Excellent Essence article
10 Signs He Has What It Takes to Be Your Husband
Is he husband material or just another date?
Does he have a plan or vision?
Is he reliable?
Does he demonstrate selflessness?
Does he believe in you too?
Is he comfortable in his own skin?
Does he fight fair?
Do his values match yours?
Does he complement your personality?
Are you physically attracted to him?
Are you better with him than without him?
Courtesy of the Modern Day Matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson
Are you tired of dating bitter black men?Men that have been crushed emotionally who decide to spit their venom back at you. A woman tries to be good to you and as soon as she makes a mistake in your eyes you are ready to dismiss her. Anger is a healthy emotion when someone hurts you it is ok to be anger not bitter.
So many of my brothers have been hurt and are taking it out on good sisters. This twisted affection is used as a defense mechanism. She gives all her love unconditionally and yours comes with stipulations. It is time to grow up and talk about what is really bothering you my brothers. Walking around with an enormous chip on your shoulder will not suffice. You have to communicate your feelings and not withhold them from your mate. She is not superwoman she is human and makes mistakes and surprisingly so do you. So now what you are bitter because of your past you let a good woman get away and wonder why you are by yourself. How is that for contradiction?This is the first time I have written in my emotion. Usually I cry it out but I am all cried out. I am tired of being the fall guy for the indiscretions of another woman who did not care. I am being punished for caring when I love I love hard. But before I become a bitter black woman I will move on. It will hurt but I cannot stay joined to someone who is so angry. Fickle love is fleeting. You do not care about my tears I hurt you so they are well deserved. You systematically shut me out and then wonder why I walk off. I can only take so many blows till your anger knocks me out cold.
In my past I settled for what I can get just for the sake of saying I had a man. Settling is no longer an option. We cannot discuss what is really bothering you leaving her defenseless and having you constantly attacking her verbally breaking her spirit. As much as I have been through I probably should never give love a chance ever again but I know I am a queen worthy of a king who will not want to crush me ever. Who would hurt to know he hurt me? Not someone who feels like hitting me when I am already down. I messed up and we need to get past it together. Sometimes we hold in things when they happen versus addressing them head on. We allow our anger to fester and then explode. Bi-polar love is never successful one minute you want her and the next you don’t. It is a numbing experience.
Love has hurt you my brother you need time to heal. I cannot heal your broken heart from past hurt. I am not your superwoman as much as I want to rescue you I cannot save someone who wants to drown in misery. I love you but I love me more. I need a man who can verbalize how he feels whether disappointed or happy. One who can talk to me a friend in both good and bad times and love me unconditionally. Yes we are a host of imperfections but still worth loving as are you. Sometimes brothers you are so angry that you banish love and do not feel deserving of her. When she tries to comfort you, you shun her for misery is your comforting bedfellow. It is a sad state of affairs. Do you want to spend all your time being bitter and angry leaving you all alone?
You cannot blame one woman for what another woman has done. I have not been in a serious relationship in eight years and I have learned so much about myself and love. I refuse to settle for an angry black man. I am sorry she hurt you but I just want to love you. At the end of the day we both have to bring something worthy to the table. If anger is all you have then I am moving on from you. Love you from a distance I do not want to be numb the man for me is out there and will not subject me to such abuse. He will accept my pure and unadulterated love. And when I piss him off we will discuss he will not shut down on me emotionally. We will disagree but we will do it without defaming one another. Without attacking one another. Without scarring one another. And sometimes we will just agree to disagree. Fight fair!
I want a successful relationship set on a strong foundation I want to communicate my feelings and allow you to communicate yours. My brother you deserve to be happy whether you believe it or not. Yes she hurt you but now you are hurting me does that appease you taking your anger on an innocent love. You cannot allow me to love you if you feel unworthy.
Are you dating a bitter black man?
How is that working for you? Share your thoughts below.
What lies have your mother told you about dating? One of
classic ones that my mother told me when I was being bullied by boys in my neighborhood was “baby they like you and they just don’t know how to say it”. This of course confused my adolescent rationale. In my mind the guy that likes me would never be mean to me, but I also knew better than to think that I could outwit my mom. So growing up I figured when a guy was mean to me it was his awkward way of masking his true feelings of infatuation. Now as I am saying this I realize what a farce this little white lie was. Yet when my daughter approached me about a boy teasing and harassing her I almost told her the lie thank God I chose to digress. I do not want to confuse my daughter and fill her head with my misguided dating myths. I want her to learn to trust her instincts first and foremost if he is being mean to her it should not be tolerated at any standpoint.
