Black Girl Purging

I cannot remember if I ever posted this but last night I felt emotionally overwhelmed and had a strong urge to do this. Thankfully, I was able to ride the wave and not give in. Let me know what you think.

I know usually I talk about relationship issues but I wanted to get a little personal with you all. I want to touch on eating disorders and how I used to suffer from one. It is unusual at first glance to find a black girl with food issues. Or, at least that is what I told myself. Initially, I did not realize I had a problem I just followed my impulse.

It started years ago, I do not handle stress well and I would try to combat it by finding a source of relief a sense of control when I felt out of balance. I would eat to the point of combustion and then when I felt so full I would run to the bathroom and purge. I felt such a relief when I purged it seemed to take the stress away. I would do this in silence and for a while I did not think I was harming myself. I did not realize I had a dangerous food addiction. It brought me such comfort yet made me feel so disgusted with myself.

 Eventually I told my mother of my ritual for I could not do it in secrecy anymore. She brought me a sense of comfort and tried to convince me to stop but I just continued to do it I just would not tell her. I did not have a name for what I was doing and it was not a problem or so I thought. I hated that disgusting feeling when I would eat excessively and then purge instantly. I would always wait till the bathroom was empty so my shameful behavior would not be exposed.

 Recently, I received help for my purging. It finally had a name, it was called binge eating. I will admit when I first discovered I had a problem I was not surrounded by those who look like me and it made me feel so alone. I felt as if I was the only black girl alive doing this nonsense. Yet the woman in me knows that I am not the only one so I need to tell my story to help my love sisters combat this dangerous disease. It is like ignoring the pink elephant in the room. It will not go away and we have to tackle it before it destroys us all.

Now for me it had nothing to do with weight issues it was more of an emotional thing. Mentally, I felt out of control and food is where I thought I could bring some sense of balance back into my life. I was stuck in emotional mind and became of victim of impulse. I am thankful I sought help so this pattern does not continue past me to my daughter. I am better equipped with how to handle things if she were to pick up this same behavior. I pray the cycle begins and ends with me.

Side note: I wrote this blog some years back and never posted it. I was terrified to share it at that time. But now I know why this story needs to be told. I have suffered with binge eating for quite some time. Last night was the first time in years I felt the urge to binge eat. I cooked salmon, fried rice, and corn on the cob. I ate dinner and then all of a sudden emotion poured over me. I felt emotionally overwhelmed from day to day things. I felt out of balanced and wanted to relieve myself hence purging. My boyfriend kept asking what is wrong so I explained to him my issue we went for a drive and stopped at 7-11 I did not get anything because I did not want to give into the urge. I decided to try positive self-talk and I kept using my wise mind. It was a temporary feeling and it would pass just ride it out and I made it through. Now I am feeling that way again so I am writing it out instead of running to purge. I have an issue with control when I feel out of balance food is where I feel I can have control. As I sit hear I want to snack to the point of combustion and then purge. I am speaking out because in our community it is taboo. You don’t hear about black girls purging. I want to combat this feeling. Please if you or anyone you know suffers from an eating disorder please share your thoughts below. Thanks!

Mama tell me the truth…about dating.

What lies have your mother told you about dating?

One of the classic ones that my mother told me when I was being bullied by boys in my neighborhood was “baby they like you and they just don’t know how to say it”. This of course confused my adolescent rationale. In my mind the guy that likes me would never be mean to me, but I also knew better than to think that I could outwit my mom. So growing up I figured when a guy was mean to me it was his awkward way of masking his true feelings of infatuation. Now as I am saying this I realize what a farce this little white lie was. Yet when my daughter approached me about a boy teasing and harassing her I almost told her the lie thank God I chose to digress. I do not want to confuse my daughter and fill her head with my misguided dating myths. I want her to learn to trust her instincts first and foremost if he is being mean to her it should not be tolerated at any standpoint.

