Can’t Trust Myself

Ever have that one you could not trust yourself around? That one person that makes you feel invincible and vulnerable at the same time. Vulnerability scares me for it means letting down my guard with no defenses up. That is some scary stuff. I have met a few people like that. It scared me at first but after a while it felt so right. What happens when you meet someone new and he makes you feel like you want to do any and everything when in his presence. All your rules go out the window and you are a rebel fighting for the cause of love.

As I mentioned I felt this way before. When I love I love hard. A man came into my life and made me feel this very way. All my rules were broken from the first date. I did not trust myself around him for I knew there were no boundaries between him and I. Although we had love it couldn’t keep us together. I am not saying breaking the rules is all bad but you have to set healthy boundaries. Our relationship knew no bounds. I love being in love with him for he made me so happy but it also saddened me when it did end. That is why I am so terrified of commiting to someone and letting go truly embracing vulnerability.

It is not that I do not want love again it is just heartbreak is hard to recover from. The thought of meeting someone new kind of shakes me to the core. To a certain extent I have to let him in my heart has tightened and it is hard to penetrate. It is difficult to love with a guard up but the wounds take longer to heal when the essence of you is left bare and not ready for defending.  I have been dating and it has been interesting but I met someone by chance and he scares me.

I am getting those feelings of I don’t trust myself around him could this be love or infatuation. I marvel at how he makes me feel so attentive and sensitive to my needs. Yet somehow I feel it is all a ploy on his part to reel me in. Or is it? I don’t know but I know I cannot allow my past to dictate my future. So for now I am just taking it easy especially since I swore off dating this came out of left field. I am praying on the situation I don’t know if he is the one but I don’t know that he is not. He came in an unexpected package but does love ever come the way you expect it too.

Onward and upward is how it goes from now on. Whether this works out or not at least I gave it an open-minded shot. And maybe I don’t trust myself because I know this could be love again. I am so shook from heartbreak that I will not allow love back into my life. He tells me all the time how my passion and ambition turn him on. Funny those are the things that turn me on about a man so hearing that seems so odd. I keep over-analyzing things when I just need to allow the cards to fall as they may.

It is my old pattern and I need to quit and just let it be what it is going to be. Have you ever met someone that you couldn’t trust yourself around? Did you stay or leave and why? Share your thoughts below.

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Ties That Bind

Freaky Friday: People often ask me why am I single and often I want to ask them why aren’t you? Why are you in a relationship? Do any of you know those people who are notorious for being serial monogamists? It is like they are afraid to be by themselves. Like five minutes alone would make them stir crazy. Have they even considered the concept of being single? Let’s be honest single people have time to ponder being in a relationship from time to time. But the question is do those people who are involved have time to contemplate why they are in a relationship? It seems like an obvious question but most of us would not dare ask it not even among ourselves. He stays out all night, you suspect he is cheating, and he barely helps with the bills yet you want to inquire about why I don’t have a man. I want to ask you my dear sister why are you putting up with his nonsense. Or, guys she barely talks to you, nags all the time, and stripping your pockets yet you stay down for her. Even through the fire, fighting all the time and you still stay. Why?

No one ever thinks to ask the committed person why are you committed? Why are you involved? Granted there are some perks to being in a relationship like guaranteed sex, unless you are in one of those situations where you have to schedule first. In that case it sucks to be you. Is love truly the tie that binds you two together? Or is it really a matter of convenience? Maybe she cooks, gives it to you when you like, and cater to your every need but there are those other things that nag the hell out of you like not being able to hold a conversation without a mean scowl and a fight ensuing. Here’s another scenario, the sex is good but he doesn’t have shit else to show for himself. There needs to be benefits within the walls of these relationships. Otherwise remaining in them is as hopeless as a penny with a hole in it.

Sometimes I think we are afraid of being by ourselves it is the single curse that we do not want to be plagued with. Single for many people is synonymous alone, desolate, and lonely. As if single people just sit by the phone praying for the phone to ring. It is not that bad being single. I will admit to you we have our moments where we long to be held and supported. For the most part we are happy even in those dry spell moments.  No sense in enduring time and tears on a wasteful relationship just for the sake of saying you belong to someone. Belong to you first then you can share yourself with someone else. Stop staying in these meaningless relationships. You don’t love them so just leave them. I know easier said than done.

I have done my time in relationship wasteland so I know how tears and years can be wasted. Do not sell yourself short. Invest in you and your needs. How is this relationship benefitting you? Is it truly worth your blood, sweat, and tears? This is where you need to sit down and do a list of pros and cons. Prayerfully the good will outweigh the bad and you can go on as you were to live happily ever after. If not then it is time to let the ship sail. As a wise Reverend Run said “Letting go doesn’t always mean giving up, it’s just having enough wisdom to know some things can’t be.”

The Big Letter

Who is your Mr. Big? Who is your Mr. Big? Carrie’s dating plight made me realize I needed to write through my own dating woes. I figured writing would help me take a better approach on dating. I am so tired of all this disaster dating as I like to call it. Like Carrie I have dated quite a few characters but none of them stood out to me more than my Mr. Big. I decided to write my Mr. Big for here goes:

Dear Big,

It has been four years since we have seen or heard from one another. I see you have a blog and it is doing well I am so proud of you. I always knew you were destined for greatness. Being with you taught me a lot about me I learned everything I wanted in a man started when we first met on that bus stop in 2002. The man you were is the man I need in my life right now. You challenged me mentally. You observed my thirst for learning and challenged me to expound on that. You were supportive and motivated me beyond what I thought my capabilities were. I cannot say we were compatible because I cannot honestly say I was your match. Yet you were definitely my match constantly keeping me on my toes. At the time I was with you I was in a place where I did not really love myself and so I felt at times unworthy of your love. I was naïve about a lot of things. I did not full grasp what you were trying to teach me about myself.

Baby I still love you. I still care for you even when I reflect back to feeling like you were selfish because you would not give me a commitment. You wanted me to change the woman I was at the time into the woman I am now. I was not ready to make that change at that time. I had to grow and learn to develop into the woman I am today. One night emotions took over me and I finally unleashed on you. That night my emotions were too intense. I was on the brink of a breakdown. The dam finally broke the flood of emotions terrified me. It was that night that our saga ended.

Tears well up when I think about my missed opportunity I have never met someone who could uplift my mind, body and soul imultaneously. Big you are bigger than big your light shines boldly across a moonlight night. I miss you Big, miss how you cared for my daughter as if she were your own. Sorry Big that I ever doubted your love for me. Sorry I put another before you who paled in comparison.

Daily I pray God will send me an angel like you again. I pray that I get another chance at an amazing man. I just wanted to say you will always have a special place in my heart and I always wanted to be crowned your Queen of Sanity. I must digress because I know that there is a beauty that now holds that title. I have moved on and pray for your continued happiness. Love you always and forever.

Who you chose to deal with is a reflection of where you are or in some cases where you need to be. Big and I were not compatible because both of us were in different places. I was young still trying to find my way in life and discover who I was and where I wanted to be. He was already established and constantly seeking more and expected more out of his mate and that is why he never made me his girl. I was not where he thought his girl should be. I do not think this means he did not love me, he cared for me deeply but he wanted me to grow and at that point in my life I was not ready. I was like a teenager rebellious and unwillingly to change my wayward ways.

Sometimes I look back to that point in my life and it is often met with bittersweet fondness. I feel blessed for having met him and the impact he made in my life. He taught me what my man should be. What I should expect from him and what he should expect from me? He taught me how to learn to love the beauty that is me. Most of all he taught me that I am worthy of love but most of that love should come from within.
 

Institution of Marriage

Why are we so afraid to get married? This week I have been doing
a five-part series on topics features in the hit movie “He’s Just
Not That Into You.” Today’s topic is about those of us who fear
marriage. How we spend ions with someone yet we never want to
take it to the next level?

In the movie, Neil and Beth have been are in a long-term
relationship. In which Neil has become so complacent that
marriage is not even an afterthought anymore. If ain’t broke
don’t fix it is his mental state on his romance with Beth. Beth
has grown tired of this long-term romance and informs Neil that
she would like to profess their love for one another over vows in
front of their dear friends and family. Neil is terrified he does
not want to get married. He contemplates on the end of a marriage
instead of the beginning of one. Although he does not desire
anyone else and is quite content with his current arrangement he
knows he will lose Beth and ponders whether his fear of marriage
trumps her longing to be his wife. Love prevails and they are
married.

I know that I am not alone with this fear of commitment that a
marriage entails. I fear being with someone for the rest of my
life. What if they get bored with me? What if I get bored with
them? What if either of us cheats? In my eyes the vows of
marriage are sacred I am not only saying them to my husband but
God is listening as well. I am making promises that I will be
held to the highest standard to keep. Commitment has always been
a scary thing for me. So marriage is like going from a
rollercoaster to skydiving to me. I will admit I have a phobia of
commitment. A deep-seeded one no one has ever committed to me so
I feel like why should I bother committing to them? Marriage is
sacred and I do not want to try and fake the funk with God. I do
not want to tell him to death do us part and the first sign of
trouble we are battling it out in divorce court. Or, one of us
gets to sick and the other one gives up all hope. Adultery seems
so commonplace now I feel like if I get married I should expect
to be cheated on.

Commitment can be a scary thing yet it does not mean I do not
want to ever get married. I just am consumed by fear, the fear of
it not working out. Too many people are in love with the wedding
and not willing to work at the marriage. As soon as trouble
strikes all hell breaks loose. People stop talking and starting
walking to the nearest attorney’s office to dissolve the
marriage.  We need to be friends first. We need to learn to love
properly ourselves first then love our mate. Learn to work
together in this thing called love. Remember there is no I in
team.

Learn to love and trust enough to know that things will work out
for the better. Have faith in one another. Faith that through
trials and tribulations there will be triumph. Fear has a way of
paralyzing you and prohibited to walk through the fire together.
Do not fear love for it is meant for your happiness. Instead fear
never loving someone enough to devote your life and love to them.
Marriage is a beautiful union to be shared by two loving people.
Two strong loving people. Take that walk down the aisle.