Value You!

This is the hardest post I have ever written to date.  One thing about being a relationship blogger I am careful not to give advice or crown myself a connoisseur of dating issues. I am a fumbling mess when it comes to dating and my bad days outweigh my good. I have been in “situationships” longer than I have been in relationships. So know when I speak on something it is through learning my lesson the hard way by learning from my own mistakes. In my past I would hear the experiences of others and still be stubborn enough to make the same bad decision that they did often with worse consequences.

Today I am writing because when I first heard this K. Michelle/Idris Elba saga I felt torn with my emotions. First of all I think Idris is an Adonis so I was green with envy that K. Michelle had snagged him. I digress back to why I am writing this. Initially, I thought to myself why is she kissing and telling that is so tacky. But when I investigated further I found that she was considered his “jump-off” mistress her words not his. She was well aware that she was going to be his girl on the side yet she got wrapped up emotionally anyway. When she loved she loved hard. I could resonate with her emotions and I understand how she got wrapped up emotionally.

As I mentioned earlier I have been in a “situationship” for lack of a better term where I was the girl on the side. Begrudgingly I accepted this role knowing in the back of my mind that 80% of the time I wanted more. Yet I would take a man in any form I could have him. I was will to have a part of him when I knew I would give all of me. I refuse to accept the idea that I deserved better than that. Sure I knew I was just an option that was dying to be a priority but I remained steadfast and unmovable in this awful role. I am writing this because I feel compelled to reach out to my sisters that are in these situations where they accept being just friends. I feel hurt that we sell ourselves short by accepting being a potential partner rather than a potential mate. We want and will take a man in any form we can get him. Then there is the nerve that there are rules to these friends with benefits situation. But I don’t want to discuss them the point of this piece is to address the underlying issues of lack of self-love and self-esteem.

It all boils down to how you feel about you. When you love yourself you will not accept being just an option. You will know that you deserve the top spot or no spot at all.  Yes I fooled myself into thinking I could be like the guys and be void of any emotional attachments. 20% I “succeeded” but when I “succeeded” it was because I had become numb emotionally and refused to allow any man to penetrate my emotional walls. The 80% was usually when I thought I could change his mind as if I could convince him that I deserve the top spot although clearly he did not want to bestow me that honor. I accepted the fact that I was going enough to sleep with but not be with.

Our bodies are sacred and should not be trifled through by any man. We should respect ourselves to honor our temple. We minimalize its worth and stuff our emotions. Why not be truthful and say you know what I want a man to myself that is not emotionally unavailable that will be all for me? We don’t want to admit this to ourselves because we want to fill the status quo of women that can be like a man and not form any emotional attachments. They actually see benefits to these situations. You get the body not the mind how rewarding is that. How many more time are we going to cover our bodies up with unrequited love?

There is nothing enlightening about being someone on the side. No one will ever commit to you and love you the way you so desperately want to be loved. No one! Because you don’t value you so why should they. Don’t expect from others what you aren’t willing to give to yourself.

How many of us are mothers? Would we want our daughters being playthings? We would teach them to value themselves more. We place them and their hearts on a sacred pedestal to only be shared with someone who is worthy. So why don’t we do the same for ourselves? Some us of us should be single because we need to find comfort within ourselves and stop looking for validation from someone who does not truly value who we are. Attention is nothing without a man’s appreciation of you. So be the change you want to see. Appreciate and value you. When he sees that you care a great deal for yourself he either will approach you like the queen you are or not step to you at all because he will know you deserve better than his scraps.

I know some will say friends with benefits are an ideal situation. But just what are you settling for. And as Dr. Phil would say “how is that working for you”? What are the benefits please indulge my curiosity? What are you gaining from being emotionally unattached to someone you give yourself so freely? Please know I am not judging any of you. I just don’t want you wasting years and tears on someone that doesn’t waste an afterthought on you. Value yourself more.

Please ladies I am just asking you to do some introspection and write down what you value most in yourself and what you need to work on. If you feel so inclined please e-mail me at  and we can discuss it further. I really want you all to know I care so much because I was there where you are now.  If you want to be a Queen respect yourself like one!

Are you struggling with issues of self-love and self-esteem? Let me know by sharing your thoughts below.

When you love you then you can love him/her


This morning I saw a quote “Many of us don’t know how to let someone love us, we let our scars make us defensive and push people away.” Why do we push away those that love us the most? I was once guilty of this. I would purposely sabotage a relationship because I was scared of having someone love me flaws and all when I did not accept myself in that form. You see when I did not love me; I could not love anyone else.

