. He is dating someone and I respect that. Even if he were single, I am working on myself and my career. I am focused and do not want to come to him half-assed. He is worth the time and effort. I know that if I do not come correct I will quickly be dismissed.

Frankly, I do not know if he would be a potential mate if he were not involved because I don’t honestly know if I want him as more than a crush. I think I prefer to use his characteristics as a jumping board for a potential mate. Just because he is my crush doesn’t necessarily mean he should be my man.

Do you have a crush? Can you see yourself pursuing him/her romantically? Or would you want them to remain a crush? Share your thoughts below.

 

Value You!

This is the hardest post I have ever written to date.  One thing about being a relationship blogger I am careful not to give advice or crown myself a connoisseur of dating issues. I am a fumbling mess when it comes to dating and my bad days outweigh my good. I have been in “situationships” longer than I have been in relationships. So know when I speak on something it is through learning my lesson the hard way by learning from my own mistakes. In my past I would hear the experiences of others and still be stubborn enough to make the same bad decision that they did often with worse consequences.

Today I am writing because when I first heard this K. Michelle/Idris Elba saga I felt torn with my emotions. First of all I think Idris is an Adonis so I was green with envy that K. Michelle had snagged him. I digress back to why I am writing this. Initially, I thought to myself why is she kissing and telling that is so tacky. But when I investigated further I found that she was considered his “jump-off” mistress her words not his. She was well aware that she was going to be his girl on the side yet she got wrapped up emotionally anyway. When she loved she loved hard. I could resonate with her emotions and I understand how she got wrapped up emotionally.

As I mentioned earlier I have been in a “situationship” for lack of a better term where I was the girl on the side. Begrudgingly I accepted this role knowing in the back of my mind that 80% of the time I wanted more. Yet I would take a man in any form I could have him. I was will to have a part of him when I knew I would give all of me. I refuse to accept the idea that I deserved better than that. Sure I knew I was just an option that was dying to be a priority but I remained steadfast and unmovable in this awful role. I am writing this because I feel compelled to reach out to my sisters that are in these situations where they accept being just friends. I feel hurt that we sell ourselves short by accepting being a potential partner rather than a potential mate. We want and will take a man in any form we can get him. Then there is the nerve that there are rules to these friends with benefits situation. But I don’t want to discuss them the point of this piece is to address the underlying issues of lack of self-love and self-esteem.

It all boils down to how you feel about you. When you love yourself you will not accept being just an option. You will know that you deserve the top spot or no spot at all.  Yes I fooled myself into thinking I could be like the guys and be void of any emotional attachments. 20% I “succeeded” but when I “succeeded” it was because I had become numb emotionally and refused to allow any man to penetrate my emotional walls. The 80% was usually when I thought I could change his mind as if I could convince him that I deserve the top spot although clearly he did not want to bestow me that honor. I accepted the fact that I was going enough to sleep with but not be with.

Our bodies are sacred and should not be trifled through by any man. We should respect ourselves to honor our temple. We minimalize its worth and stuff our emotions. Why not be truthful and say you know what I want a man to myself that is not emotionally unavailable that will be all for me? We don’t want to admit this to ourselves because we want to fill the status quo of women that can be like a man and not form any emotional attachments. They actually see benefits to these situations. You get the body not the mind how rewarding is that. How many more time are we going to cover our bodies up with unrequited love?

There is nothing enlightening about being someone on the side. No one will ever commit to you and love you the way you so desperately want to be loved. No one! Because you don’t value you so why should they. Don’t expect from others what you aren’t willing to give to yourself.

How many of us are mothers? Would we want our daughters being playthings? We would teach them to value themselves more. We place them and their hearts on a sacred pedestal to only be shared with someone who is worthy. So why don’t we do the same for ourselves? Some us of us should be single because we need to find comfort within ourselves and stop looking for validation from someone who does not truly value who we are. Attention is nothing without a man’s appreciation of you. So be the change you want to see. Appreciate and value you. When he sees that you care a great deal for yourself he either will approach you like the queen you are or not step to you at all because he will know you deserve better than his scraps.

I know some will say friends with benefits are an ideal situation. But just what are you settling for. And as Dr. Phil would say “how is that working for you”? What are the benefits please indulge my curiosity? What are you gaining from being emotionally unattached to someone you give yourself so freely? Please know I am not judging any of you. I just don’t want you wasting years and tears on someone that doesn’t waste an afterthought on you. Value yourself more.

Please ladies I am just asking you to do some introspection and write down what you value most in yourself and what you need to work on. If you feel so inclined please e-mail me at loverz.quarrel@gmail.com  and we can discuss it further. I really want you all to know I care so much because I was there where you are now.  If you want to be a Queen respect yourself like one!

Are you struggling with issues of self-love and self-esteem? Let me know by sharing your thoughts below.

When you love you then you can love him/her

 

This morning I saw a quote “Many of us don’t know how to let someone love us, we let our scars make us defensive and push people away.” Why do we push away those that love us the most? I was once guilty of this. I would purposely sabotage a relationship because I was scared of having someone love me flaws and all when I did not accept myself in that form. You see when I did not love me; I could not love anyone else.

When I deemed myself unworthy of love in its purest form I pushed away any semblance of love. I would purposely date men that were emotionally unavailable because I was numb to emotional attachments. I hated anything to do with true intimacy. I avoided emotional connections. It was because in my state of mind I did not love who I was and did not want anyone else to love me either. When you don’t love yourself you accept almost anything. I would settle for being the girl on the side and I do not mean because he had a girlfriend either in most cases we were both single but we would settle for being “friends” and I would just accept that. Never grasping how can one immediately dismiss a potential mate and compartmentalize them into the friends with benefit category. I would never question aloud I would just go with it.

To be honest I did not feel I deserve their love but I wanted their attention so badly. When I felt lonely and wanted to be held I settled for the physical even though in that moment I needed the emotional. I read some of my old posts and I see remnants of a shattered soul. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I could not even look myself in the mirror without breaking down emotionally. I did not love myself at all.

Thank goodness I have moved on from that dark place and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. As Kendrick Lamar’s song says “I Love Myself”. At the point I will not entertain the idea of being a girl on the side. I deserve to be the lady in his life.  If that spot is not the goal then I do not want to take part in it at all. I am more likely to dismiss a man now when I see signs of him trying to place me in the friends with benefits zone. How audacious of someone to be so egotistical and think I would want to be their girl on the side? You are offering me crumbs and you want me to grovel at that I think not.

I refuse to settle for being an option. I could say they don’t know my story or the things that I have been through. I refuse to be typecast by any man. I am too good to be your girl on the side. With that being said moving forward I cannot entertain anyone that I ever accepted that role from. They will always look at me in that awful light.

Do you push away love because you feel unworthy? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below.