Mothers we have to stop feeding our daughters these lies about men. We cannot coddle them with deception for they will be defenseless in the dating game. How can they protect themselves from despicable behavior if they believe it is actually admiration?Let’s be honest if a man is mean to you he unequivocally does not LIKE YOU. The man that wants you will show his admiration for you and will never send mixed messages. Ladies we have to call as we see it because our instincts do not lie to us. When I was growing up and being picked on the boys did not like me for some reason I was the unwanted target of conjecture and ridicule. The man that likes me would NEVER subject me to such cruel and unusual punishment.

As a mother, I understand the need to protect our child. But the best way to protect them is to liberate them with the truth. Use your experiences as a way to absolve them of any doubt as to how a man should treat a woman. Arm them with the truth so they always value their worth. Deceiving them is the worse thing because it makes them putty in a cunning person’s hands. Remember knowledge is power; truth will always remain solid, and unwavering under all circumstances. Now I know I can say that most of these myths come from families that are without father figures. I know this because when my father speaks to me as an adult it is pure and unadulterated fact when it comes to dealing with men knowledge in which I wish I could have possessed years ago which would have been used a safeguard against the games men play. Of course, this can be countered by the statement a man will only do what you allow him to. If you allow him to be mean to you while you treat him in a high regard then this behavior will continue. Yet, if you are equipped with the truth early on now I am not saying we as mothers are purposefully deceiving our daughters of course there is no malice intended on our parts. It is definitely not a conscious decision. We do it because we do not want to hurt them by telling them that boys are being rude for whatever reason they have a great disdain for our daughters. We need to inform them that they should stand up for themselves and inform these boys that their disrespect will no longer be tolerated and if they cannot show respect then they will be dismissed accordingly. I know it sounds harsh but boys need a taste of reality as well. For if they are to become men who respect women we owe it to them not to tolerate this type of behavior for they will only emulate it during their adult years and make horrible men to the women in their lives. We have to teach our daughters to respect their decision and not renege on their positions if they are to be held in a high regard.

We devalue their worth when we teach them that disrespect is admirable. Later in life this cripples our daughter. They grow up trying to prove their worth. They look for signs instead of listening to his actions. They are confused looking for love in all the wrong places. When a man treats them with admiration and respect they are befuddled and often mistakenly emasculate him for being kind. We often wait for the other shoe to drop because we do not value who we are. See that white lie we tell our daughters delves deeper than we ever imagined. It is essential to their mature growth that we arm them with the truth. It is imperative that we are aware any deception on our part will be detrimental to their emotional health and well being. They will often seek validation and never rely on their own judgment. They will never trust themselves because when they did in their youth they were wrong as we as mothers knew better. We never want to take away their ability to trust themselves otherwise it will be the blind leading the blind.

Furthermore, we have to teach them the rules of dating and not confuse them with exception to the rule. For if the exception were always true then there would be no need for the rule. Case in point, a man is with a woman for years and has not married her. The woman in the situation will conclude he is not interested in marrying her yet you as her mother may tell her he needs time, people change, and you or someone you know has known someone in a similar situation and the man in that situation did indeed marry said woman. Well that’s an exception and not the rule, in reality if a man wants to marry you he will. The indecisiveness you are feeling is on your part, his actions speak volumes. He does not want to marry you own that and move on. You have to trust yourself and no one else. Always remember that although there is an exception to every rule air on the side of caution and follow the rule.

You see by arming her with the truth will save her a lot of heartache and pain. The truth will inevitably set her free. We always say how we want to raise our daughters financially independent but we also must liberate them emotionally as well. We need them to be emotionally independent in this dating game. Let us focus on their overall well being. We need more women strong in the mind, body, and soul. Now am I saying arming them with the truth will absolve them or mishaps in love? No, but they will be more aware of the pitfalls of dating. We should teach them that “the man who wants you nothing will keep him away, and a man that does not want you nothing will make him stay.”

What pre-conceived notions did you form about dating from the teachings’ of your mother? Share your thoughts below.

He Likes It, But That Doesn’t Mean He’ll Put a Ring on It!

