Has courtship lost it’s luster to dating?

Has courtship lost its shine since casual dating is so prevalent? Do we cover the bases anymore or do we immediately knock it out the park? First, let’s explore what courtship entails:

1.       Courting One on One.

         Try courting one person at a             time.

2.       Let the man lead the way.

          Ladies let him drive.

3.       Take it one base at a time.

You don’t have to save it for marriage but at least commit your mind and heart before your bodies collide.

Now let’s explore what dating entails:

1.       Dating is for sport so get more than one player involved.

Dating should be with as many people as you can juggle without feeling overwhelmed. Dating is non-committal although if you date more than one person how can really connect emotionally to know if they are worth the commitment.

2.       Set clear boundary lines.

Always make it clear where you stand and what you want. Never compromise on that. It would be nice if you two (or three) were on the same page but as we know this is not a perfect world.

3.       Move On or Move Out

Once you have set boundaries you’ll know whether or not you two are moving in the same direction. If so proceed cautiously if not keep dating and have fun!

Now for both dating and courtship there are many differences. For example dating is a temporary place versus courtship being an actual relationship. When dating you maintain a single status until you decide to take it to the next level. The goals are different too when in courtship the goal is marriage and in dating the goal is getting to know you.  In dating your relationship is open to interpretation friends with benefits, just friends, or boyfriend-girlfriend. In courtship you become best friends because the goal again is a lifetime mate.

On many levels dating has took the shine off of courting and basically making it obsolete.  We need to stop rushing to the bedroom and try taking our time making it out the altar. That is why we have so many failed marriages we do not connect like we should. That is why it entails commitment before intimacy. No one is saying wait forever but really get to know a person don’t connect physically with someone you don’t know emotionally. When two people are intimate at least one if not both walk away connected. It is not as simple as a roll in the hay and then you dust yourself off.

Has dating taken away the shine of courtship? Would you like a courtship or do you prefer to date? Which do you practice? Share your thoughts below.

 

Can a relationship survive without an argument?

Is arguing a natural part of every relationship? Arguing in a relationship is one of those things I detest. I always felt like arguing always leads to a physical altercation. I do not like to argue because I feel like I cannot think when a verbal exchange goes awry. Yet I am learning daily that an argument is a necessary evil.

I feel like you have to argue every now and then as long as it is a clean fight. No name calling or hitting below the belt. I think the problem with arguing is we don’t want to be vulnerable so we fight dirty. Instead of saying when you yell at me about wanting to go out with my friends it makes me feel like you don’t respect our time apart we say you are too controlling and possessive. We are often afraid to say how we truly feel. How will our needs ever get met if we never say what we really want?

I believe that arguing is a natural part of every relationship. It is natural because we don’t always communicate our feelings very well. Let me give you another example my boyfriend would have an issue with me going to bars, social clubs, or anywhere else to do poetry. Instead of telling me this he would argue with me every time I went to do a show. Now I could have said you are being selfish and getting in the way of my dream. But I fell on my sword and said to him these are the places where these shows are held you are more than welcome to come along and watch me perform there. We are not perfect but I have learned how to fight fair. I have learned that talking about how I really feel helps us tremendously.

We still have arguments like other couples but the goal is always the same to get our needs met in a fair way. I think the key to less arguing is more communicating how you feel about various issues. Don’t be afraid to bring them up don’t wait till all hell breaks loose to come out with guns blazing. It is not fair to either of you always if you have to argue keep it clean. You are only allowed to talk about what is bothering you in that moment. Don’t rehash old fights it takes away from the matter at hand.  If you cannot keep it clean then keep silent until cooler heads prevail. You have to be willing to listen in a way that you are receptive to what your mate is saying.

 

Does arguing feel unnatural to you? Why or why not? How do you fight? Share your thoughts below.

 

The Difficulty of being Faithful

Why is being faithful so difficult? For some of us being faithful is innate it is in our DNA the thought of straying doesn’t enter your mind like it does for someone like me. I don’t want to go against the grain but somehow temptation is harder to fight for those like me. Some cheat simply because they can or do it because they do not know how to conduct life without someone on the side. 

Being loyal just doesn’t come natural to some of us. We tried it and it just did not work out for whatever reason. I am not justifying our actions by any means just trying to get a better understanding of why we do what we do. I find faithfulness like patience as a virtue I have not fully grasped.  I know it is not right but I always have this fear in the back of my mind like he is cheating too. I just believe that since I struggle with being loyal that it must be difficult for him too. Now if I really narrowed it down I would say I cheat for three reasons lack of my man’s attention, emotional needs aren’t being met, and simply the fear of trusting my heart to any man. I know by admitting this it may mean that no man will trust me but I guess that is a risk I am willing to take.