Mothers we have to stop feeding our daughters these lies about men. We cannot coddle them with deception for they will be defenseless in the dating game. How can they protect themselves from despicable behavior if they believe it is actually admiration?Let’s be honest if a man is mean to you he unequivocally does not LIKE YOU. The man that wants you will show his admiration for you and will never send mixed messages. Ladies we have to call as we see it because our instincts do not lie to us. When I was growing up and being picked on the boys did not like me for some reason I was the unwanted target of conjecture and ridicule. The man that likes me would NEVER subject me to such cruel and unusual punishment.
As a mother, I understand the need to protect our child. But the best way to protect them is to liberate them with the truth. Use your experiences as a way to absolve them of any doubt as to how a man should treat a woman. Arm them with the truth so they always value their worth. Deceiving them is the worse thing because it makes them putty in a cunning person’s hands. Remember knowledge is power; truth will always remain solid, and unwavering under all circumstances. Now I know I can say that most of these myths come from families that are without father figures. I know this because when my father speaks to me as an adult it is pure and unadulterated fact when it comes to dealing with men knowledge in which I wish I could have possessed years ago which would have been used a safeguard against the games men play. Of course, this can be countered by the statement a man will only do what you allow him to. If you allow him to be mean to you while you treat him in a high regard then this behavior will continue. Yet, if you are equipped with the truth early on now I am not saying we as mothers are purposefully deceiving our daughters of course there is no malice intended on our parts. It is definitely not a conscious decision. We do it because we do not want to hurt them by telling them that boys are being rude for whatever reason they have a great disdain for our daughters. We need to inform them that they should stand up for themselves and inform these boys that their disrespect will no longer be tolerated and if they cannot show respect then they will be dismissed accordingly. I know it sounds harsh but boys need a taste of reality as well. For if they are to become men who respect women we owe it to them not to tolerate this type of behavior for they will only emulate it during their adult years and make horrible men to the women in their lives. We have to teach our daughters to respect their decision and not renege on their positions if they are to be held in a high regard.
We devalue their worth when we teach them that disrespect is admirable. Later in life this cripples our daughter. They grow up trying to prove their worth. They look for signs instead of listening to his actions. They are confused looking for love in all the wrong places. When a man treats them with admiration and respect they are befuddled and often mistakenly emasculate him for being kind. We often wait for the other shoe to drop because we do not value who we are. See that white lie we tell our daughters delves deeper than we ever imagined. It is essential to their mature growth that we arm them with the truth. It is imperative that we are aware any deception on our part will be detrimental to their emotional health and well being. They will often seek validation and never rely on their own judgment. They will never trust themselves because when they did in their youth they were wrong as we as mothers knew better. We never want to take away their ability to trust themselves otherwise it will be the blind leading the blind.
Furthermore, we have to teach them the rules of dating and not confuse them with exception to the rule. For if the exception were always true then there would be no need for the rule. Case in point, a man is with a woman for years and has not married her. The woman in the situation will conclude he is not interested in marrying her yet you as her mother may tell her he needs time, people change, and you or someone you know has known someone in a similar situation and the man in that situation did indeed marry said woman. Well that’s an exception and not the rule, in reality if a man wants to marry you he will. The indecisiveness you are feeling is on your part, his actions speak volumes. He does not want to marry you own that and move on. You have to trust yourself and no one else. Always remember that although there is an exception to every rule air on the side of caution and follow the rule.
You see by arming her with the truth will save her a lot of heartache and pain. The truth will inevitably set her free. We always say how we want to raise our daughters financially independent but we also must liberate them emotionally as well. We need them to be emotionally independent in this dating game. Let us focus on their overall well being. We need more women strong in the mind, body, and soul. Now am I saying arming them with the truth will absolve them or mishaps in love? No, but they will be more aware of the pitfalls of dating. We should teach them that “the man who wants you nothing will keep him away, and a man that does not want you nothing will make him stay.”
What pre-conceived notions did you form about dating from the teachings’ of your mother? Share your thoughts below.
Single Ladies I need you front and center. I need you to pull out your notebooks and take plenty of notes for this blog post. I was on essence.com reading one of Paul Carrick Brunson post. You know the modern day matchmaker, anyway he is always wrting excellent posts. This particular one was reasons why he won’t marry you.
Ladies many of us treat our boyfriends like our husbands because in our mind we believe we are the one. We cook, clean, and everything for him. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Not to mention many men carry the philosophy if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it philosophy. Don’t put all your cards down at once. Hold back a little. Make him wait.