When I deemed myself unworthy of love in its purest form I pushed away any semblance of love. I would purposely date men that were emotionally unavailable because I was numb to emotional attachments. I hated anything to do with true intimacy. I avoided emotional connections. It was because in my state of mind I did not love who I was and did not want anyone else to love me either. When you don’t love yourself you accept almost anything. I would settle for being the girl on the side and I do not mean because he had a girlfriend either in most cases we were both single but we would settle for being “friends” and I would just accept that. Never grasping how can one immediately dismiss a potential mate and compartmentalize them into the friends with benefit category. I would never question aloud I would just go with it.

To be honest I did not feel I deserve their love but I wanted their attention so badly. When I felt lonely and wanted to be held I settled for the physical even though in that moment I needed the emotional. I read some of my old posts and I see remnants of a shattered soul. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I could not even look myself in the mirror without breaking down emotionally. I did not love myself at all.

Thank goodness I have moved on from that dark place and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. As Kendrick Lamar’s song says “I Love Myself”. At the point I will not entertain the idea of being a girl on the side. I deserve to be the lady in his life.  If that spot is not the goal then I do not want to take part in it at all. I am more likely to dismiss a man now when I see signs of him trying to place me in the friends with benefits zone. How audacious of someone to be so egotistical and think I would want to be their girl on the side? You are offering me crumbs and you want me to grovel at that I think not.

I refuse to settle for being an option. I could say they don’t know my story or the things that I have been through. I refuse to be typecast by any man. I am too good to be your girl on the side. With that being said moving forward I cannot entertain anyone that I ever accepted that role from. They will always look at me in that awful light.

Do you push away love because you feel unworthy? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below.

Sweetest Taboo: The Fascination with the Black Woman

What is society’s love/hate relationship with the black woman? It is like they are determined to typecast us based on their skewed view of us. Either we are stoic and unapproachable with our twisted necks and rolled eyes, or over-presentational sexiness with our tight fitted clothing and lack of self-respect. There are so many types of stereotypes that try and speak to the black woman but we are multi-faceted not simply black or white we are shades of grey both inside and out.

After reading Paige Tutt’s article “How 5 Stereotypical Online Profiles Exposed the Fetishization of Black Women. One hates what they do not understand. The black woman like the black man has been misunderstood for ages. We cannot be simply put into a box and perceive in a prejudicial manner. I am saying get to know us personally. Tutt touched on online dating which exposed society’s fascination with the black woman. And how society wants to pigeon-hole her into whom they perceive her to be. We are tired of perpetuating a myth. Take me as I am or nothing at all.

It is almost as if we are not allowed to identify with ourselves without fear of intimidating someone else. We have to place everyone else’s needs above our own.

We cannot even have a healthy sexual side we’re either asexual or hypersexual. Society is fascinated with the sensuality of the black woman. They have a fetish for our skin, complexion, body, and our mind. They don’t understand us so they try to define us based on their standards. Once they frowned upon our thick backside now they are dying to have one of their own.

We set the standard and they emulate us relentlessly. Although imitation is the highest form of flatter self love matters more. Yes we tend to fascinate society with our beauty. Unapologetic and not seeking your approval.

Ain’t I a Woman, Sojourner Truth proclaimed proudly. We are both black and proud of it. Your fascinate is actually an obsession. You neec help. We want you to accept you as you are not the myth you proclaim tp be.

What is society’s obsession with our hue? Will society ever be cured? Share your thoughts below.

What are we dating for?

If marriage isn’t the goal? What is the sense in dating? Are you content with just being a boyfriend/girlfriend? We can play house together but won’t set the foundation for a lifetime together? What gives? I guess I am asking because I have never envisioned myself being married and someone asked me what is your goal when you date someone if marriage is not in your thoughts? This baffled me,
but I am curious what the heck are we dating for?

Why are we dating without a purpose? It makes one believe that old fashioned courting is becoming instinct. There are no long-term goals anymore. The conquest of rushing to the bedroom and avoiding the altar. What are we afraid of? I know for me I fear commitment and longevity terrify me. The reason I have this fear is what if my mate becomes bored and more importantly I am nervous about promising God I would be bound to a man forever. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It is a foundation set on hardwork, dedication, and commitment.

I have toyed with the idea of marriage. But never taken it seriously. We are afraid to love and let someone love us unconditionally. We love the idea of the wedding but shy away from the work a marriage entails.

We are so consumed with the end of a marriage, i.e., divorce we don’t take a serious try at staying together. We have to date with a purpose in mind. Maybe I am saying this because I am in my thirties and have grown tired of just being a girlfriend. I want to become more intentional with my dating practices.

Date intentionally. Set a dating goal for yourself when meeting a potential mate. Do you see a future with this person that involves the exchange of vows?
Work on becoming marriage worthy. Are you someone worth marrying? What do you bring to the table? Remember you have to be the change you want to see.
Friends first. Try building a friendship with a potential mate. Some of the best marriages are based on solid friendships.
Quit rushing to the bedroom. Hold off on hittng the sheets prematurely. Implement a solid period of abstinence.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting different results. Try a new approach to dating and marriage can be a serious end goal.

Are these tips helpful? Did I miss any? Share your thoughts below.

Guess who’s back

Back by popular demand. The never-ending Battle of the Sexes is back. I have been contemplating starting back up my relationship blog. I want to talk about me being a fumbling lady at dating. I know I am not alone. Come check out some old posts to get reacquainted or to be introduced to Loverzquarrel’s Blog. I will be working on the site behind the scenes so look for changes in the coming weeks. Slide through my spot

Has courtship lost it’s luster to dating?

Has courtship lost its shine since casual dating is so prevalent? Do we cover the bases anymore or do we immediately knock it out the park? First, let’s explore what courtship entails:

1.       Courting One on One.

         Try courting one person at a             time.

2.       Let the man lead the way.

          Ladies let him drive.

3.       Take it one base at a time.

You don’t have to save it for marriage but at least commit your mind and heart before your bodies collide.

Now let’s explore what dating entails:

1.       Dating is for sport so get more than one player involved.

Dating should be with as many people as you can juggle without feeling overwhelmed. Dating is non-committal although if you date more than one person how can really connect emotionally to know if they are worth the commitment.

2.       Set clear boundary lines.

Always make it clear where you stand and what you want. Never compromise on that. It would be nice if you two (or three) were on the same page but as we know this is not a perfect world.

3.       Move On or Move Out

Once you have set boundaries you’ll know whether or not you two are moving in the same direction. If so proceed cautiously if not keep dating and have fun!

Now for both dating and courtship there are many differences. For example dating is a temporary place versus courtship being an actual relationship. When dating you maintain a single status until you decide to take it to the next level. The goals are different too when in courtship the goal is marriage and in dating the goal is getting to know you.  In dating your relationship is open to interpretation friends with benefits, just friends, or boyfriend-girlfriend. In courtship you become best friends because the goal again is a lifetime mate.

On many levels dating has took the shine off of courting and basically making it obsolete.  We need to stop rushing to the bedroom and try taking our time making it out the altar. That is why we have so many failed marriages we do not connect like we should. That is why it entails commitment before intimacy. No one is saying wait forever but really get to know a person don’t connect physically with someone you don’t know emotionally. When two people are intimate at least one if not both walk away connected. It is not as simple as a roll in the hay and then you dust yourself off.

Has dating taken away the shine of courtship? Would you like a courtship or do you prefer to date? Which do you practice? Share your thoughts below.


Can a relationship survive without an argument?

Is arguing a natural part of every relationship? Arguing in a relationship is one of those things I detest. I always felt like arguing always leads to a physical altercation. I do not like to argue because I feel like I cannot think when a verbal exchange goes awry. Yet I am learning daily that an argument is a necessary evil.

I feel like you have to argue every now and then as long as it is a clean fight. No name calling or hitting below the belt. I think the problem with arguing is we don’t want to be vulnerable so we fight dirty. Instead of saying when you yell at me about wanting to go out with my friends it makes me feel like you don’t respect our time apart we say you are too controlling and possessive. We are often afraid to say how we truly feel. How will our needs ever get met if we never say what we really want?

I believe that arguing is a natural part of every relationship. It is natural because we don’t always communicate our feelings very well. Let me give you another example my boyfriend would have an issue with me going to bars, social clubs, or anywhere else to do poetry. Instead of telling me this he would argue with me every time I went to do a show. Now I could have said you are being selfish and getting in the way of my dream. But I fell on my sword and said to him these are the places where these shows are held you are more than welcome to come along and watch me perform there. We are not perfect but I have learned how to fight fair. I have learned that talking about how I really feel helps us tremendously.

We still have arguments like other couples but the goal is always the same to get our needs met in a fair way. I think the key to less arguing is more communicating how you feel about various issues. Don’t be afraid to bring them up don’t wait till all hell breaks loose to come out with guns blazing. It is not fair to either of you always if you have to argue keep it clean. You are only allowed to talk about what is bothering you in that moment. Don’t rehash old fights it takes away from the matter at hand.  If you cannot keep it clean then keep silent until cooler heads prevail. You have to be willing to listen in a way that you are receptive to what your mate is saying.


Does arguing feel unnatural to you? Why or why not? How do you fight? Share your thoughts below.