Since we are being honest here is a little bit of truth for you I have been in a situation where my man gave me everything I wanted but I still longed to be somewhere else.  I always get caught up in these situations where the last man was emotionally unavailable so I went on to being with someone who was emotionally giving. Someone that was not afraid to show love for me.  Someone that was actually proud to have me on his arm.  Yet for some reason I sought out someone else to fill a void I needed a Plan B. I was not comfortable resting my laurels or eggs in one basket.

If I were truly honest I would admit I often settle for Plan A because Plan B did not work in my favor. My disloyal ways are both egregious and unfair. I know that word Karma is floating around in there somewhere.  But I am not afraid of what she has in store for me because I know I rightfully deserve it. My sis Jazz said if I get a good Plan A then I won’t need a Plan B. I cannot be faithful until I stop settling. I guess that means being single for a little bit longer to be able to truly introspect and define what I want and need.

Do you struggle with being faithful? Why is being faithful such a struggle? Share your thoughts below.

 

Are you too immature to date?

Are you too immature for a relationship? Some of us struggle with handling the ebbs and flow of a relationship. We struggle with being a “we” versus just “me”.  Especially, those who have not had mature relationships to learn from. I will put myself out there I am inept when it comes to relationships. I am not clueless but I am a major work in progress.

 

The other day I was asked what is the most important thing you have done for a mate? I drew a complete blank or did I? I knew the answer I just did not have the gall to say it aloud. Even now I am hesitant to say all I have been willing to offer willingly was just the physical. Wow I really just said it. I get so frustrated I wanted to say I am supportive, attentive, I listen and give feedback when he talks, I cook, clean and everything. But quite frankly I do not do much. My longest relationship was a tumultuous year, and saying tumultuous is being kind. It was riddled in insecurity and resentment. I was with someone because I could not be with someone else. I settled and received more than I bargained for.

 

When asked that question I was hurt and offended, the nerve of me, to try and balk at the truth. It is hard writing this piece because I feel like you can see me naked right now. But I have to be honest with myself first and you. I am immature when it comes to relationships.  That may truly factor into why I have not had a successful one yet. I don’t give enough of myself emotionally. I do not risk being vulnerable I actually dread it. When it comes down to it I hold back a lot in a relationship. It is because I am afraid of being happy. I will self-sabotage like nobody‘s business. If he is fed up I just anticipate his departure I would shut him out rather than let him in. Trust me that was not easy to say of course you cannot see the tears in my eyes right now.  It is hard being this raw and honest. There is nothing factious about this I say this to help both you and I.

 

Listen I am the Queen of Pushing a Man away. Intentionally, I will push until it hurts, and ironically I will be disappointed when he has no fight left. Yes I am very immature when it comes to relationships. I hate the hard times when you have to open up and let them in.  Stay out of my heart and mind. I will allow him in physically yet remain numb emotionally. Sure I could blame it on my abusive past but I am a big girl now. I am to be accountable for my own mess. It is time for me to grow up. It is like I develop the fight or flight mode when my mate asks more of me and depending on how I feel that day I might just fight tooth and nail with him while mentally being at a stalemate. See the wonderful thing about me is I will push you far away too protect my heart. I am not afraid of being hurt in actuality I am afraid of being loved.  No man is strong enough to love me flaws and all I am too tough, too ornery for such a man.  If I think you are him I will break you down till you tire of me and just leave of your own volition. I am so arrogant in myself sabotage that it never occurs to me that I have the need to be loved by you.

 

I want you to love me but the scared side of me would rather push you away than love you right back. At this point I feel some serious introspection is needed to cure me of this need to flee from love. I finally learned to love me but I am terrified of allowing you to love me right back. I am afraid no matter how awesome I am to you; you will grow tired of me and want to leave so in my mind I want to beat you to the punch.  I am scared for you to see me flaws and all. I am terrified that this host of imperfections is unworthy of love outside of me. How do I combat that?

 

How do I allow someone in; into a place that is longing for love? I guess  I have to do more work on myself. I have to ride this thing out a little longer. I cannot just run and hide from love forever. Are you inept when it comes to relationships? Do you fight or flight when it comes to love? Share your thoughts below.

 

 

 

 

 

Inspire You!

Monday Motivation

Be Your Own Inspiration!

Who or what inspires you the most? Many times in life we look to people or things to inspire us. Whether it is inspirational quotes or stories from others, or things that bring us inspiration like stones or plaques? While these are nice and inspirational we need to look to ourselves for a good source of inspiration.