Single Ladies I need you front and center. I need you to pull out your notebooks and take plenty of notes for this blog post. I was on essence.com reading one of Paul Carrick Brunson post. You know the modern day matchmaker, anyway he is always wrting excellent posts. This particular one was reasons why he won’t marry you.

Playing House

Ladies many of us treat our boyfriends like our husbands because in our mind we believe we are the one. We cook, clean, and everything for him. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Not to mention many men carry the philosophy if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it philosophy. Don’t put all your cards down at once. Hold back a little. Make him wait.

He Said No, You’re Not Listening

He said no to the idea of marriage in the beginning and you think you can change his mind. Well ladies you cannot, his mind is made up if it changes it is because of him not anything you may have done. Ladies we have to learn to listen really listen to what he says not just what we want to hear.

You Are a Liability

When a man considers a woman to be his wife he is thinking she should be an asset. Definitely, not a liability, it could be one too many children, muddled in debt, or even other things that he does not want to take responsibility for.

You Are a Nag

You whine, whine and all he hears is blah, blah, blah! Talk to him not at him. A man doesn’t want to feel like his relationship is a mother-child relationship. Where all you do is get after him about things you feel he is not doing. Lay-off or he will walk off with your ring and give it to someone else.

He Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

In the beginning you set certain boundaries in place, i.e., a 90 day rule, or you are waiting for marriage, and/or you would not tolerate certain behavior. He bullied his way through of your rules and most importantly you did not enforce these rules by sticking to your boundaries. Why should he respect them if you don’t?

He is a Commitment Phobic

Ladies if you have a commitment phobic then you have a problem on your hands that only a therapist can handle so call in reinforcement’s honey. This is not something you can tackle alone.

You Don’t Need Him

Ladies a man wants to feel needed. He wants to feel like you need him in your life. Never be too independent that you don’t need a man or you will be single for the rest of your life. Granted he wants you to stand firm on your own two feet but make some room for him. Include him in your decision making, yes even in the financial department, make him feel apart of the team. Remember there is no I in team.

You Are His Good Time Girl

You are fun to play with but not good enough to meet the family. This is a tale-tell sign that you are definitely are not getting a ring. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but it definitely means your time together has an ever approaching expiration date. Your days are numbered sweetie.

His Other Woman Doesn’t Like You

His Mom, Aunt, Sister, or any other close female in his life is not fond of you. No matter how old he is the opinion of any of these women matter to him. I used to date a man who’s mother could not stand me in the beginning so to get to know me for his sake at first she would invite me over to her house without him so we could connect. Which worked perfectly we got along famously even stayed in contact years later. If he is The One work on repairing things with the other woman in his life. Don’t brownnoses be genuine in your approach? Make it work!

He’s Not Ready

Sometimes we get caught up with the sound of our biological clock ticking, or thinking we have reached the age where we should have been married so we want to speed up the clock and our man just isn’t ready yet. Be patient with him I don’t mean wait around forever but talk to him about you desires in a way he can hear you without any nagging. Contemplate things from his perspective as well marriage is a big step and definitely shouldn’t be rushed.

 

Ladies are you waiting for that ring? Wondering why you still don’t have it? Check out these tips and maybe you or the fellas can suggest some more I may have missed. Share your thoughts below.

Ties That Bind

Freaky Friday: People often ask me why am I single and often I want to ask them why aren’t you? Why are you in a relationship? Do any of you know those people who are notorious for being serial monogamists? It is like they are afraid to be by themselves. Like five minutes alone would make them stir crazy. Have they even considered the concept of being single? Let’s be honest single people have time to ponder being in a relationship from time to time. But the question is do those people who are involved have time to contemplate why they are in a relationship? It seems like an obvious question but most of us would not dare ask it not even among ourselves. He stays out all night, you suspect he is cheating, and he barely helps with the bills yet you want to inquire about why I don’t have a man. I want to ask you my dear sister why are you putting up with his nonsense. Or, guys she barely talks to you, nags all the time, and stripping your pockets yet you stay down for her. Even through the fire, fighting all the time and you still stay. Why?