He Said No, You’re Not Listening
He said no to the idea of marriage in the beginning and you think you can change his mind. Well ladies you cannot, his mind is made up if it changes it is because of him not anything you may have done. Ladies we have to learn to listen really listen to what he says not just what we want to hear.
You Are a Liability
When a man considers a woman to be his wife he is thinking she should be an asset. Definitely, not a liability, it could be one too many children, muddled in debt, or even other things that he does not want to take responsibility for.
You Are a Nag
You whine, whine and all he hears is blah, blah, blah! Talk to him not at him. A man doesn’t want to feel like his relationship is a mother-child relationship. Where all you do is get after him about things you feel he is not doing. Lay-off or he will walk off with your ring and give it to someone else.
He Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
In the beginning you set certain boundaries in place, i.e., a 90 day rule, or you are waiting for marriage, and/or you would not tolerate certain behavior. He bullied his way through of your rules and most importantly you did not enforce these rules by sticking to your boundaries. Why should he respect them if you don’t?
He is a Commitment Phobic
Ladies if you have a commitment phobic then you have a problem on your hands that only a therapist can handle so call in reinforcement’s honey. This is not something you can tackle alone.
You Don’t Need Him
Ladies a man wants to feel needed. He wants to feel like you need him in your life. Never be too independent that you don’t need a man or you will be single for the rest of your life. Granted he wants you to stand firm on your own two feet but make some room for him. Include him in your decision making, yes even in the financial department, make him feel apart of the team. Remember there is no I in team.
You Are His Good Time Girl
You are fun to play with but not good enough to meet the family. This is a tale-tell sign that you are definitely are not getting a ring. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but it definitely means your time together has an ever approaching expiration date. Your days are numbered sweetie.
His Other Woman Doesn’t Like You
His Mom, Aunt, Sister, or any other close female in his life is not fond of you. No matter how old he is the opinion of any of these women matter to him. I used to date a man who’s mother could not stand me in the beginning so to get to know me for his sake at first she would invite me over to her house without him so we could connect. Which worked perfectly we got along famously even stayed in contact years later. If he is The One work on repairing things with the other woman in his life. Don’t brownnoses be genuine in your approach? Make it work!
He’s Not Ready
Sometimes we get caught up with the sound of our biological clock ticking, or thinking we have reached the age where we should have been married so we want to speed up the clock and our man just isn’t ready yet. Be patient with him I don’t mean wait around forever but talk to him about you desires in a way he can hear you without any nagging. Contemplate things from his perspective as well marriage is a big step and definitely shouldn’t be rushed.
Ladies are you waiting for that ring? Wondering why you still don’t have it? Check out these tips and maybe you or the fellas can suggest some more I may have missed. Share your thoughts below.
Is low self-esteem holding you back from love? Does the formula low self esteem=victim=plaything=permanent side piece seem to be your destiny?
I have suffered from low self-esteem for way too long. I have allowed it to play as my enabler in many facets of my life. I will focus today on how it has impacted me in my dating life.
They always says don’t look for a man he will find you. I have always believed that the man for me will come to me and be heaven sent. So why has hell been reigning over my dating life. Part of it could be I have played the victim role so much I really believe I have been victimized by love. What a farce! My arduous road to love is a direct correlation to my unwillingness to love myself. Sure I look in the mirror occasionally to check my hair and outfit but I never stand there long enough to peer into the very heart of me. I am broken in so many ways. If I look too long I will point out all my flaws and figuratively tear myself apart.
When I was on hiatus from dating I began to do some serious introspection. I actually began to like me and then like always I found a man to help me get off track and lose sight of me. The woman I was beginning to see. I always immerse myself into a man. It is so easy for me to put him on a pedestal and cater to his every need. Thinking somehow I will convince him I am the one not knowing I am showing him I don’t love myself and unworthy of the title I so desperately want to be bestowed. I will lose my identity in him I won’t write, not even journal I am consumed by the thought of being in love. My day revolves around him and how he feels. What a sad state of affairs it truly is.
Every time I hit rock bottom in love it comes back to the same solution learn to love you. How can someone invest in my stock when I am selling my shares and not investing in the company? No man would invest in me especially when he doesn’t know what’s going on with the company if something is wrong internally, but I know. If I don’t invest, neither would he. I have time and time proven I am an unworthy stock. Now I am saying that for pity, I am saying that because it is true. I cannot gain support for a cause I don’t myself believe in.
So much of who I am is about keeping up appearances and wanting to belong. I want to be accepted it stems from being rejected long ago. I have to deal with my past demons and the entire trauma that I have endured. I have to say I was victimized but I am no longer a victim. Unfortunately, in my case the opposite is true I am a professional victim. Internally, I blame my past for so many things and truth be told I am still living in my past. I am still that insecure girl from all those years ago. I need reassurance that I am beautiful. The men I date see that I am desperate and desiring of their approval and they run with that. In all honesty I cannot blame them for my current state. It is my own fault.
The role of Girl Friday has become cumbersome and emotionally exhausting. Emotionally and physically I morph into the role of Superwoman and my kryptonite is loving me. Sometimes I through pride aside and just do things because I so desperately want to be loved. I sacrifice so much of myself that I am losing vital pieces of me along the way. So how do I counter all of that you ask? I will start blogging again and journaling and do some introspection. Study the craft known as me and learn her well. I have to step back from loving someone else because I am on the brink of self-destruction. Yes that’s where I am headed.
To hell with thinking like a man, time to think like a boss.
My phone has stopped ringing no more calls, texts, or video chats with my chocolate drop. He seems to have just disappeared out of my life. I stop my dating hiatus to get to know him and now he is M.I.A. I wonder aloud if maybe there was something I have somehow been a catalyst for his disappearing act. I did everything he asked and more yet now he is gone. I feel like a foolish girl for opening up my heart to someone who I always thought wanting nothing more than my body. I always knew deep down I was his fantasy girl and I guess the reality of who I am killed his euphoric desires. I should have known it was the beginning of the end when he asked me why I never tired to talk to him when he was the one pursuing me all this time. Even worse than that I thought he was The One. Perish the thought; I thought he was meant for me. But would the man meant for me really ask what the freakiest thing I have done is. Correct me if I am wrong but the man for me would never want to imagine me with another man.
There were so many signs that I chose to ignore. I never trust my own instinct. Sometimes I wonder if I truly know what is best for me. People in my life always say don’t look for him he will find you. Well I am tired of being found by men would mean me no good. Tired of being sidelined and bestowed the title of mistress. I am better than being an entrée on the side. During my hiatus I learned I am more than my body, I have a heart and soul that longed to be respected as well. I learned to respect all three and even while I was choosing to date this man I decided not to have a Plan B so may call it foolish but I did not want to be emotionally vested in more than one man as I have always done in the past. Although, all this time I have been single I would tell potential suitors I was taken. It was easier than explaining my boo was too far away to be here and I was holding him down no matter what. Some told me I was foolish for engaging in a long distance relationship but I did not care what they thought they had someone and I had no one so I was going to pursue it anyway. He has pursued me since adolescence so I thought it best to see this thing through. I had everything riding on this hope and dream that love had finally found me.
I thought wow no man waits this long just to have sex with me. Naïveté definitely set in during this last month. Some men will go through great lengths because the power of the cookie is that strong in their mind. It felt good to not have to hide anything I felt refreshed. I was preparing for him to come and see me. I have known him forever was I infatuated with him or just the thought that love had found me finally after 7 years. I bore everything into him told him things about me wanting to be nothing but honest. He said there is no such thing as moving too fast yet me emotions faster than ever before. I envisioned so much with him and none of it will come to fruition. He admired me intellect but our conversations were purely sexual. I know I should have walked away when his actions screamed at me he just wanted sex. Why did I ignore all the red flags? I rode down a road that said yield, then caution road out ahead, and I went off the cliff and now after getting out of the rubble I wonder how I ended up here again. Damn!
Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life if I am blessed to be married will it be in old age. Yet I know one thing for certain I have to get my shit together. I lost track of everything and my only focus was him. I had bigger fish to fry and my sole purpose was to convince him I was The One. I am Mrs. Right. Yet all along he already had someone she never left. I was never even thought of as being his girl in his mind. I was just this longtime crush that he never conquered. When he wouldn’t call me for days he would ask when he called how did you sleep? What an arrogant asshole! You love to see me fawning foolishly over you. You love to see a woman like me hurt and downtrodden.
Well I have picked myself up again and going back to my dating hiatus. My esteem took a serious hit than needs intensive care to repair. I need to stop thinking that a man will complete me the only man with that type of power is God. I have to be a boss in my thinking. I must achieve my goals and set out to accomplish so many things and I will not accomplish shit running behind an unworthy man. Why was he so deserving of my time and attention? Truth is lips never met and our bodies never collided yet my mental was more than receptive to the idea that was him.
So I am single again but I am no longer accepting applications. Not because I am bitter but because I want to be better. I don’t want to rebound I want to regroup. A good friend of mine watched me tear up and comforted me with tough love. Those who know and love me want me to focus on me and nothing else. They see a wounded solider who is allowing herself to be preyed upon but self-serving people. People whose agendas are clear and evident in their actions but foolishly I settle for what I can get. I don’t deserve better at this point because I don’t want better. I just want a warm body next to me.
I am better now that I released all that emotion. I want to call him and call him out for being a coward by ignoring me. I am not mad just disappointed in me for not holding firm to what I knew to be true. He was going to come here and lay with me. That was his only goal. He never meant to be anything more than a roll in the hay. I was in love with love not him. I was in love with the idea of being in love again.
Why do we allow ourselves to be lead as sheep to the slaughter? Why don’t we fight for so much more? Share your thoughts below.
Are you emotionally unavailable? Ladies maybe you are the emotional unavailable one not him. What is so attractive about emotionally unavailable men? It is not the challenge of making him fall for you? Or the thrill of the chase, it is the fact we can project our love we want for ourselves onto him. I am reading “The Conversation” by Hill Harper the chapter I am reading now described me to a T. it covered how women will purposefully date emotionally unavailable men to divert from dealing with past issues and because at my core I am unavailable. I want to focus on my relationship problems versus looking at myself. It is time I put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. I am not a victim. There are no victims, only volunteers. It blew me away completely out the water.
Never have I read a relationship book that related to me, not tried to define me but delved deep into the real heart of the issue. I do not love myself that is why I try and love an unworthy man so much. The right man cannot get my attention because intimacy terrifies me. I would rather give of my body than my mind and spirit. Perish the thought. I do not want to connect emotionally so I purposefully date men that are void of emotions. I will tell friends and family I want to connect emotionally to keep up appearances. But quite honestly I don’t want to. I want to love him so I don’t have to love him. I love the challenge he presents to me. Women love a project. I don’t want the self-made man I want the man I have to build from scratch. And let me tell you they are rugged. They could care less about my issues because they smell my desperation a mile away. There are no victims, only volunteers. I signed up for the mess that ensues in my fake relationships. Relationship, of course, is the operative word.
Why won’t we deal with our issues first? Deal with past transgressions so we can move past the past and move into the present with a clear conscious. One of the reason I had a hard time read Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man was ecause like the men he described in the book I need to get my house in order first. I refused to do that I wanted to settle and keep dating men that did not love me and never would love me because I didn’t want to love me plain and simple. You can’t keep running away. All my friends male and female would say learn to love you. Why couldn’t I do that? Why was it so hard? It was hard because I wanted to continue to volunteer for the nonsense. I wanted to continue to beat a dead horse. He would love me, he had to look how good I was to him. Yet he couldn’t he knew he wasn’t right for me but why couldn’t I see that for myself. Why did it take him just ignoring me for me to stop and take a break from dating to focus on me.
I was so enamored by him I would have done anything to be with him. I did not care about esteem, control, or respect. All I wanted was him. He did not deserve my love, affection, and time yet I was going to force feed it to him anyway. Thankfully, divine intervention saved me from myself. Ladies stop drowning in desperation. No one wants that stench on them and you shouldn’t either. You are not a victim. These men are the job you volunteered for. Your performance more than showed you wanted to be disrespect so don’t bother blaming the men you chose. It is about onus. The onus is on us ladies we keep taking ourselves for granted. And more importantly, we don’t take ourselves seriously. We poke fun at ourselves. You may not know your worth but you know when enough is enough. Or do you?
Now getting back to me this epiphany has me spinning around and around. But not in circles it has me at a stand still right where my journey continues on the path of self love. So I walk down this path more aware and motivated then ever. It feels good loving somebody and knowing I love me back. I love me. I am happy with me.
I am really in a good headspace. I mean I still have my down moments but it is not because I am allowing some emotionally unavailable man suck the life out of me. Every day a new experience breathes new life into me. I wake up and read an affirmation and keep it moving. I stay motivated to better myself. Yes I want a companion but right now I need a friend. Just an acquaintance, then develop into a solid friendship and then maybe if we vibe right intimacy. But in that exact order I am taking my time.
Taking time out for me so there is no rush. Are you emotionally unavailable? Are you willing to work on yourself to move away from settling for emotionally unavailable men? Share your thoughts below.