The most attractive power is self-motivation. Everyone loves a self starter. One who can get going without anyone else’s encouragement.  I will admit I am guilty of waiting for someone else to push me toward success. I use to be a go-getter so I know it is embedded in my soul. But for whatever reason at this point in my life I lack self-motivation. It is so discouraging. Everyone else is doing it for themselves yet I am just watching and waiting for some cosmic event to get me started on my journey. Lord knows I do not need anymore major pitfalls to catapult me into success. I have to truly believe I am destined for greatness. There is no rest for the great ones. I have to plug away while my mind and body is young and fresh. I have to make wiser decisions which will have a domino affect in my life. Too many times I have been afraid to execute an excellent plan of action because I was afraid it might actually work. What would happen if I could really attain something as invaluable as getting my license? Or regaining my financial freedom? I have to truly push myself more than ever. All my procrastinating keeps me in failure status.

You cannot get complacent in misery. It makes for a strange bedfellow. We call it the comfort zone when really it is a dead zone where dreams are deferred and failure is inevitable. You have to want more for yourself. What makes you truly happy? It cannot be money or love. What gives you peace of mind? What truly makes me happy is that I can have financial freedom by properly preparing my budget and sticking to it. Any extra money goes straight into savings. I can be happy knowing I have money for a rainy day. The peace of mind is that I can look to myself in my time of need. Self sufficiency feels good.

So start today what has been holding you back? What have you been afraid to embark on? Share your thoughts below. 

 

 

 

Black Girl Purging

I cannot remember if I ever posted this but last night I felt emotionally overwhelmed and had a strong urge to do this. Thankfully, I was able to ride the wave and not give in. Let me know what you think.

I know usually I talk about relationship issues but I wanted to get a little personal with you all. I want to touch on eating disorders and how I used to suffer from one. It is unusual at first glance to find a black girl with food issues. Or, at least that is what I told myself. Initially, I did not realize I had a problem I just followed my impulse.

It started years ago, I do not handle stress well and I would try to combat it by finding a source of relief a sense of control when I felt out of balance. I would eat to the point of combustion and then when I felt so full I would run to the bathroom and purge. I felt such a relief when I purged it seemed to take the stress away. I would do this in silence and for a while I did not think I was harming myself. I did not realize I had a dangerous food addiction. It brought me such comfort yet made me feel so disgusted with myself.

 Eventually I told my mother of my ritual for I could not do it in secrecy anymore. She brought me a sense of comfort and tried to convince me to stop but I just continued to do it I just would not tell her. I did not have a name for what I was doing and it was not a problem or so I thought. I hated that disgusting feeling when I would eat excessively and then purge instantly. I would always wait till the bathroom was empty so my shameful behavior would not be exposed.

 Recently, I received help for my purging. It finally had a name, it was called binge eating. I will admit when I first discovered I had a problem I was not surrounded by those who look like me and it made me feel so alone. I felt as if I was the only black girl alive doing this nonsense. Yet the woman in me knows that I am not the only one so I need to tell my story to help my love sisters combat this dangerous disease. It is like ignoring the pink elephant in the room. It will not go away and we have to tackle it before it destroys us all.

Now for me it had nothing to do with weight issues it was more of an emotional thing. Mentally, I felt out of control and food is where I thought I could bring some sense of balance back into my life. I was stuck in emotional mind and became of victim of impulse. I am thankful I sought help so this pattern does not continue past me to my daughter. I am better equipped with how to handle things if she were to pick up this same behavior. I pray the cycle begins and ends with me.

Side note: I wrote this blog some years back and never posted it. I was terrified to share it at that time. But now I know why this story needs to be told. I have suffered with binge eating for quite some time. Last night was the first time in years I felt the urge to binge eat. I cooked salmon, fried rice, and corn on the cob. I ate dinner and then all of a sudden emotion poured over me. I felt emotionally overwhelmed from day to day things. I felt out of balanced and wanted to relieve myself hence purging. My boyfriend kept asking what is wrong so I explained to him my issue we went for a drive and stopped at 7-11 I did not get anything because I did not want to give into the urge. I decided to try positive self-talk and I kept using my wise mind. It was a temporary feeling and it would pass just ride it out and I made it through. Now I am feeling that way again so I am writing it out instead of running to purge. I have an issue with control when I feel out of balance food is where I feel I can have control. As I sit hear I want to snack to the point of combustion and then purge. I am speaking out because in our community it is taboo. You don’t hear about black girls purging. I want to combat this feeling. Please if you or anyone you know suffers from an eating disorder please share your thoughts below. Thanks!

Is he husband material?

Excellent Essence article

10 Signs He Has What It Takes to Be Your Husband

Is he husband material or just another date?

Does he have a plan or vision?

Is he reliable?

Does he demonstrate selflessness?

Does he believe in you too?

Is he comfortable in his own skin?

Does he fight fair?

Do his values match yours?

Does he complement your personality?

Are you physically attracted to him?

Are you better with him than without him?

Courtesy of the Modern Day Matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson