Greatest Love of All

Do you love yourself? If you can sincerely reply yes to this question then kudos to you. I am sitting here trying to read a recent Essence article titled “Falling In Love With Me”. Sounds interesting right. So why am I being so rebellious and adamant about not reading it. The writer is single and loving it tired of looking for love beyond herself. When you love yourself then you will truly know how to love.

I guess it is time for a confession or two or three. First, I don’t love myself and I never have. Two, I purposely date unworthy men to take the focus off myself. If I can love them then maybe they can love me the way I should love myself. Three, I don’t truly understand what it means to love me.

The other day I heard “Greatest Love of All” on Pandora. I broke down just as I did years ago when my mother was rehearsing it for her nursing school graduation. I broke down for the same reasons I did back then because the greatest love of all is void in me. I detest when loved ones say “Neisha, you don’t love yourself.” I quickly retort back “what do you mean I don’t love myself?” I keep myself nice so I do care for me.

Yet I allow men to distract me from focusing on myself. I am adamant about the fact that love for myself takes a back burner to loving someone else. I can love you unconditionally flaws and all. But really I am afraid if you really knew me you couldn’t love me at all. How could I ask you when I cannot do the same?

I hate myself. I hate being alone. I hate focusing on me. I hate anything that pertains to me, myself, and I. Sure I love the song but in the end I have my daughter not me, myself, and I. I can barely look in the mirror at the image that is me. It is more than the exterior presence it is the overwhelming neglect of the interior. I allowed myself to be used and abused just for the sake of saying I am connected to someone. The truth is I am just not ready to love me.

It is so much work. Who am I? What makes me so interesting and lovable by me? I might just rip this damn article up. The title is too much to bear. I have a major headache contemplating reading it. Why do I have to love me? Why can’t I just pour my love into my child and maybe even a man? Why must it go to me?

Men are a natural affinity for me. Although, deep down I know no man is capable of loving me flaws and all because that is something I refuse to do for myself. I want so badly to be loved but I refuse to over it to myself. I would rather lose myself in someone else. How can I be the best when I don’t know how to take care of my best asset, ME?

What more incentive do I need to love me? Hello I am a mother who should lead by example. I pour all my love into my child which leads to little to none for me. I am very calculated I tell her she is beautiful often and praise her just as much. But do I extend that same courtesy to me? Nope!

I figure I will work on it some other time. It can wait but in all honesty it cannot. This self-hatred has to stop. This desire for validation from the outside is ridiculous. Today I will set some personal goals for myself. I will set three goals and three actions steps to follow up.

1. Embrace my inner beauty

-Look in the mirror daily and say one positive thing about me.

2. Put myself first.

-Contemplate how to make a decision that benefits me first and foremost.

3. Truly take a dating hiatus.

-Refuse any new numbers and delete unnecessary contacts.

I will start with number on today despite the fact it is by far the most difficult. I can envelope you in compliments but I suffocate myself with negativity. I told someone certain things about me to push them away. I cannot love myself so I do not deserve to be loved.

God loves me so why can’t I love me. He loves me flaws and all. Why can’t I adopt the same philosophy? How can I truly honor Him and hate me?

I will stop here and pick up tomorrow prayer fully I will have read the article. But let’s not hold our breaths.

How can someone who hates them self learn to love them self? Share your thoughts below.

 

The Sting of Colorism

Growing up I never personally experienced the sting of colorism. I personally believed both dark skin and light skin were beautiful. I always embraced my caramel complexion even at those periods when I was reminded how “ugly” I was. I never knew why I was “ugly” yet somehow I thought if I looked different if my eye wasn’t so lazy maybe I would be pretty.

I didn’t feel the effects of colorism until I had my daughter. She was born to me so beautiful and full of life. When people first saw her it was always she is so light and so pretty. After asking was she mixed with Spanish heritage in which I would reply no most times sometimes I lied and said yes. They would always retort she must look like her father since she looks nothing like you. Often reminding me how ugly I was. He even told people he was drunk when we conceived her. An awful lie. Yes her father is light-skinned with beautiful green eyes. My daughter definitely has his complexion.

It is funny so many believe I am blessed that she is beautiful and has long hair. Which is apart of the reason they think she is mixed. Often I wonder would they think she was so pretty is she was a darker hue. To be honest my baby looks just like me despite her complexion. My daughter is beautiful and I would have love and hugged her even if she was a darker hue. I am determined my daughter will know she is beautiful. Not just because of her light skin and her hair down her back. She is a beautiful child of God no matter her hue. I never want her to apologize for being who she is.

I wrote this inspired by Essence’s article for December 2011 issue. I question all the time my beauty I have struggled with it and here my daughter is accepted with welcome arms and I am in awe of how much she loves herself. I try to search within for love of myself but somehow it gets lost in translation. I know I have to find it in order to keep that love ignited in her. Somehow my fire was extinguished long ago and is on the brink of extinction. Sometimes I feel my caramel skin is beautiful but more often than not I question my beauty.

I often look at my sisters and their various hues and long to be confident like them. Secure in my caramel skin. Love the caramel kisses I often give away. I could never rest on pretty. It was never an option for me. The only absolute was I was smart. Intellect was my greatest attribute. Never ran out of those compliments. Yet, secretly I longed to be pretty often wondered how it felt to be pretty like my chocolate sister Jazz. She more than proved beauty and brains was a powerful thing. She was smart and gorgeous. Men flock to her just on the strength of her outer appearance. I often wished that would happen to me.

I have always been a chameleon always just blended in. Often I go unnoticed unless it comes to wit then I stand out. I cannot comfortably accept a compliment. But let someone compliment my daughter and I ham it up. She is pretty and I tell her so. I linger in my past wishing someone reminded me how beautiful I was like my sis Jazz. Everyone always raved how pretty she was. I write this out of hurt not jealousy. She is the reason I truly believe dark skin is so beautiful. At times it was more celebrated than light or brown skin. My mother is a beautiful shade of dark chocolate. Sometimes I’d wish I was too. At times I forget the struggles of others because I am consumed by their beauty.

I am obsessed with beautiful women. Longing to look like them. I am not content with my caramel complexion as much as I would like others to believe. I just want to be careful with my daughter I want to embrace her beauty as much as her brains. The brains more than anything I don’t need a beautiful bubble. I want to know I don’t love her anymore or any less because of her lighter hue.

Reading that article taught me I am so accepting of others but not of myself. What a sad state of affairs! It is time to learn to love me and all that I come with.

Do you struggle with colorism? Does colorism define you? Share your thoughts below.

 

The Beauty In Fear

Fear and I have a love-hate relationship. At times I find her to be very comforting. I have often allowed her to purposefully stand in the way of my success. As Marianne Williamson said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

I have the potential to be great but I fear expectation. The greater I am the more that will be asked of me. In my heart writing is my one true love. I have had the pleasure of expressing myself through spoken word, blogging, and my own column. Yet at the height of my success I walked away. Fear consumed me. The fear of success was too much to bear.

I know my talent would be a beautiful career in the near future. The beauty in fear is the way it protects you and makes you feel secure. It is so beautiful to lie at someone else’s feet rather than resting your feet on a pedestal.

Yet I know in my heart fear and I cannot carry on our love affair. For I have to lead by example for my daughter. It is time to take a risk and step out on faith. Time to believe in me and my talent.

 

Out of Sight, Out Of His Mind!

Are you dating someone who you have to initiate contact with all the time? To a man this would be an obvious sign of disinterest. Yet we women like to make excuses maybe he is busy, he has a lot on his plate, or anything.

We refuse to accept the obvious, why? I am saying this for me as much as for you. Ladies stop being in denial he just doesn’t want you. I know it sounds harsh but reality is often harsh and not sweet at all.

A lot of times we simply just do not want to left feeling unwanted. If all he offers is sex move on no sense in adding another unnecessary notch on your belt. In most cases, he is getting more than he is giving. You know little or nothing about this man. This post is coming from a place riddled in hurt. I am so tired of giving of myself and getting crumbs in return. Just be a man about it. Sounds simple enough. Yet we have to be woman enough to walk away alone. Quit holding onto someone who was never joined to you.

He told you in so many words he would never be yours. All he can offer is this and that. You deserve better than this and that you have to know that. Walk away with your dignity in tact. It hurts like hell when you desire more than he does. Especially, when you all have known each other for quite some time and he only pursues you to do you. All that energy on a momentary fix. It is so belittling like that’s all you see in me. Yet he says there is more yet his actions prove it is just the physical. Keep your cookie to your damn self. He is so not worth it. Once you deem him unworthy move on without any qualms. He will just keep on till he can poke somebody else.

No love lost and no more notches added to your belt. Stop settling for less than the best. Always remember this too shall pass and the best is yet to come. Yes ladies this message is for us. Let him go!

I am going to take my own advice. I am going to let this thing go no matter how much it hurts. I know this means going back to the drawing board but it is time to put my pen down for a while. Obviously, this thing is not working for me. I need time off. It gets lonely but we cannot fear being alone more than being with someone who is unworthy of our time and attention.

Are you interested in someone who only offers you little to nothing? Do you want more? What are you willing to do to change the situation? Share your thoughts below.