No one ever thinks to ask the committed person why are you committed? Why are you involved? Granted there are some perks to being in a relationship like guaranteed sex, unless you are in one of those situations where you have to schedule first. In that case it sucks to be you. Is love truly the tie that binds you two together? Or is it really a matter of convenience? Maybe she cooks, gives it to you when you like, and cater to your every need but there are those other things that nag the hell out of you like not being able to hold a conversation without a mean scowl and a fight ensuing. Here’s another scenario, the sex is good but he doesn’t have shit else to show for himself. There needs to be benefits within the walls of these relationships. Otherwise remaining in them is as hopeless as a penny with a hole in it.

Sometimes I think we are afraid of being by ourselves it is the single curse that we do not want to be plagued with. Single for many people is synonymous alone, desolate, and lonely. As if single people just sit by the phone praying for the phone to ring. It is not that bad being single. I will admit to you we have our moments where we long to be held and supported. For the most part we are happy even in those dry spell moments.  No sense in enduring time and tears on a wasteful relationship just for the sake of saying you belong to someone. Belong to you first then you can share yourself with someone else. Stop staying in these meaningless relationships. You don’t love them so just leave them. I know easier said than done.

I have done my time in relationship wasteland so I know how tears and years can be wasted. Do not sell yourself short. Invest in you and your needs. How is this relationship benefitting you? Is it truly worth your blood, sweat, and tears? This is where you need to sit down and do a list of pros and cons. Prayerfully the good will outweigh the bad and you can go on as you were to live happily ever after. If not then it is time to let the ship sail. As a wise Reverend Run said “Letting go doesn’t always mean giving up, it’s just having enough wisdom to know some things can’t be.”

Love’s Ultimatum

Should there be ultimatums in love? In the movie “He’s Just Not
That Into” Ben’s wife Janine gives him an ultimatum either marry
me or we are breaking up. So he marries her despite not knowing
if he really was in love with the idea of being married to the
same woman for eternity. Therefore forsaking all other women and
conquests they may propose. When, he realizes he is not happy he
cheats and it is because the thought of being with one woman for
the rest of his life creates hysteria in both his heart and mind.

You should never give anyone an ultimatum either they want to be
with you or they don’t. Furthermore why would you want to force
someone’s hand? Whatever happened to the concept of free will?

In a past relationship I made the mistake of making a
relationship out of an ultimatum. I was dating this guy I had a
crush on for years. One day we ran into each other exchanged
numbers and took it from there. He was a perfect gentleman and I
just ate it up. When it came to sex I told him I wanted to wait
until I was in a relationship. Yes, at one point in time I was
one of those title-obsessed women. Needless to say he kindly
obliged me.

Our tumultuous relationship only lasted a year. I am shocked it
even lasted that long. Between the cheating, fighting, and just
plain resentment on both parts disaster was inevitable. One day
he practically came out and said he just wanted to sleep with me.
I actually acted dejected yet it should have come as no surprise.
Never give someone an ultimatum they may take it but you will
live to regret it. In giving the ultimatum I forced his hand and
back him into a corner. He wanted to be with me but not in a
relationship. He just wanted to be intimate without any strings
attached. I missed the whole signal on that one. I will blame it
on my young age and naiveté. I now know never to propose such a
thing ever again. In essence because a relationship formed due to
an ultimatum is one that is based on a lie. It is a recipe for
disaster because it is built on a weak foundation.

Beauty  cannot tame the beast for the beast must tame himself. It
is the same with trying to change someone. You have two choices
accept them as they are or move on. People will never be who YOU
want them to be. In any event you should not want to be with
anyone who does not openly and unconditionally want to be with
you. The operative word being unconditional, love is not supposed
to have any conditions on it. That is not the meaning of pure
love. We all must love freely. Whoever we find that happiness
with we need to be honest about what we need and want from them.
If they cannot provide it then we must journey on until we find
our heart’s desire.

Object of my Forgiveness

Freaky Friday: What is the wildest act your cheating mate performed to prove his/her undying love for you? Can a relationship survive infidelity? After a partner cheats, can the love survive the broken bond between the two of you?

You are with your man and you have had found out he cheated on you. You are hurt as well overwhelmed by the pain heartbreak brings. Questions burst out of you like a damn that has reached it’s breaking point. Naively you question the fact wondering if you were good enough for him instead of understanding the fact he just proved himself unworthy by committing this heinous act.

 How do you move past this?

 These feelings seem to envelope your heart and seal it shut.

Can your love for him remain the same?

As your heart began to harden and trust goes out the window can forgiveness be found before your heart is immersed in concrete. Anger about the fact often breeds insecurity.

I had a former love cheat on me and I thought I could forgive him. I tried to look at the act as water flowing under a newly built bridge. Yet thoughts of her and him raced through my mind everyday. It got to a point where I was so riddled with hate and contempt for the both of them I went to her job to confront her. I had no idea what I was going to say because in all actuality I did not want to say anything. All I knew was I was hurting and I want someone else to feel my pain preferably someone who inflicted it upon me. I got there and her and I were face to face and she could not even look at me. I want to say so much but the words could not form at my speechless lips.

There she was the woman who for so long had no face merely she was simply a name which ignited anger in me. What did she have that I did not? Why wasn’t I enough for him?

As I write this I want to let you know that it took me years to move past what happened. For a long time I would see her and just wanted her to look me in the eyes and explain how she could sleep with the man she knew was mine. I wanted to know why she thought her needs were more important than mine? Why did he care for her more than me?

I will be honest it took a lot of years and tears for me to move past what happened between them. Seeing them together after our breakup stung deep like a knife wound to my heart.

Forgiveness was a hard lesson to learn. I had to accept that there was nothing I could have done to prevent him from cheating. Also, I had to accept that I am worthy of unconditional, pure love. I forgave him because my heart was hemorrhaging from all the hurt his selfishness caused. I tried to hold onto to the good our relationship had produced. The truth was our time had passed and we were holding onto a memory that had since faded.

You can forgive but you can never forget. Even when I write this piece the pain I felt the day I found out he was cheating still seems so raw as if it happened yesterday. That is why although I have forgiven him I have decided that I cannot allow him back into my heart. No amount of tears or kisses can make his indiscretion dissipate from my memory. As much as I want what we once had I have to be realistic and keep things in perspective for me. For me this act what far too great and cost me way too much. I refuse to let my guard down again for him.

Cheating makes trust a hard thing to give to someone. You cannot blame every man for the foolishness of one. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.

The Dating Double Standard

In dating I often wondered if men and women are created equally. Can we exhibit the same behavior and receive the same positive/negative reinforcements? The answer to this question is no for we cannot do the same things and garner the same reaction.

Case in point a woman has a high sex drive and loves to have sex whenever possible. Unlike a man it is frowned upon for her to look among random men and have her way with the man of her choosing. She must choose among familiar territory preferably a boyfriend if applicable or a really good friend. If the man is not available she has to wait or practice self-love.

The way I see it everything he can do you can do better but in the end you will look worse for having done it at all. The line has to be drawn somewhere, so can a woman sleep around and still have her character in tact the answer is a resounding hell no.

Yes a hoe is a hoe no matter how you say it. It is drummed into our heads you cannot turn a hoe into a housewife since our inception. Keep your legs crossed and closed until the right man comes along. I know double standards suck but perception goes a lot longer than the truth. Rumors always seem to have a ring of truth to them. Once your character has been assassinated it will take a total 360 degree turn will revive you.

We all have to grow up and come to a point in our lives where we realize that when we were children we spoke as children, and when we became adults we are to put away those childish ways.

In certain areas I hate to admit but men and women are not equal. He is celebrated for being a hoe you are crucified for being in the same group as him. Both sexes have to gain a sense of self control. Just because you can does not always mean you should. Use your discretion. Woman up and take full responsibility for your own actions the operative word being your own.

Double standards will exist long after we are dead and gone. We cannot do everything men can do and vice versa. Just face facts. Granted there will always be room for gossip at the table.
Remember that you want to place yourself a cut above the rest at all times.