This is the hardest post I have ever written to date. One thing about being a relationship blogger I am careful not to give advice or crown myself a connoisseur of dating issues. I am a fumbling mess when it comes to dating and my bad days outweigh my good. I have been in “situationships” longer than I have been in relationships. So know when I speak on something it is through learning my lesson the hard way by learning from my own mistakes. In my past I would hear the experiences of others and still be stubborn enough to make the same bad decision that they did often with worse consequences.
Today I am writing because when I first heard this K. Michelle/Idris Elba saga I felt torn with my emotions. First of all I think Idris is an Adonis so I was green with envy that K. Michelle had snagged him. I digress back to why I am writing this. Initially, I thought to myself why is she kissing and telling that is so tacky. But when I investigated further I found that she was considered his “jump-off” mistress her words not his. She was well aware that she was going to be his girl on the side yet she got wrapped up emotionally anyway. When she loved she loved hard. I could resonate with her emotions and I understand how she got wrapped up emotionally.
As I mentioned earlier I have been in a “situationship” for lack of a better term where I was the girl on the side. Begrudgingly I accepted this role knowing in the back of my mind that 80% of the time I wanted more. Yet I would take a man in any form I could have him. I was will to have a part of him when I knew I would give all of me. I refuse to accept the idea that I deserved better than that. Sure I knew I was just an option that was dying to be a priority but I remained steadfast and unmovable in this awful role. I am writing this because I feel compelled to reach out to my sisters that are in these situations where they accept being just friends. I feel hurt that we sell ourselves short by accepting being a potential partner rather than a potential mate. We want and will take a man in any form we can get him. Then there is the nerve that there are rules to these friends with benefits situation. But I don’t want to discuss them the point of this piece is to address the underlying issues of lack of self-love and self-esteem.
It all boils down to how you feel about you. When you love yourself you will not accept being just an option. You will know that you deserve the top spot or no spot at all. Yes I fooled myself into thinking I could be like the guys and be void of any emotional attachments. 20% I “succeeded” but when I “succeeded” it was because I had become numb emotionally and refused to allow any man to penetrate my emotional walls. The 80% was usually when I thought I could change his mind as if I could convince him that I deserve the top spot although clearly he did not want to bestow me that honor. I accepted the fact that I was going enough to sleep with but not be with.
Our bodies are sacred and should not be trifled through by any man. We should respect ourselves to honor our temple. We minimalize its worth and stuff our emotions. Why not be truthful and say you know what I want a man to myself that is not emotionally unavailable that will be all for me? We don’t want to admit this to ourselves because we want to fill the status quo of women that can be like a man and not form any emotional attachments. They actually see benefits to these situations. You get the body not the mind how rewarding is that. How many more time are we going to cover our bodies up with unrequited love?
There is nothing enlightening about being someone on the side. No one will ever commit to you and love you the way you so desperately want to be loved. No one! Because you don’t value you so why should they. Don’t expect from others what you aren’t willing to give to yourself.
How many of us are mothers? Would we want our daughters being playthings? We would teach them to value themselves more. We place them and their hearts on a sacred pedestal to only be shared with someone who is worthy. So why don’t we do the same for ourselves? Some us of us should be single because we need to find comfort within ourselves and stop looking for validation from someone who does not truly value who we are. Attention is nothing without a man’s appreciation of you. So be the change you want to see. Appreciate and value you. When he sees that you care a great deal for yourself he either will approach you like the queen you are or not step to you at all because he will know you deserve better than his scraps.
I know some will say friends with benefits are an ideal situation. But just what are you settling for. And as Dr. Phil would say “how is that working for you”? What are the benefits please indulge my curiosity? What are you gaining from being emotionally unattached to someone you give yourself so freely? Please know I am not judging any of you. I just don’t want you wasting years and tears on someone that doesn’t waste an afterthought on you. Value yourself more.
Please ladies I am just asking you to do some introspection and write down what you value most in yourself and what you need to work on. If you feel so inclined please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we can discuss it further. I really want you all to know I care so much because I was there where you are now. If you want to be a Queen respect yourself like one!
Are you struggling with issues of self-love and self-esteem? Let me know by sharing your thoughts below.